Not Calling myself Spiritual Anymore ( Long version)

2-18-19 Not Calling myself Spiritual Anymore ( Long version)

I have not written in about a month. It is not that I have nothing to say or the guides have nothing to say. I stopped because I was fighting with myself to understand what was happening to me. Over the last six months I had several life challenges that have me questioning my spirituality. One thing it is exhausting looking for answers to why things happened me. I remember a time in my life where I knew what was expected of me and I did it. Now, I lived going from crisis to crisis, or as it seems. There is a quote saying that “God, will never give you more than you can handle”. Well, that maybe true, but the god part of me is saying this suck’s, it is painful and hurts.

I have been questioning calling myself spiritual, because I now see how it creates separation. What is even worst is that some of the people in these communities are no better than the average person, try to live their own life. Yet, they consider themselves awaken only to treat you just as poorly, if not worst, then someone not looking for higher purpose.

Along with questioning spirituality I have been questioning whether we are born into “Fear” and are just re-creating it. Because that is what is taught to us.  I currently see spirituality being taught that it is all oneness and love, yet I have reached out to people when I am in middle of something to find that door closed in my face. Or I am told to look within, and I am like, if you think that I have not already done that, and you really knew me; as well as you think I would not be reaching out to you for help. Or I see people presenting it as tool when it is an ability that we all have it and these same people claiming to be teacher don’t talk about the dark side of spirituality or what can happen to you and what you may experience.

Really, it should come with a warning sign. I did not travel this path necessary by choice, other then I want to know what was happening to me. After years of studying I am no closer to understanding my gifts then I was 15 years as go. And if someone is claiming that they have mastered intuition or healing energy, and they claim that they know all the answers, they are lying to themselves and you at the same time and most likely taking your money from you too. It a shame that learning to understanding your gifts has become a big business because it met to help you remember who you are and not what you been told.  

I also don’t know if I would tell you or teach anyone at this point about mediumship, psychic abilities or healing energy. It is my understanding that on some level I agreed to teach others and have told been that I am a cross between Sylvia Brown and Bryon Katie, whatever means. Maybe it means that at this point of my life tact is not one better sides. I have been told to go see that person or read this book or even find a mentor.  The mentors that I encountered know this work and what it takes to confront what it takes to steps forward. Yet, these same people (not all) who claim to want to help and serve people can be the most condescending people that I met. 

  I honestly thought that I could handle it but when my own life continues to be scattered into a million pieces repeatedly. I question the reality of pursue this path. I have spoken prior about this not being for the faint of heart. Your world will be turned upside down and then some. Most people who walk this path have experienced extremes in their life one day you can have a house and next you can be homeless on the street. You have a job and support of friends and family to losing them or walking away from them to even your children being taken from you.

Then I wonder how in good faith can I tell you or anyone that it is in the sake of expansion of your soul that you agreed to come to this planet and remember who you are! When it could better to explain your life as a sim and you are the creator of it and there is no straight lines. Humor on a serious matter.  Many who are spiritual per say would say that I am talking from my ego and that it is a polarity of words used like 3d or 5d, blah, blah is what I say. Or I have even been told look at the bigger picture and I am like what the fuck are you talking about because if I am not able to understand what is happen, how the f is the average person going to understand what is happening to them. Then I am told to look for the blessing and I am like what, I am living a cursed life and that is where “born into fear” question has come into play.

  And my conversation turns into “like but at some point, you have to come back down to the planet and be with this reality”. It’s great that you are thinking of the bigger picture but how is that helping the here and now!! How is that creating a future that serves humanity?

And maybe I am writing this out of fear or my ego and I am like great, I know I am still alive then, because I am doing a disservice to myself and anyone else if I am pretending that life is all rainbows and unicorns. Here is where my conflict lies in my person, I may not talk to you like this but in my private reflection I am. I not about pretending it is all bliss and I may not have all the answers, because If I did I would not be living the way I am and even be on this planet. I would have left by now.

Fear Propaganda:  See we fear others because we fear what we are capable of, that we could be just like them. Could you kill to save your own life or family? You may say I could not but how many times have you said I hate them, I could kill them, they should die or be made to suffer or any variation of these words. No one knows where their limit is and when even in the face of what is, do you have enough strength to not react, I know I don’t. If you asked years ago my response would have been different. Today my thought of such queries is changed. Maybe It is that I have seen too much or it’s my own karma or whatever I wrote for myself in this life time, but I can’t or don’t see it changing, and I went from being naïve to being part of it. And told to change your words and thoughts and have even stated in my own writing and even this writing.  but I am done. I am not going to sugar coat it anymore.

What is even worst is the fact people have thrown terms around without doing the actually work involved. Or maybe it me because I learned that I have always had gifts, like a lot of other people and we don’t even realize that were using natural gifts that we born with. I never meditated or ate healthy, sat in yogi positions for hours on end. Maybe if we lived in society that act taught us or I meditated from a young age I would not have such difficultly now. What I do know is that I have shit happen to me that I can’t explain under normal conditions or what seems unexplainable without looking into spirituality, metaphysical, psychology of Carl Jung and so many more.

I have seen humans do, say and write things about people like they don’t exist. I have had dreams and visions of things that would curl your stomach. I don’t write about them, first because some are disturbing, and it don’t pay the bills. Secondly, I don’t want to add to the maladaptive dysfunction that already exist in the world. Soon as you think that you have seen it all, something else comes ago.

Oh, and it should be noted worthily to say that I recently saw a spiritual medium high profile say something along the line of something with Mental health, knowing my own experience and pursuing my own degree that the Mental health industry is one of the most abused industries when come to metaphysical or parapsychology (sorry avoiding calling it spirituality). Unless you have someone that has an unexplained experience and has looking into it. The field of mental health is still surrounded in medicating for psychosis. They just legally push drugs onto you and you or I don’t want spend years get answers.

So, to conclude my rant about spirituality, If I don’t write for a period time it is because I am going through something and because this tends to be a lonely path of unbelievable situations that happen to you. I chose to get quiet and it is to process information or just get pissed off enough to let the shit go.  I would like to say that I have a hand full of people to go to when faced with a challenge’s, I have found this to not be the case.  If anything, my own research or questions bring me the answers that I am looking for. As well as learning some answers will not come until they are ready too.

The Voice Within © Donna L. Millward 2019

3-01-19 Ways in which We Love

Years ago, I read a small but powerful book about the ways in which we love. I tried to locate the title for reference here, but I was unsuccessful.  I believe the title was The Four ways in which we Love. This small book went through the ways that we ourselves receive love by asking questions like:

1.    Action: Do you received by someone doing things for you?

2.    Gifts: Do you received Love in the form of gifts that someone gives by appreciation?

3.    Communication:  Or it is when your partner expresses verbally to you, how much they love you for you being you?

4.    This fourth one I can’t remember but you can come up with your own:  Listening to you, being touched, connecting deeply to you and how you emotionally feel. There is a need to have a deeper soul connection to another, but you have to know yourself first.

I find that many times that we don’t even know ourselves enough to see how we express love to our partner or even our self. We want so much to be loved, yet it alludes us. I was wondering why this simple act comes with so many complications. I think it is because we’re not really taught about love in its trueness of its form. The word itself has come to mean so many other things that it gets lost. Love itself is a feeling and emotion which are two different things. Yet, it is used as more of a term of endearment then the true attribute that it is. Most Mothers and Fathers will tell you on the onsite of their child being born, that there are no words that can be expressed in the love that they feel for their child. It’s there the very moment that they see or hold their child for the first time.

People flutter to newborns as if they have never seen a child before. Why do you think this is? Is it because they are a true reflection of what we are, and we have just forgotten that part of ourselves. Much like a newborn baby are relationships to ourselves and others are about love too. So, what do our relationships have to do with ourselves?

The simple act of questioning what we know about expressing love within ourselves is the first start:                  

How do I express love?

How do I say “I love you” to someone?

Do I do things to express how I feel to someone that I love?

Do I express “love with gifts”, hoping the other person realizes how much I care for them?

There is no one way that we express love, most people expressed several of these ways to a partner or friends. There is even a difference when we express love to our friends versus our partner. We even go about saying that we love clothes, jewelry, cars, etc. you get the idea, but it is not the same as a person or a pet. We tend to say that we love ice cream, but do we question why we love it? Or is it a feeling that it brings to us? Besides not knowing how we express love, we don’t question how we were taught about love from our parents or guardians.

We tend to repeat the same type of love that our families gave to us until it is pointed out to us. Then we wonder why relationships fail and why we aren’t getting the love that we think we want. If we started questioning what are or were the ways that I wanted my family, parents or guardian to express love to me and felt I never received? You will find the one way that you are unconsciously wanting to be loved and are not getting it for yourself or from another. You see love begins with you and until you make these inquiries into yourself. There will always be something missing. You have to know what you were shown and how you want and need to be loved, to love another.

As most parents will tell you children or life does not come with a road map or book, but it does come with the ability to question a thought. Now if you travel a little further into the inquiry you will start to question the why’s as I call them. Where did my parents or guardian learn about love and what type of life did they lead or what type of history was playing out. These are all factors that are playing out currently in your psyche right now. So much of what you do is because we are taught to do instead of being. You went to school to do learning, to do work, to do what you were told and never really allowed to just be. You never were really asked what is love, what is it that I feel, what emotions do I feel and what is it to be myself.

 If you are born from love and raised to be love or loved, why is what you see so much outside of yourself reflecting differently then, you perceive. There is a saying “So within, So without”.  This is a metaphor for what is in you, is a direct reflection of what is happening in the world outside of you. 

There are songs, stories, plays, and movies written all about love but what is love really within me? Why is there a need to connect to it in another person? It is a simple question but is it ever really questioned? So, I will leave it with you for now.

To find love within you, you must first see love in you. before anything else.

  

  

                               Credit for Pic from Pinterest, quote from The Emerald tablet of Hermes, 3000 Circa BC

The Voice Within©Donna Millward,2019