This was written in honor of
my sons one was taken from me 8 years ago on this day 01/13/2021 and one
who I asked to leave because I could not be who he wanted or needed. This also
for all the mothers/fathers who had their children taken, lost in the world, murdered, or lost to suicide.
As I sit in my small
dark shadowy apartment and wonder why my life shifted in a way that are no
longer is define by logical, wondering how this all went so wrong. You plan a life
for yourself and put all your energy and time into achieving that outcome, to
then be rattled with what is next. Only hours before it was in a sense normal.
Now you sit each day praying for understanding, trying to the piece it
together. Did you say or do something that cause this to happen? Was I on the
wrong path that my whole world collided? How I wonder how hell did I pick up myself that day from off the street to take a train ride back to a place of shelter.
How do I tell my son that he must leave to live away from his brother and myself?
These are questions
that I think about in my head. People tend to see me as cold and distance, but
they don’t see the pain or burden I carry. The sadness is ever present. It is
in my heart and demeanor, trying to hold on for dear life. Words can’t express
lost that I feel. To lose a child to death or tragically is a grieving process,
but to lose a child because you sought a better life then the one you had and
one that children deserved. How could a few people decided the fate of your
child when they had no idea what your life was and the man that would set out
to destroy what was left of the life that you had.
The few people that
know me are trying to be helpful and be understanding. Yet, they fail to
understand that part of me died that day. The system failed me and left a
ripple in the wake of a broken heart that I can’t seem to mend. I can do a
thousand things and distract myself in many more ways than I could have possibility
thought of before. But the fact remains that tears will take years or maybe a
lifetime to heal. The fear of opening up or getting close to another in so
painful, because in the matter of hours it can all change or disappear.
I become very acquainted
with the grieving process. Some days are better than others. Somedays it feels
like heart is being ripped from my chest all over again. That day on street when
I felt part of my heart and soul leave. I remember the train conductor telling
me when I arrived to where to get off the train. My heart still sinks every
time, thinking what the hell just happened. I have cursed them in my mind and
even cursed at God, how could you let this happen. When I say to myself that
this was not God doing, it was the people involved. How could people be so
callous to think what they were doing would not cause years of pain and having
to explain to others why you fail to see the importance of their own drama that
they find themselves in.
This child that I
carried within me to breathe life into and one man, one court, now decided his
fate. How was I supposed to move on, how was I to pretend that I was ok with
this? When I am sobbing in tears because the pain just won’t stop. My face so
swollen that I don’t even recognize myself. Having to pick up myself day after
day, hoping for some peace and understanding, as to why. They say time heals
all wounds, well that is understatement in my book. The people around can only
do so much. They know your pain and hate to see you hurt. They do their best to
comfort, but they know, no matter what they say or do, they have let you be and
let you find comfort in the way, that works for you. There no words, the
outside no longer exists. The only thing that matters is this moment, letting
the pain rise to surface to allow a little bit of light in to heal that pain,
even if its only for today.
Trusting and have faith
that one day that pain will ease or just allow the tears to stop. Talk therapy
only does so much, while others wonder what I do all day. When they have no
idea that this burden of pain that I carry is enough to suck the life out of
me. As I wait for his return and wonder what damage has been done. Will I have
the boy that loved with an open heart or will I have a cold and lost soul that
trust no-one. Because no-one listened to his needs or wants. Has the
relationship between his brother’s so unrepairable because one judge did not
see them as brothers, even when both were born from the same mother.
My one-man’s anger
would ripple out over years of his own pain that he wants his own child to
experience, too. Knowing that my pain is not in losing a child that won’t
return it more or less when he returns. I couldn’t even hold a bar to that
level of pain of losing a child, yet in some strange way that understanding
will always be with me. I met others left in the same situation or scrambling
to make sense of their life now. I listen and try to be present to hear their
stories. Their stories similar and different, all at the same time.
Forced to find
forgiveness in the actions of others, or for themselves because their life will
never be the same, how can it! You find way to keep the mind busy and forget
about the laundry and dishes, the projects that you start, but never finish.
Trying to do self-care, because you know that if you don’t, what is point of it
all. Reaching within for the silence that everything is going to be ok, when it
not. People never really understanding that just below the surface is well of
tears waiting to flow, to have your heart healed. Broken and scattered into
million pieces, telling yourself that it ok to feel, again. When you never
really forgot, it's just that it not a about the love or joy that you once had
for your life.
Just wishing someone or
anyone would come to lift-up this burden because it is just too heavy to carry
anymore. All the while other people who have no idea what you been through or
what you are carrying make remarks about you not smiling or being over excited
because their standing in front of you. Please, just go away, you ridiculous
person, your thinking to yourself and trying to be nice without slapping them
on the head. Elfin them under your breathe, because how dumb that they think
that you should somehow be excited that they graced myself with their present.
Do they think there a royal princess or something else!
You stop watching the
news or media because every time you hear something about child taken or
disappearing, lock in camps or cages, your heart sink into your stomach
thinking is this the kind of world that I live in that these sick people think
or have no regard for life that we have learned nothing about treatment of
people, yet children. When you lose a child or they are taken from you, your
reality changes and shifts. Getting things seems less important, setting goals
is trivial, finding happiness in the small things when you really want bigger
things. Home is where your rather be, but that is un-nerving at times because
you will come across a picture, song or something and it is a reminder that a
piece of you is gone.
People fall away and
some you can’t even be bothered with, so you let them go. You look for more meaning in the
relationships that you have, or deeper connection to something or someone,
because these are the things that are important now. The rest was fake, and
illusion of the mind. You try to plant new seeds, nothing seems right or feels
like it has no substance, you want something that matters, has heart and is
passionate, to lift these shadows that pull at you.
Where is that next door
or opportunity that will fill the void, to breathe again. Give life too.
Something with a cause that is near dear to heart, that no matter what comes next,
I will stand there like a rock and not move, to feel the flow of my heart and
breathe again. To know that it was all worth it to shed those tears that help
heal my heart and soul. The sky is roaring outside maybe it the god’s hearing
my prayers to be free again, to feel again. To shine my light that is mine to
me. Something that you learn along the way is no-one can take your soul from
you. That no matter what happens, people, events, deaths you will find a way
back to live again, for it does not need to look normal or by society standard,
it’s yours and yours to make. So, make wise choices this time, don’t settle for
anyone or anything, because you are the one that matters. To the end.
Welcome the beauty and
love when it comes and enjoy the life you have because you only have this one
right now, that matters. Love all that you are and can be, what happen before
is gone, but not forgotten. With all my love cherish yourself and ones left
behind to help pick up the pieces with you. Broken is beautiful.
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