Domestic Violence, Sibling abuse, child abuse, neglect, and dismissive parents
I wanted to post this a few days ago, but I had to call the police on my neighbor. I sat here trying to correct my grammar and sentence structure. I listened for hours as a mother went off on her four-year-old son. I have reported to my complex leasing office several times and have emailed records of the events, which don't always stand up in court situations. That's another story for a different day. I also keep hearing that I need to release this because someone needs to hear it.
Now, my domestic violence didn't start with my ex-partner. It started long before I knew what it was. I was raised in a verbally abusive family, and my father would threaten abuse and punish me for even touching the stereo. I remember playing on the floor and my father coming home enraged and snapping off at my mother. Which she never addressed, not at least from what I saw. The threats of punishment and physical and verbal abuse were daily and most often a form of control over me or us. He would belittle us and make us feel small, unsafe, and literally live in fear of his rages. One time, he got so pissed off that I would not eat my dinner that he told me to leave the dinner table and decide that with my leaving, he threw a butter knife at me, it struck and stuck in my foot. Living with my father was walking on eggshells every day, not knowing when he would fly off the handle at any of us.
I never understood why my mother stayed with him, or whether she feared not providing for us, the marriage vow, or the position and teachings of the church, as the obedient wife death do us part crap. I think and cannot verify it, but believe that this same treatment was generational on both sides of the family. Later, when my father passed, I thought Now we are free, and it ends here. What people don't talk about is that this type of treatment is displayed as a normal behavior because you don't know any better, and for fear of speaking out and about it, outside the home is just as dangerous as living in that environment.
So where I thought the reins of fear should have ended, it didn't. A sibling that I tried to protect as a child would take on the position of the abuser; this time, it was not verbal. It was a full-on rage at questioning something, and my stating my boundaries of borrowing something and then giving it to someone without consent became an incident of full-on altercations. In one incident, my sibling claimed he blacked out. In that he had no control and had no idea what had happened. This has happened several times throughout my life. I have had no contact with him or his family, or my own family, at this point.
My mother, who was either already traumatized or embedded with conditioning of this abuse, failed to step in when opinions arose, which I now believe is a form of gaslighting that is in the collective humanity of trauma, abuse, and punishment. Many of these tactics are still used to break a person or their spirit/soul. Anywhere from the military or performance at your job or school, to competing for achievements not for yourself, but to satisfy other people's needs. As in I only love you unless you're like this or do this, you act like this, or behave the way I want you too.
Even with my father fully knowing that he had a family history of alcohol abuse in his family, he would continue the behavior in our home setting. Whether it came from being social after work or to fit in, family gatherings, this would turn into a nightly ritual, and even driving intoxicated with us in the car, putting us in danger. I have done a deep dive in my memories to remember events, or stories told about extended family on multiple levels, to grandparents, then great-grandparents. I have informed my children because of conditioning and behaviors that come with the ancestral line. That I would go on to have dysfunctional relationships with boys, men, and even women. I learned that men hurt, and boys follow their fathers, and women are powerless or choose not to do anything in hopes that it is just his way or temper. I am assuming here, because many of my family members have passed away, I can not ask them, in the physical sense. And the ones that are left are still deeply in denial of the fact that the behaviors were ok then and even now.
When researching children of alcoholics and co-dependence parents, I was inquiring whether my grandmother on my father's side was an alcoholic too, because she would make this fruit bread boosie thing every Christmas, and for anyone who smelled it could get drunk from smelling it. I clearly heard in her voice that she was not an alcoholic. I tend to believe what I heard. This is before I realized that I could hear loved ones, or that I knew things before they happened. Guides, yes, since I was small, they even protected me at times, and other times I would often call out to them. Even with knowing that I came into a dysfunctional family as a child, it did not make things easier.
I have had to work through a lot of trauma, and some, I am sure, I am not even aware of. This has caused a series of events in my life. That I never realized connected back to my childhood, we tend to think that when we are older or out of the house, it stops. Even with being conscious of the events and aware of not wanting to repeat them. I was unconsciously recreating them in my life and having to work through them. I have sought counselors, hypnosis, and many, many other modalities to release it. Whether it was just crying or journaling. Some of them worked, some did not and some were just as traumatic because their many people doing this work, without doing their own healing around there own trauma and many systems are broken and we constant reinforcement that it your perception of events verse we live in a fricken world that continues to enforce these behaviors, generation after generation until someone takes a stand. See one person healing effects one, and then two, and then three.
I have continued to observe or be a witness to people living out their histories of abuse, trauma, and throwing themselves into relationships that do not serve them. Because in reality, no one can heal you except yourself. And if we look at our histories and what has transpired and still does in other parts of the world, women are still 2nd class and even if by your nationality, or sexual orientation. And I tend to piss people off because I no longer play the victim game. One the abuser does not care about what they do or have done, and if they say as much, that did not mean it, and they continue. Well, let's just say I have met people whose partners are in jail for abuse, or cutting a woman's throat, or choked to the point of death, burned and unrecognizable by the beating on their face that was taken from a man's fists. This is all in a 1st world country. I can tell by a walk, a look, or a trigger without intuition.
One would think being intuitive early on that you would know, but as a child you live with your parents until you can chose for yourself and some people still live under the constant program of hearing their parents voice or the conditioning and some are still with partners, who are now their abuser, all because we not taught not to do self-reflecting, that everything is about giving ourselves love first, before others. You can't give love to anyone what don't have it for yourself, and it is not about achieving status or accumulating material things; that happiness, love, and joy are these things are out there, when it are within all of us and yourself. Even the Amazon truck tells you happiness comes in a box, not within you. When you can clearly see that your emotional needs are not in a box, but a human emotion of something not healed. Anyone or anything that tells you that it will bring happiness is marketing at you and not in you. That is how algorithms are created by the searches that you do. Your emotional states are funding big business, and your data is business, and a lot of cha-ching.
Abuse is self-abuse because it is conditioned into us, even if it was in the womb. We deny our experience, hoping they will disappear in the backdrop and we won't have to relive them, but they are there until we heal them; it may be a lifelong journey to take our power back from the people who were involved. The takeaway is you free yourself and love yourself first, and the question is, is love for myself more important than allowing anyone to tell you or me otherwise!
Some may say that it is narcissistic to say that I love myself. That is the conditioning talking, and do you think that a narcissist knows the meaning of love? A true narcissist has no compassion or empathy, and sympathy for the pain that they cause, because it is not part of their self-reflection or inner wisdom. They don't love because they live in a conditioning of behavior, too!!! Also, your experiences are not going to be like anyone else's journey, you have lived in a different environment and conditions, and even culturally and economically, religious beliefs, and a whole lot of indoctrination on what a human should be.
I write about this because the county where I was born and raised, the local State representative (I don't currently live there because of my situation and my protection), put forth an Act to " Strengthening Protections for Domestic Violence and Stalking Survivors". This Act is only the beginning and is only good for people already "convicted" of this incident. I have written about my niece who was killed by a person who had no documented incidents and when I found out about her passing, I cried and thought that could have been me, because my situation was informed by my childhood and then to add to it, by almost being abduction or kidnapping, by a predator and numerous bullies, men and boys. That has been taught to violate a woman physically, verbally, and sexually, whether it is taught, observed, witnessed, or socially. I only read part of the initiative and thought should I write the representative because they really don't have an understanding of the complex issues that it really entails, of being prey to these predatory people, and not just men.
I just realized that whether the representative was affected by her death or a response to something else, like a political view for his own agenda, what is clear is that this was in the county that is his home, to himself and his family. And a call is too late for many with Protection from Abuse orders, when the state and county make you disclose many and all of your personal information to these people, if you have child/ren together. That is all other psychological shit storm.
I have also met women who carry these behaviors. I was first jumped in elementary school and then in middle school by people who I thought I was friends with, while other friends watched it happen. Seeing and watching it being done to another is just as bad. You lose trust in people, the system, and fear retribution, and counseling could not handle that amount of people traumatized by the very system that we now operate within. The systems that now function to medicate in the hope that you can be a productive person in society, and when the very society is crashing around us, and that this is repeated often through history. All for what the biggest bullied and one's unseen. No one has ever stopped to think what fear creates control, and control is the disempowerment of the human spirit. You don't need a dictator, just one bully. Where do bullies come from, people who bully them, or people who don't see themselves as love or even lovable.
If I could say anything, it would be that the system that failed me and my children forced into a reality that I could not even conceive of. When I have to sit in front of interviewer, which I think I have become a professional interviewee at this point, and they want to know why I have the skills and not years of experience that they want or are looking for all because I am not tolerant of nonsense and will not be treated with disrespect and have not learned without triggers to put these people in their place when they want me to be like them. Because let's be honest, we want people just like us, and some of us are not that person. Whether it is years of trauma or just our nature, and from not having good conflict resolution, which is a skill, it is not something modeled in life.
Outside of the fact that I have all these gifts, which is not the norm, and then function in a world that does not understand that we all have these abilities, and we come here to remember who we are, that we are not just a human in a body, but a divine being. It has its situations, and people want proof for themselves, yet never question who I am. Am I the story that I have been told, or am I something much, much more than I ever thought I could be? Or why am I here on this planet?
I heard to add this because I questioned it with the guides. Carl Jung's perspective is that heightened sensitivity is an innate trait, not inherently pathological, and should not be automatically labeled as a psychological problem. Me) What if we all have a sensitivity that has stopped listening to our inner wisdom, because what was reflected to us was the opposite of what we knew within us. That we felt things and stopped listening, because the people, parents around us, were not honest with us or themselves. So we stopped listening to our own inner wisdom. We all have met someone that we didn't like as a child or adult, but did we ever ask ourselves why we feel that way about that person? What are they mirroring that I don't see in myself?
**
People want to know whether it's by me writing a book or how I do what I do. I have no idea other than I am built this way. I read through hundreds of books and did countless research. There is no one book. I trained with a few people, and I became lost because I didn't understand why they were doing what they were doing, and I have never really had to try. Do I always get the answers, No. It depends, for me personally, I have a lot of unanswered questions as to why such drama and destruction of my life occurred, and what was the point of it. I have an entire spiritual side and a side that has seen some of the true darkness that people display.
It is one of the reasons why I write the way I do. For me, it has not been a walk in the park on a breezy day, and out of all the books that I read, finished or unfinished, I may truly never understand until I am on the other side. I tried to follow others' lead, and it was not me. I was not raised in a family where expressing feelings was allowed, much of which is a generation patterning, I think, limited by memories of what I was told. Since I have been through so much, it's hard to focus on a single point in my history and journey so far. I just keep going, even when I like what the wtf.
If I wrote from a trigger or charged emotion, I don't know if I could do this work. Yes, there are times I write something that annoys me or rant, because it projected that everything is a loving vibe, that is suggestive, and when someone cuts you off in traffic or neighbors bang on the floor or wall, it is not love that is coming out of me. I asked people to say if I have helped them, and because there is still so much taboo around spirituality, I have questioned this work more than once, and why I keep doing it.
I have asked the guides questions based on the following book: Soul Integration by Sal Rachele. I have heard this same information and similar information channeled by others and questioned it. That if humanity is learning from polarity, good, bad, hot, or cold. At what point does humanity decide that we are not going to learn from these extremes? That we have been doing this lifetime after lifetime, from the fall of Atlantis and before. Playing war against everyone, even ourselves as males, females, bi, by nation, color, sexuality, religious or social class, etc. You get the point.
