Writing My Life 6-11-16

Writing My Life 6-11-16

When I first started to write. I entirely started because my life turned in a literal mess. I left and was laid off from multiple jobs, sold my home, had to cases in the courts for child support and my entire home was in a storage unit. I lived in one bedroom with my children and myself. There were times when there was no heat or even hot water to shower, it was a nightmare. Outside my four walls were children being left to fend of themselves! Drugs were done and sold right outside my very door. When I spoke to anyone about it, it was deemed not a problem or that I was imagining that there were problems or I was the problem.  

It was not the dream life that I desire or even though that I would be living. What had happen to life that I want and dreamth for myself? Why was the right and wrong that I had grown up to learn, an absolute mess around me. And here I was in the middle of it, attempted to understand what happen to me. As I search for jobs and tried to keep my family safe in all of the mess around. I started reading to focus my mind on things that were well out of my control.

As I persisted through the chaos around, I read everything I could get my hands on, with my trusted notebook that I kept asking the why’s, to all the questions that were unfolding before me. I started writing down all my thought and plans for changing what I could, which was really hard being and living in an environment that was unhealthy, I could not understanding why was I was the only on seeing what was happen. This was not how I was raised or I could even conceived of. Not that my childhood was perfect for there was always an elephant’s in the room, all the time. I remember think as a small child that this is not what was intended for us. Not just me but everyone in life. I could not have been much more than 6-7 years old and knew that life here was not to experience pain, angry and much suffering.

That it was a place of wonder, not broken dreams and world that experiences extremes. So, my trusty notebook became my friend of sorts. I begin write daily of the things that I encountered and that upset my very being. I read daily between searching for a job and trying to keep some balance and normalcy in my life. When it was really quiet and things that need to be taken care of at the moment were done these wonderful words of love would come to me in the form of inspiration.

I knew then, that they were not mine. How could they be mine, I was living in hell and nightmare and could bearing stand the environment that I living in and around me. The only source of encouragement was my children, my books and my notebook that I logged things that I faced. I could not tell you how many job that I applied too. I lost count after a while. Here I was single mother with two small children living in a nightmare, some of which was my own making and that rest of the world was falling apart on the globe scale.

These words that encourage me to keep believing that there was a life still too, lived and to keep researching for answer that I needed to find. I went through book after book, attending lecture and taking classes when I could afford them. The library became a second home for answer that I need to question. My drive for understanding would be answer in the quiet refection of mediation, books about relationship with people, addictions and co-depended relationship, the power of our mind, our family of ancestors and families of each generation.

All the while in my search I kept having visions of events and dreams of events that would happen in my presents or even globe. I would get words of things or places that I had no idea what they meant at the time. I get things like the ring of fire or the activation of the 13 skulls. What were these things that I never heard of before, the ring of fire are volcanos that make a ring along the edge of the Pacific Ocean. The 13 skulls are knows as skulls that hold knowledge of the universe and transformation of planet and its guardian or keepers. When aligned they bring changes to the planet and enlightenment, to see from a different perspective. I would wake up to “being” in my room or see angels to the left of my view when I was feeling overwhelmed by the environment.

I would have words repeat, repeatedly in my mind and later find out that they playout or they show up in different form. I can remember opening that the refrigerator one day and beautiful white feather came floating out. I was like how did that even get in there! It became a daily thing to see or learn something about things around. Some of the lessons were hard and very painful. I cursed at the universe more times than I can say honestly, I thought that was the hardest thing that I would live through, boy how wrong I was.

If I look back now that was not the hardest thing, much of life I been misguided and bad information by other people and their beliefs that they taught me about the world and their pain that they project out to the world. As child we expect that people are there to guide, to help us understand the world, but much of the world is in so much pain from their own lives and the generations before them. It just keeps getting pass down to the next generations and the next. The cycles just keep going until someone remembers or stop and really starts to think, this cannot be the way it’s supposed to be.

Now I didn’t grow up in a religious family were church was present in our lives. Much was past to me from family or friends about going to church. I really didn’t self-inquiry until the chaos of my life had fallen about me and I started questioning why would any god, or any human treat people the way they do or why was I finally remembering that as a child I saw and knew things and then told I was told that I imagine them and I didn’t know what I was talking about. Why was I difference and always felt different. I am crazy or is this really happening to me.

How could I know that someone was not who they were claiming be or project to me, or that a friend would lose her child only hours before it would even happen. Or that I was in the car when someone had a car accident and feel the impact before I would have confrontation of the incident. Why is it that I feel people pain and their emotions when there standing before me and telling me they ok when their really a walking mess. These are but a few of the things that I have encountered through my life.

My notebook has become my trusted friend and record keeper of my life in trying to make sense of the life and world around me. So when I write or post it, it is coming from a great source within me, but is also part of me in every way. We are not alone and nor we ever left to do this on our own. We are all sleeping gods and the world is infinite in possibility. It’s up to all of us to see that we do have the power to change the world and it’s up to you to take it back for yourself.

On that note I have not left my notebook behind I still use it and have many now, now I chose to use technology to express the words that have help me learn about the world and myself is ways that I can’t even begin to explain in words. For now I leave you with this, your never alone. That what you seek is within you. You’re more powerful then you realize and it’s up to use it to enlighten yourself, or help people or harm. The choice is always yours. So when I write these words they come from my truth, my experience and a guiding hand that people real need to know that we were not meant to live the way we do.

The possibility are infinite and so are you.