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Thursday, December 31, 2020

12-31-2020 Nine Years Ago

 

12-31-2020 Nine Years Ago

 

Nine years ago, today I walked away from my entire birth family, because of many factors. For one I was trying to put my life back together after my life fell apart, again. Being a single mom with two small children is no easy task. Now I have tried to write my life story down my times, maybe to understand how I got here or why I would have challenge after challenge to just support myself and my children. It seems that my life has always been a series of events or situations.

When I was really too small to know better, I thought I am on the wrong planet or placed in the wrong family. Along with the constantly memory of it not supposed to be this way. I didn’t completely understand why, other than were supposed to come from the heart and love. That if were present enough that all the answers come to us. For those nine years I spend relearning and unlearning programs that were lie after lie of who I am. I done enough research that I could fill several books in my head. Not bad for a person who they said had a learning disability, which is another lie place on myself.

At some point our life comes into question, I would like to tell that my life was wonderful and perfect but that would be a fuckin lie. Without disclosing too much, people think they know you; they have this perception of you including you family, yet I was raised in a family that I would classically call dysfunctional. Was it entirely their fault, no they been trained and programmed to believe that the impossible is not possible and history, society have an enormous part to play in that development!

It is amazing that a child or teenager we can see other peoples lives in comparison to own, but we don’t necessary understand the dysfunction that we have lived through. We tend to think that once we leave home at 18, or for college, or marriage, when we have the enough money and things, that these patterns of behavior have not affected us in some way, but truth be told, they are playing a part in our lives even to this day. We look at these events, as that it is what is, what I learned or it my life or family upbringing and I am just like them. At this point in my life I tend to think it a copout for not wanting to be responsible for your own choices. At some point we, you, me have to really look at our own life for answers that help us understand the why’s or help us live a better and different life. Life becomes a series of questions.

I have tried to think of ways to explain a complex and complicated way of explaining my life or why the things happen to us. Some of  them are as far reaching that whether they hold, truth or not, is in the person that wants to have a better understanding of themselves or life around them and not make the same mistake twice, or keep living that same experience over and over again like some type of groundhog day, but we seem to like the comfortable and avoid the difficult. Unfortunately, the difficult is where the biggest lessons are learned. There is a quote “don’t judge unless you walk in another shoes”, truth be told, there is much wisdom in that statement. We all think that we know everything or that we have all the right answers and the truth about what we are observing. We don’t know crap. And when something is verifiable, we dismiss it as a lie, untrue or conspiracy.  I came Spirituality through what would be paranormal events, my spirituality is not based on any religion completely, because just like life there is no right answers because all is relative.

So why walk away from your family, because my family didn’t like that I would say things or ask questions that they didn’t believe in. And being told from a young age that I didn’t not know what I was talking about or allow to think about, or not allow to be who I was. And when I asked a question or told something I was wrong, as person, as human, or just being psychic or a medium, which I had no idea I was until the birth of my son in my thirties.

Pretty much I got tired of people telling shut-up and put up with there nonsense. Threats of punishing me, threats of harm or trying to manipulate, that if I didn’t do what they said or believe what they thought, that I was unworthy of love. Constantly having to prove something to them, as if I owe them something. Well, thank you for keeping me alive by feeding me, providing shelter and clothing, but I take my leave now. Like any 12-step program, not I have done one but aware of their concepts of forgiveness is key factor in healing oneself. Well, I forgive but I struggle to forget, because of these events I wouldn’t be talking about them today.

I get that I not everyone cup on tea, that ok will me. I never planned my life for this as I remember it, I wanted to help people, why is another question. My dream was have a home and start a business to work for myself. Now I done that several times over at this point and even when I say I am not doing it anymore and hear just stop if you like and I keep coming back to it. I wonder whether the writing is for myself or others to hear. Being that we all want to feel like we belong, are enough, feel loved and respected. That no matter what life is awesome, even it is fleeing at times.

And with that I wish you a Happy New year and that no matter what happens out there in the world, you are loved and special and deserve the very best that life has to offer. The Voice Within -Donna Millward

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