12-31-2020 Nine Years Ago

 

12-31-2020 Nine Years Ago

 

Nine years ago, today I walked away from my entire birth family, because of many factors. For one I was trying to put my life back together after my life fell apart, again. Being a single mom with two small children is no easy task. Now I have tried to write my life story down my times, maybe to understand how I got here or why I would have challenge after challenge to just support myself and my children. It seems that my life has always been a series of events or situations.

When I was really too small to know better, I thought I am on the wrong planet or placed in the wrong family. Along with the constantly memory of it not supposed to be this way. I didn’t completely understand why, other than were supposed to come from the heart and love. That if were present enough that all the answers come to us. For those nine years I spend relearning and unlearning programs that were lie after lie of who I am. I done enough research that I could fill several books in my head. Not bad for a person who they said had a learning disability, which is another lie place on myself.

At some point our life comes into question, I would like to tell that my life was wonderful and perfect but that would be a fuckin lie. Without disclosing too much, people think they know you; they have this perception of you including you family, yet I was raised in a family that I would classically call dysfunctional. Was it entirely their fault, no they been trained and programmed to believe that the impossible is not possible and history, society have an enormous part to play in that development!

It is amazing that a child or teenager we can see other peoples lives in comparison to own, but we don’t necessary understand the dysfunction that we have lived through. We tend to think that once we leave home at 18, or for college, or marriage, when we have the enough money and things, that these patterns of behavior have not affected us in some way, but truth be told, they are playing a part in our lives even to this day. We look at these events, as that it is what is, what I learned or it my life or family upbringing and I am just like them. At this point in my life I tend to think it a copout for not wanting to be responsible for your own choices. At some point we, you, me have to really look at our own life for answers that help us understand the why’s or help us live a better and different life. Life becomes a series of questions.

I have tried to think of ways to explain a complex and complicated way of explaining my life or why the things happen to us. Some of  them are as far reaching that whether they hold, truth or not, is in the person that wants to have a better understanding of themselves or life around them and not make the same mistake twice, or keep living that same experience over and over again like some type of groundhog day, but we seem to like the comfortable and avoid the difficult. Unfortunately, the difficult is where the biggest lessons are learned. There is a quote “don’t judge unless you walk in another shoes”, truth be told, there is much wisdom in that statement. We all think that we know everything or that we have all the right answers and the truth about what we are observing. We don’t know crap. And when something is verifiable, we dismiss it as a lie, untrue or conspiracy.  I came Spirituality through what would be paranormal events, my spirituality is not based on any religion completely, because just like life there is no right answers because all is relative.

So why walk away from your family, because my family didn’t like that I would say things or ask questions that they didn’t believe in. And being told from a young age that I didn’t not know what I was talking about or allow to think about, or not allow to be who I was. And when I asked a question or told something I was wrong, as person, as human, or just being psychic or a medium, which I had no idea I was until the birth of my son in my thirties.

Pretty much I got tired of people telling shut-up and put up with there nonsense. Threats of punishing me, threats of harm or trying to manipulate, that if I didn’t do what they said or believe what they thought, that I was unworthy of love. Constantly having to prove something to them, as if I owe them something. Well, thank you for keeping me alive by feeding me, providing shelter and clothing, but I take my leave now. Like any 12-step program, not I have done one but aware of their concepts of forgiveness is key factor in healing oneself. Well, I forgive but I struggle to forget, because of these events I wouldn’t be talking about them today.

I get that I not everyone cup on tea, that ok will me. I never planned my life for this as I remember it, I wanted to help people, why is another question. My dream was have a home and start a business to work for myself. Now I done that several times over at this point and even when I say I am not doing it anymore and hear just stop if you like and I keep coming back to it. I wonder whether the writing is for myself or others to hear. Being that we all want to feel like we belong, are enough, feel loved and respected. That no matter what life is awesome, even it is fleeing at times.

And with that I wish you a Happy New year and that no matter what happens out there in the world, you are loved and special and deserve the very best that life has to offer. The Voice Within -Donna Millward

12-31-2020 The end of 2020

 

 

So, what did we learn about ourselves or the life around us? I could write and make predictions about events, but what is the point. If I put you or myself in front of two roads or multiple doors, it is free will that makes the choice in what direction that soul will take. Life is a series of choices, one that is most often overlooked by the challenges that we have already faced or a point of reference that will repeat itself. We have not realized that we are the wordsmith in our own story.  We are the observer and creator of what is our destiny or view of the world.

When you reflect on a great writers, religion, philosophy, and or science that tries to explain the world that they are observing, it becomes clear that there is bigger aspect to what were witnessing. If you were a single drop of rain, a blade of grass or single mustard seed that within it contains the whole of universe, which leaves us, to what are humans, if not everything too.

Over the years I have listened to stories and the soul of a person or people, who have endured many challenges throughout their life learning what it like to be the witness of the unforgiveable. Humanity is at this point of where does, it end! What is the breaking point that we finely say enough is enough? The media tells everyday that we should fear people, weather, illness and death; along with so many other things. In psychology it would be called fight flight mode. Constantly battling that perceived threat of something that would do us in. I for one, am tired. They or there are things that battle for our attention that I wish to not be part of anymore.  

I recently was out on a walk and sat down at the edge of the woods and looked out and thought to myself that just the view of the landscape was and is magical. All the layers that are involved just looking at a small part of the view of nature for few moments, that world stopped, as I looked on in disbelief at what I was witnessing. That there is not a single artist that could put words to what I was seeing and wondering why we don’t see ourselves or people as this grand plan or picture, that we become so depended on other people’s view and words that we take them as our own. It’s as if fear and death are the epitome of who we have become.  Why people keep promoting fear as a consensus, when none of us want that for ourselves or other people. We want to be free to be who we really are.

As I sit here writing this and think about how I want to support myself in the upcoming year and next 40 or so years that I may or may not have on this planet. If I am aspect of the whole what is my contribution to live in fear or realize that there is always a different choice. Do I want freedom and liberation of a narrative or continue what is outside of myself to run the storyline! These are the questions that we should be thinking about. In loving memory of all that walked before us and ones that left too soon, so we can come into the truth of awareness of who we are, soul having a human experience.

12-23-2020 Someone said:

 

Donna, (Nastily)I don't believe in all this Woo woo stuff and your most likely a pacifist too. 

I am not everyone cup of tea and I don't believe in War or violence, what exactly has it proven. I don't believe in people starving, or being homeless or  unnecessary suffering. When we have the ability to lift up and help people. And before you say well I work and they can get a job just like myself. I would say go stand in the middle of Valley Forge or Arlington cemetery and tell me what you see. Drive to area that is what considered undesirable and talk to people there and understand the thoughts, pattern and behaviors that they are working from. Go visit a soup kitchen or food pantry or talk to Veteran who is willing to tell his story being on the battlefield.  Visit a Women shelter who face is so bloodly that you can't tell who she is because the husband or boyfriend was drunk because she didn't do something or she didn't cook him dinner. Talk to a mother who child was taking or there child killed themselves because we're not listening on intuitive level to them, or someone else kill their child.  Go talk to a rape victim, or someone trafficked, where someone thought it is there right to take from her or him. 

These are just few of the conversations that I had listening and talking to people. I have seen incredible things that most people will never see or experience, because they don't ask the right questions. I have seen and heard the pain that comes from these people because each time they tell their story it releases some of heartache within. So if you don't believe in the woo woo that ok because it not my job to make you a believer. So when I write something or speak I am not talking out my ass. I do have first hand experience either walking in there shoes or being present for them to tell me their stories.  Each time I pray that these people find forgiveness for themselves and people who did these things to them. And with that being said, until your willing to make inquiries into self and whether it possible as to whether the woo woo exist, just like radio change the station. 

Keeping it simple 12-23-2020

 

 

As the year to comes to close I think about all the things that we over complicate. I decided this year I just wanted lights on my Christmas tree, putting lots of stuff on the tree just seemed too much. Normally I would have planned out a meal for Christmas day starting with breakfast to dinner. I am kind of goodie in that food is expression of who you are. It involves the senses, your heart and the joy of sharing it with family or others that are close to you. I decided that to keep it simple, in that fact, that I would not necessarily go out purchase all this extra stuff to make it more than just spending time with family or friends. We attend to forget that it the simple things that we want in our lives. We all have been pushed to face things this year that test the very core of who we are and how we feel about things. Wondering what is next because watching the news disheartening, yet I can go outside to nature or look out the window and see none of that. I see and feel people’s reaction. All the while questioning where this is going and what are choices for me to not be in the throws of other people's behavior of fear or my own. So, in keeping it simple I am not focused on what is out there. I don’t need to address all these other factors, it may seem cold, but I have enough of own concerns and a keeping positive outlook verses what is portrayed. So simple is what it is, and I am ok with that and grateful that I know what is important to me.