S-8-13-21 Recovered Trauma from Two and half years old

 

8-13-21 Recovered Trauma from Two and half years old

Imagination being two half years and being screamed at to stand still for a picture that was important for some reason and that event for would be the beginning of a life that was a catalyst for the rest of your life, until you finally sat down to look at the things that have happened and found that it did have a root cause.

Now one of questions that I am often asked by people who know me, why they did not know that I could bring psychic, medium or channeled messages through. Well for one thing I told not to speak about it and the other reason that I had no idea that it had a named until was in my thirties. I just walked around apparently being me and because it was second nature to me, other than seeing things I just did not say anything about. I would speak about things and it created some ending to many friendships.

I thought everyone could do it and it was some unwritten rules that you did not discuss it. I didn’t think it was issue until I realized that much later, when I would say thing and people reacted to me. I think I thought it was like politics and religion and just did not say anything. Also, I raised that if had nothing nice to say, don’t say anything, or Children are seen and not heard, that one makes me cringe.

As child I knew that I was in the wrong family or wrong planet. I knew that I here for a reason and what the reason was or is on-going process. Now trying to condense 51 years of experiences in a book or a single writing is overwhelming to say the least. It as if I am reliving, those events all over again and to hit on key points to trigger your memory of why things that have happened or never needed to happen. Yet in the same respect had you not walked through it you would not be the person you are today or have the understanding of what another has gone through. There is in the spiritual community saying that “you are not your story, yet your story has defined who you are to this point”. 

In both psychology and the spirituality there is a common thread that what you experienced between the ages of birth to seven are the crux of your entire being in this life, which is only partially right. Being that I never felt that my birth family was my real family, it made my life difficult in the fact that I did not understand the rules to the game I would say.

How could anyone one, we are born from a perfect state of being to choose these family were any remembrance of truth or love is quickly forgotten or programmed out of us. Then you consider the fact our families have their history of generations before and all those dysfunction and programming before we were thoughts to own parents. Now each us or me experienced things that were not from where we came on the other side. I don’t have full memory of where I came from before birth, yet I have seen things that just don’t exist in this world at present or do, and only a few thousands of us have access too.

My two-half year old wants to say that moment I experienced anger directed at me for not following directions was pivotal in my development.

I have no memories before that moment and have even attempted to view them under hypnosis, which is how, I know about this single event. I went under Hypnosis in 2017, where I realized that I kept having pattern of events show up in my life that would then connected back to this moment at two-half. It shows how these events connected back I would end relationships and jobs with this same time frame.

I was subconsciously protecting myself from being screamed at or having someone angry at me for my behavior, which of course any parent will tell that no child sits still at that age or is easily distracted by things, that is what children do. Now we live in culture that if child cannot sit  there, there is something wrong with them. Yet, the only testing presently done is for a person to observe the child. There is no real testing, family culture, dysfunctions or questioning what type of food that the child is drinking or eating. I think most people should be in horror of the food industry and that is whole other conversation.

 I know this because one of own children I told had an issued that required meds. I fought it, until talked into it after I put my son in time-out, and he could not stay still. Never considering that he ate something or had extra energy that he needed to burn off. Then my son was over medicated to point that I didn’t know who he was at school activity and had no idea because the meds would only last through the school day. Even when they changed the meds, he started losing weight and his appetite. So, any structure that I had for dinner or meals when right out the window. Looking back, I would never put that kind of drugs in a child that age. The meds that use our scheduled 2 controlled substance of stimulants right up there with opium. (usdoj.gov controlled substance) and they pass it out like it candy. You must wonder ar they doping these kids on purpose. Children normally are still connected to other side but until numerous things, events, parenting, trauma, schooling. Schooling not about thinking for oneself and programming to service as clog in machine. 

I also attempted to learn hypnosis back in 2010, I stopped after my instructor said that I could not possibility know what I saying to another student without them being under hypnosis.  I never went back after that. Few years he did held another event, but it was money scam, and he did not teach you anything of value or worth of your time and money. I did investigate other people’s work, but the cost of these programs is out most people’s reach per se, unless you want to learn it and the money with appear.

If you gotten to this point, I would look for pattern in life, start with a time of line of when or what memories you have. There is so much trauma in the first seven years of life that most people don’t realized.  I should note that went I was under hypnosis that my energy body have a hole in the larger than my head.

This energy body is a protected field around my body to protect you from leaking your life force energy and keep other peoples stuff out of your own field. Which can be healed with the help angels and asking heal & seal the field. You can see it looking for it in meditation or see someone who works energy fields.

These are all subconscious programs that running: Sub because if they made conscious you would see them and say I am doing this behavior. etc..let me change it.  

Programmed to not speak my truth

Programmed to be screamed & yelled at.- leading being to disrespected and disrespect yourself 

Programmed to not listen to myself

Programmed to not believe in my truth, be who I am.

Programmed that something is wrong me for not listening, cannot following instruction or directions.

2-19-22 Shattered into Million pieces

 

If someone once told me that by talking about my story that it would help a lot of people. At the time I had no idea psychically, as a medium or channel what that meant at the time or why love is an obstacle for people to love people. If we are an expression of all things in form and God is the creator of all things including us, why do we do what we do to other people? I recently had several conversations that involve TRUST. Trust is a big word in that we must trust ourselves, other people, and Trust that there is a plan even when we don’t fully understand what is happening in our life and lives. Why do some people show up and others disappear?

Why people discuss letting go or why a spiritual person wants to say why another person is lonely. When if you step back far enough and with some knowledge or observation we can see or at least witness another pain that working through. Even when they can’t see. I see people claiming to just let go but this can only be done from a broader perspective. Spiritual people claim that you are lonely because you are disconnected from yourself or source, God, or whatever your belief system is that you have no idea who you are. Well, you’re never disconnected or separated from yourself or God because that is who you are. You don’t need to believe in Jesus who was a man in his own right. (Hold comments and do own research)

Just because you are connected to the spirit world does not put you out of the realm of being lonely. If anything, I have encountered more ego in the spiritual community than some of the toxic men that I dated. If I learned anything is that my relationship with the men or women in my life will always come back to my family roots or childhood. These patterns that show up in my life come from experiences that are so old and forgotten about that I can’t even remember them until they show up or are pointed out in a situation by my reaction to them.

I recently stepped back from reading and even pulled back in psychic information because it is a lot of energy to hold and with the need to for a lack of words exploit certain infractions whether it the government, secret societies, Aliens invading bloodlines call what you want. I had my share of weird stuff from people and in-plane sight in the daylight.  To arguments when trying to verbally express my view. To the point, I say why bother.

I for one would tell you to skip the tarot readings, medium and go work one yourself and read about the Master teachers and channeling from sources that are bringing this information through from people to remember that we are all sources and gods in the aspect. How there are parallel realities, dimensions, and past lives are really current lives existing at the same time as this one. I don’t fully understand how that karma from a current technically past life is affecting us now, or how death in another is affecting this present one. Still working that out. Anywho.

The guides and Master teach that you are the creator of this reality that you currently living in by your thoughts and emotions. Now as a child I understood that everything was love, until it was forced out of me by the people in my life, or one could say that I sign up for it as a soul journey to experience that extremes of good vs evil, love vs hate, the polarity of living this experience. That we are playing our part in the great scheme of things, and the other thing that the guides say is to try and see it from a higher perspective, which at times can be difficult.

I have spent the last 18 years researching what I can just to understand what was happening to me and why it was not taught to us from the beginning. And the answer is that for generations this information has been coming through people and we don’t question the unexplainable. I have a neighbor who asked me to go chase a ghost and I said why do I want to mess around with a ghost, these are ghosts (people) who have not transitioned to heaven or another dimension, they linger as attachments, apparitions, or imprints on the land, caught in what is called limbo, meaning they neither here nor there.

Thank God there are people who work with rescuing these souls, both in reality and Aetheric planes, but like us, they have free will and can choose not to leave which is sad because they chose to stay between worlds. One of the hardest things in this work is once you start you can’t go back because your world changes and sometimes it is at rock bottom, which I find strangely bizarre without proper support and guidance your left in what I call blind faith. I still have decided whether it saved my life or destroy it.

Learning about any or all this created confusion in that you learn that you didn’t need to experience certain things and because is both unsettling and a little disturbing that we are forced to forget or by choice to fit into even just birth families. I for one don’t understand the logistics if this is helpful in the present or some future version of myself.

Because my family and children are not that supportive of even conversation into the thoughts of expression that I attempt to offer, which is quite challenging to say in the least bit.  Then add empath and Telepath into the mix and literally feeling people and actually know whether their intention is pure or not. Oh, beware that there are people who are not of the highest intention of people out there and moral scruples, but the question could be that maybe you needed to discernment. My intention is not to validate but offer an opinion or my thoughts on my own journey and view.

If I can offer one word of advice is that you are God in form, you have millions of cells in the body, which are all you, but in the conceptual component, you are a fractal of one cell or all that is, which is both multiply dimension and exists of out of time and space. Being that there is not just one of you that exists. And Fear is the only obstacle in the way, which does not exist but is created to make you think that you should fear yourself or others.

2-19-22 Self Punishment

 

I was thinking how we self-punish ourselves. Not because we deliberately want to be punished in some form. It is mindset or programming from an early age. And since most people come from a dysfunctional family that transcends our lineage by inheritance and not in the form of money or property. Yet, it could be mental property. As in myself saying Why I do I do that! A valid question I supposed. But when you realize how much mental space it is taking up!

One needs to question why am I doing that..? The guides have come through and said worrying is a useless state of being, that we are wasting energy on the past actions or thoughts instead of creating a different outcome. So, I got thinking about the times when we ended our relationship, jobs, made a choice in our lives that didn’t create that expectation that we desired.

If I look at the root cause of this self-punishment it would have begun in my childhood because I did something that didn’t, please another or I didn’t understand what was being asked of me or I was not doing or being exactly how another would have wanted or done. See I know that in order to change a behavior or thought pattern of belief, that you need to be aware that you’re doing it.

Since most schooling and parenting is not questioning the world or thoughts but more of the action of remembering and repeating what you have learned, whereas were taught to think in just one direction versus seeing multiple possible at the same time. It is kind of like getting directions for putting something together and it makes no sense or rather nonsense. You then say screw it and layout all the pieces and say I know what it is supposed to look like and work out how you put it together.

So, if we or you are self-punishing ourselves for perceived wrongs which are part of the human experience for you or your soul to grow, is it possible that there are no errors! That job ended because it was not the right fit, that relationship ended because you learned that you had different thoughts and beliefs on what you wanted in your life. Were sold on the fact that there is only one soulmate for us when in reality everyone is a soulmate. There may not Sexual connection to procreate but that does mean every person is not an opportunity to make a soul connection.

The guides often say nothing that you experienced is there without a reason. You have called into being, this is similar to what is taught about the law of attraction except people look at it in material aspect for financial gain instead of an experienced of. So, while we're trained into that we should self-punish for the ending of things, whatever they may be, to then see them as an opportunity to get clearer about the things that we really want for ourselves, instead, we’re suffering or punish because we didn’t get it right. 

Now we could go deeper and say this karma or ancestor programming that Well for lack of better words that you’re not good enough or worthy of better, or you deserve to suffer. Understandingly there is a grieving process with any loss or change that affects our life or lives. But what about the present or future, so many are caught in the past like armor that does not allow things in that we miss opportunity because we are caught in the mindset that I did this, and this happen and not looking beyond to what could be.

We all came in with a dream and I don’t think suffering is one of them. So instead of self-punishment of the soul having human experienced we could say “what did I learn from that experience and what would I change or see differently” because if we question our own thoughts, they have no power over you to occupy space in the mind and to choose differently.

Since this could be a lengthy conversation to question your thoughts and why you think the way you do and knowing rightly that you hold the keys to the answers that you seek, on just need to question yourself and why you choose the thoughts that you do. Good day.

 

02-07-2020 Growing up a Fu*k Up

 

So, I have always walked to my own beat and will continue to. As a child, and not sure at what point it happen or whether it was ever mine to own. I just didn’t understand the rules that were placed on me. I didn’t fit in or walk with the understanding that being who I was, was not ok. I didn’t listen, I didn’t follow the rules or act in the right way that was acceptable. There are all these rules and limitations that I just did not understand or even explained to me.

I was expected to be something that I wasn’t. I made too much noise, or play too loudly, spoke when I was not supposed, not quiet enough, or not be seen. I made messes and walk on the grass and pick the flowers that were mine to take. I played in trees and climb them and fell from them too. I didn’t understand what the big deal was. I followed my brother when he tried to outride me with his bike. I like to explore and read and when there were no books JCPenney’s catalog would have to do.

I tried to fit in and my ways by being that helpful child, jump when I called to be. I stood up and put on the brave face when I just wanted to be left alone. I would stay in my room or go wander the woods and sit by the crick, which was just run-off water to just be in nature.  With life just teaming around me. There were no problems, no worries, no one to tell that I was doing it wrong.

The constant expectation of not being enough or doing it wrong and extremes of freedom to strict structure with no real variants between, my way or the highway. Even with a paper bag in hand sitting on the step because I did something so long ago that I have no memory of to the cause as to why. Or the multiple times that I just didn’t want to eat what was served for dinner because of what it looked like, smelled like, or just nasty.

All the time that I went to the food store as a child and wondered why there were fresh fruits and vegetables that we never ate except out of a can, and we only ate the potatoes and onions out of all those colors of what was there. At that point, I had been programmed to not question and challenge because of the reasons listed above and more.

It has taken me a long time to understand the impact that those words, actions and school, society places on anyone, financial constraints, to keeping up with the Jones or comparing every bit and piece of myself that comes up to be looked at. What having a religion or not having when given the opportunity to learn for myself.

Going to Sunday school church and not who this man was or why he was so important. Not knowing bible stories or even heard of them. All these things impacted my mind and life to what or who I should be. It really did matter who I was, there were labels and actions that spoke volumes to the point that you forget who you are, and you don’t remember what part of the story is yours or someone else.

The memories are muddled with bits and pieces like lost thoughts between mixed thoughts of what is real and what is not. The hole has been deep and when I wanted to just stay there because the words were arrows that I could not escape. Pretending to be invisible or walking on the ceiling with a mirror in hand when I think the world is upside down and backward all at the same time.

I had to learn to step back and relearn the truths, lies, and deception of what is less than truth. I knew that truth as a child and quite slowly and consistently, the world and people told me my story of who I was supposed to be when my heart was trying to tell me the truth that I knew and felt. Even on days that I doubted everything and everyone because when you can only see the darkness while questioning why is this happening. Why can’t others see it?

Even with my gifts and which I didn’t realize were gifts because they functioned more of a navigation system to keep me safe, even when they didn’t, or I learn to deny that part of myself because that part of me wasn’t ok with the people around or what people wanted from me or by the world at hand.

My biggest adversary is myself because all those people who did or didn’t do, we're there to tell me their tales of the same untruth and convince me that I could never fit in because I choose love over the darkness of the lies. The deception that fear of people, life, or what they could do or not should leave me in a state of not believing in myself, trusting myself, or loving myself and other people.

I can’t explain why people do what they do- could be programming, trauma, social conditioning, karma, dharma, soul contracts, a type of butterfly effect. What I do know is that I am not Fu*K up because someone else thinks it, not does not make it so.

Kintsugi-

 In Japanese Kintsugi is the art of when something breaks by putting the broken pottery pieces back together with gold- build on idea that embracing flaws and imperfections, you create an even stronger, more beautiful pieces of art. 

Beauty is in breaks because that is what we came to remember, that with all the trials and tribulations these attributions or breaks is what makes us human and love at the same time. 

01-13-22 You can walk through Anything- Lost custody of my Son

I am reminded by just the date that 9 years ago that my world was forever changed. Today 9 years ago I went to court on a contempt order for leaving the county will my son. I left for myself and to protect children from a man and my family that did want to help us or had the best intention for us. We are raised with the belief system that Family is Family, that blood is family ties. In fact, I left with both my children as the court decided their fate for the rest of their lives. 

I left because I was verbally threatened by a man for over 11 months that he would take my son from me. To repeatedly, verbally abuse my other son by telling him to his face that he was not blood and some kind of problem because he would criticize him without any real cause of action for it. My contempt order hearing very quickly turns into having the custody of my son taken from based on the fact that I am living in a Women's shelter for Domestic violence because this man physically attacked me in front of my children because of an unknown reason. I could speculate on what caused him to attack me which denies to this day.  

This man who had taken us in only 11 months earlier from me calling on New year’s eve from but a Domestic Violence situation my family home that I resided in with was being punk out by my crack head brother who thought I was one of his street thugs, as my then son called the police because all the adults in the house then assaulted me for setting boundaries and I had had it my brother's drug dealing, drug abuse and quite frankly having to answer to the neighbors, the probation officer and anyone else that I have to explain away why mother failed to take responsibility or set rules and boundaries in her own home. 

This of course hidden from me or my awareness because for years this had been going and even though there was discuss there was no action taken to correct the situation. I had no thought or idea that magnitude that this was going on years before. I don’t know why I did see it before or connect the dots to see that this was going on my whole life and now was bleeding into my own life. 

Even as a small child I knew that I was living from and in dysfunction, it was apparently in everything that we did. I even knew that I never wanted to live that way. As strange as it was I conscious and unconscious to the level of abuse, physical neglect, and control that was running my life. All of which are conscious patterns running our life. 

Only years before had I ended a relationship with this same man that would alter my life and children. I would like to say Jekyll and Hyde would be the words to describe what happen overnight after the birth of my son, but it is more like the charmer and beast. My son was not even 12 hours old when it reared its head. I brushed it off as a new father and wanting to protect but showed up as controlling and dominant.

My other son had become a problem, my parent skills were not fit for him, and no matter what I did or did not do, whether it was taking care of our son, which was really his son. Working, cleaning, trying to run a household, money, and bills – it was all on me. When I asked him for help it outright dismissed it or why can't you do it all – since your home more than me. 

So, after a few months and a discussion that we should speak to a therapist I ended the relationship. My idyllic life of the home, white picket fence, and family dog went to shit. It was one event after another before my son's birth and after. The after of this relationship is looking more like a train wreck waiting to happen. I made the decision to not have any more children, which the ex-apparently had problems with, and rightfully so because I did not have a discussion with him.  My body and because he already trying to control every part of my life. From holding my son, not enough holding my son, to carrier, walker, the swing – feeding him, and so much more. 

So, I ended the relationship, sold my house after trying to keep it together, and function with two children, one under the age of seven and an infant to then-toddler. Had I had someone say Donna buckle down and cut down or out things that you don’t need or alternative ways maybe. But my expenses were over my head and childcare null. My family would agree and then I would show up and they would seem annoyed at best or think that any kind of structure that I had in place, would be thrown out the window.  

Even as I made a weekly trip with therapy for my son, even the therapist never made references or give suggestions or assistance. When it came to spirituality, she would give me an idea regarding books. Why spiritual was more important than my life falling apart, or making some changes or adjustments to my life, to maybe assistance. Nope did not happen. 

After selling my home, moving 4 times and no help supportively, and basically floundering around for close to two years. I moved back to my family home in hopes of putting my life back together. What a mistake that was – These events that I had encountered were not some random event, but a cause of the many problems that I was encountering. I thought that they had roots in anything, but they did and were subconscious. Then events were my childhood and my upbringing just about everything that I was encounter stemmed from my childhood trauma. Even as I was aware of the dysfunction I was now replaying in my own life. 

Spirituality, I was having things happen to me as I slept and had no idea what to do with the information, or as to why I am seeing things, and how to control what was happening to me. I was walking in between two worlds and either of them was making any sense to what was happening to me. Not once did I ever connect my life to my childhood or spirituality to anything because even with the books that I had encountered did it say that you need to protect yourself or white light, ground, meditation, etc. 

To this day I struggle to remember to do these things and it has slowed down, but still has no rhyme or reason to when it is happening or whom if anything it is for. I move back to my family home, all the dysfunction of my childhood, psychic gift, and my life in pieces are what I am working with and all the while trying to get back on my feet to live my life and protect my children. 

My life becomes not only protecting my children and now myself and still not connecting the dots to the causes of the many things that are happening to me and what happening in the external part of my life. They say that what is happening on the external is an indication of the internal. Well, then I am walking mess moving back and forth between so many things, and thoughts and dysfunctional I am spinning putting band-aide where I could. 

Where one should feel safe is now a brewing storm of chaos around me, and I am in the middle of a storm and my children who should be safe and protected and living a happy life being a child are limited by the insanity of the people around me. They say you are a mirror to and from the people around you. Well, mine looks like this, I have a mentally unstable Uncle who is over-drugged and a mother who by all accounts is trying to help and save people who don’t really want to be helped, I have a crack addict brother dealing drugs to avoid what who knows at this point. 

I have sheriff’s department walking into my family home and I am lining the children up on the sofa, after they walk into the house with authorization to pick up my brother’s numerous warrants, another family member is sitting there saying I don’t want any parts of this and don’t get me involved. I have a family member who is involved with a heroin addict and has two cases of protective services against already and leaves the children for hours by themselves and mother has turned a blind eye to what is happening within her home: along with this being normally by no rational person observing or witnessing this. 

The things this has been going on for a long time. Not realizing that this directly related to my childhood and how I was raised. Same story different players or people depending on how you look at it. They say you marry your parents in your relationships. Well, that can’t truer. My assault on myself and my son calling the police 10 years ago left me fleeing for my safety and theirs. I called my Ex because I had no one to turn to, at this point. 

My ex took us in and within three days started in what more psychologic head games. He told me I could not use his car, phone and stopped that child support that he was paying to, now figure out how the kids were going to finish out the school year because were 4 miles walking in one direction to, how is the school could contact me, no money to even wash clothes to his strange eating of eating the same meal 7 days a week to sleeping when he slept, and not being able to watch TV or soon how he managed to revoke child support with courts contacting me. To then get assistance using our information and taking control of that – to me finally saying that these children cannot eat the same food over, over again. 

I found myself in constant shock of what my family had done and disbelief and what I now encountering. I went from complete chaos to this, which I have no words for it even to this day. All the while my family or the Ex thought this is normal. As I tried to understand what the hell was happening and why was I finding myself in these situations, events and figuring a way out of it. With nowhere to turn yet talk to someone about what was happening to me and how to save my children and myself from these people. 

By all accounts, this is a lot more involved but I trying to structure it in a way that shows patterns and subconscious beliefs, behaviors, and actions at play. Even with knowing my story about my life and not wanting to replay, relive them, they are still at work in my life to this day.  And since most of this is written from memory, I do have books that I journal in to notate whether they are spiritual or my personal life this is a broader overview of events.  

Save my children and me – is a theme right out of my childhood. Not ever feeling safe to be who I met to be. What is that? Is something that I am redirecting every day. 

My day in court for contempt was less than 2 hrs. about the same time it took to cross two counties by bus, train, and walk to the courthouse. Unknowingly, I was not there for contempt, but a Judge single handily decided that custody of my son was his outcome. Even will laws in place to stop these types of actions and 40 lbs. of documents showing that I was the primary caregiver and signed PFA protection of abuse order signed in another county by another judge to the fact that this man had openly admitted to actions that cause this event. 

I have no words for the sheer shock when the Judge turn and took my custody away that day. The bailiff or officer of court removed me from the courtroom since I was the only one left there, I just couldn’t fathom what had just happened. I had no attorney – why would I this was a contempt hearing, not a custody hearing. 

I somehow made it to the street, where I collapsed in disbelief, what the hell just happened. After a few minutes, I pulled myself together to walk to the train station. I somehow managed to get myself without injury to train and on it. It is a complete blur. When the conductor came for my ticket one look at me said are you alright and I told him that told I just had custody of my son taken and he said where do need to get off. I told him and this conductor left me to be but made sure that I got off the train when I need to. 

When I say that tears flowed, they did not stop that night or the next day to point that my other sons had an appointment with another therapist because it was suggested that before the court that we both get help with the children regarding what happened. Seemly stupid people have no idea even with medical degrees in counseling. I have been ordered to turn my son over the upcoming weekend. I would have fled if I had somewhere to go, but I didn’t. 

Because I have already had years navigating the courts prior to this and this is now a custody issue, somehow, I got in my head that I will fight this and file an appeal. What I did know at the time was this was considered a Poor man Appeal by the next presiding judge but would allow me to then get counsel. 

Long story short, I did get an attorney. Eighteen months fighting several laws that were broken by contempt hearing and not custody hearing, to appeal and get a different judge who by all accounts brought my other son's case into this one without any need or use, to use a reference point with that Ex multiple charges against for support payments and criminal to say that my son care was better in the hands of man – signed a paper that he, in fact, assaulted me. 

He denied verbal threaten to take my son, assault my other son- which again was a signed document with another court system. To still lose custody after the 18 months, to insult my attorney because she lived in a different county, and for the judge to use intimidation tactics stating this my courtroom. I am not exactly sure how the following came about but my attorney spoke with a colleague and now I had two attorneys. What I have not said is that my attorney actually taught laws classes to upcoming lawyers regarding domestic violence cases. 

We file an Appeal with the Superior Courts of Philadelphia, well which was a complete waste of time. With less than 30 mins my 800-page appeal was told to return to the lower courts to challenge what had already been put in motion. I did not get my son back and it has been an influx of emotion ever since. 

So not draw this out over what seems like a lifetime ago, which is still very present in my life now. It has been 9 years of trying to understand what happened spirituality, and what happened to the life that I once had. I don’t suggest that you read up on other cases because I have done that. It is a nightmare of stories, from orphan trains to whole histories of children being separated from families all over this entire planet and on every continent. Culturally there is no demographic and encountered other women over the ten years whether they give up their child for adoption or by court order because not have basic resources and support. 

It seems to be a money game, and a much sinister act of crimes against women, humanity, and the parent-child relationship. I see as this there are two base emotions love and fear and everything stems from it. Love is the highest and fear is a base primal instinct. If you create enough fear people will conform to about anything with a question. 

Fear of Survival is instinctual because we are naturally inclined to fight and flight to survive – we did not come to survive; we came here to thrive. In basic terms because I remember knowing things a child and because of trauma turned inward to protect myself from my parents and told not to speak about it, like something taboo and constantly told that your wrong, don’t know what you’re saying, doing, or you cannot know anything with teaching it to degree your natural intuition which all species have on the planet. Fact check this for yourself. 

What I experience as a child is in direct correlation to my experienced in every area of my life. Every relationship, money issues or not, behaviors, patterns, beliefs, and actions. I had a theory that it was fear that caused other people to forget their psychic abilities. Then I thought it was because as a child and completely open that we shut down because it is too overwhelming, and we turn away through many programs to just fit into the family unit, school, society, and friends. And having aware parents to direct and guide us properly creates the separation. 

To which we have religions, people in power, medical, psychology, and science all telling us that we are all wrong and more or less complete idiots and came from monkeys to wo/man, which of course is not what other fields of study point too. I don’t know enough information to argue for or against. But when I experience things that I was never taught then have to make sense by asking questions about reality and that things exist that otherwise are considered woo-hoo this course can explain a lot of things and why we know or sense things, but we talk ourselves out it because we taught to not listen to our inner voice – are heart. 

One thing that I tell is that crazy or not when I get guided information, it sounds like I am talking before hearing it or writing it down I know that it is not me, it also feels different. This is only achieved by meditation and quieting the mind to receive the information, images, sounds, smells, and light language or healing energy that the body is very capable of doing or giving. 

Mind chatter – looping of thoughts, circular thinking normally comes from one side of the brain, I could be corrected – in that I am basing this on my experience not everyone else. The chatter is normally left side if watch it in meditation. I get information in both ears, but mostly the right ear. I also know that we talk whether it is in my own thoughts or trying to process something it is in the throat area, not my head. When I actually speak it is not from the mind but the use of the throat. If the mind is a supercomputer then its job is to store, process, and work the entire body-mind, body, soul. The heart and brain are the two organs that the body cannot work without in the human body suit unless your zombie doctors doing DNA or cells – which are out there is. The heart which is spelled differently is earth and we're told for the most part we are made of earth carbon-based, atoms, molecules, etc. 

So, if I feel pain is through the head or heart! If I feel love is in the head or heart because if I eat something I never had and eaten with the throat is it the mind, heart, or throat choosing whether I like it or not. I see people using Darwin’s theory – which I am not in the belief. Because as humorous as it is God spelled backward is Dog, So I evolved from a dog. 

Where did snakes, elephants, plants, planets, and fish come from! I think that we're have been seeded from other planets for millions of years and that information has been denied to us for “Fear” that if we really were told this information we would question everything and all possibilities. Why do people have all these different types of experiences but were the crazy ones! When people speak out like Snowden’s, Military – all branches – black ops or special forces or normal person – it is labeled a mental condition. One that you should be hung for, medicated, or destroyed for even thinking and expressing it. 

I am tired of living in fear of what could happen or not happen- from food shortages, car chips, phone clips, and anything else the social media wants to throw at us. Wars, nuclear threats, illness, bio-warfare. Elites, corporations, Gmo’s, geoengineering, and natural disasters or man-made. I have lived from fear conscious and subconscious my whole life and I will die someday, and it has almost happened several times over and when they took my son from me and the other ex-tried to do the same things too. As a parent, I know that I am a guardian to them and that they are children of and that God I was given them to protect and guide them so they can become the people they are met too. God is the authority of all judgments and actions. It is us humans that screw up the world and not all of us, because most of the actions are done with knowledge or not with the consent of all. 

I have had a discussion once where a man and he was going on, on about women being ill rational, emotional to sensitive and whatever else they used to explain a very dumb point, and I don’t remember what their point was – but I simply said you as a man would have blown up the world several times over because you do not think about everything else. This is not to negate all men – or women believe people are not important or other species on the planet. This is not to state that you have an opinion and worthily as it is, is narrow in perspective. And this can be in perspective by the bees- no bees no food. No rain or water – no human, no food, no trees… I think I made my point. 

I think I will end my story here for now.

I also want to note that Legal Aid in the state of Pennsylvania is for all purposes connected, meaning that if you reside in one county and ex-partners lives in another county you cannot use their services, if they have already inquired and inquires counts as services because I live in a Southeastern division this includes five countries. So, the options are nil other than to go to the city of Philadelphia outside of the Southeastern division to petition for maybe a judge to hear your case, which I heard even worst in other counties. 

If you got this far, you may be asking why didn’t she call the police, when her ex attacked her. Well for one when I was my family home and confronted my brother who was either high as a kite and punk me with thug crap, my son called the police, and they did nothing. To the point that when he called, he tried to grab them off me and the police came because the call got cut off.  I slept with a knife under my pillow that night and my Mother disconnected the phone in the house, so my ex could not call back after I had phoned, for him to see whether he could come and get us. 

12-20-21 Growing up with Alcoholic and Co-dependent

What is expressed here is my opinion, views, and expression of events. I am not a doctor or psychiatrist and don’t have a degree that makes me an authority. My views are an attempt to heal myself and my experiences. Since I have repeatedly received from my guides to express my story and thought about it for a very long time not wanting to pass blame, judgment, or negate what has happened. 

This is a very hard thing to do considering there is a spiritual component to all of it. 

As a child, too young to understand what I was experiencing I would observe my father for a better lack of words what seem to be verbally attacking my mother, and not understanding why my mother would continue to endure this behavior, did not make sense to me. Was he was attacking my mother, and her not abating (stopping) him, or was he expressing himself and it appeared as something other than it was! 

Since I have been sensitive my entire life and what I deemed an empathic/empath, or intuitive and I have the ability to feel, on a much deeper level and feel the intent behind the words this makes for a lot of challenges and opportunities to see things differently. Living was survival at most. They say we attract what we most need to heal. I firmly believe that is true. 

My life was extremes from freedom with no real guidance or structure, to being a child heavily controlled to walking on eggshells. To constriction of don’t breathe, move or being seen. You learn very quickly how to navigate and avoid being a moving target for outbursts of verbal attacks to threats of violence. It did matter what you did or didn’t do. 

Even when you were happy or joyful that was somehow sucked out of you or found to be disturbing. Our family belonging was not family-centered they were mine and not for you to touch. I remember one time my brother and I played a tape of Halloween songs and were reprimanded for playing with the stereo. It seems the only acceptable activity was when we are watching the TV and not moving around. 

I have had done my research into the matter trying to understand what caused my father or mother to be who they were and their responses to how I was raised. If we attract what we need in the form of the law of attraction, then my parent’s thoughts, beliefs, emotions were determined by their own life situations, history, and society too. 

What psychology calls the Generational transference of trauma. Since most of us were or are raised that when you grow up, your adult at 18 and you either went to some type of school, trade, or college, to meet someone and move on to marriage, home and children and retire; then pass away with little to no variants in the middle. This belief system continues to this day with small changes, with current changes with technology, and how things are done today with the C19 virus looming like a dark cloud.

While any opinion or thoughts is open game for hunting season to destroy any freedom of speech that is left on the planet, if not cohorst by social media or seen a credit-worthily unless back by some type of degree or doctoral. While failing to connect the dots of the interconnectedness. Seems like my childhood all over again, do as I say and speak nonetheless of any other thoughts, my house my rules, motto, which seems to play right into the media and social constraints playing out now. 

My point of this is everything that I experience is a direct reflection of my parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents and back as far as I have no idea when. In the native American tribes, they say that these beliefs and behaviors stem into seven generations unless one really looks where the core belief comes from. 

The title of my article is Alcoholic and Co-dependent if drinking is seen as a rite of passage in some cultures because not all cultures believe this to be true, and we have a whole history on the banning and bootlegging of Alcohol, and how does it apply to me/you. Don’t get me wrong I have my share of late nights, bars, and situations that could have been done differently. I think this is a personal choice, but the one thing that I had control over with regards to my children is that they have a choice.

Since I found myself in relationships that were emotionally unhealthy, the possibility of an allergy to alcohol being that it a generational pattern that needed to be changed. I tend to think that it is a soul lesson to break a patterning that crossed over many generations. I have also watched it destroy people, with their lives with close relations or people that I have known.

I for one was told that My great-grandfather was an alcoholic to then leave my grandfather and his brother at an orphanage because my great-grandmother passed away. I have never told been why or even discussed beyond my own inquiry with my father in a sober state. As for my other side of the Family, there seems to have also been a drinking problem, which seemed to be a current way to face our emotions and feelings of things that happen to us or from situations that we create. As for the social aspect, that we learned to not face what we are feeling or choose not to. Which I will be writing about next or in the future. 

Most have experienced a relative or friend, that cannot hold their liquor to become something other than a completely different person. (Which is a Shadow in what is called shadow work, because it is an unknown aspect of oneself.) I can hear the questions now. How is it unknown when they know that they drinking? Well, the person is aware that they are drinking or doing drugs, but not aware of their actions to a certain point. 

Most people will say I drink to relax or feel less stress, it is a social thing, etc. But if were who you are without any masks or comfortable as yourself there is no need to drink to express yourself. The only judge in the room is you and people who project their own insecure discomfort out at you, or they are not really themselves.  This is not about the causal drink statement. This is an inquiry of whether it is a soul lesson or generational pattern requiring inquiry to be changed and be broken.  

Most people don’t realize that it is a shadow that they are hiding from themselves. Bad or good – it suppressed because in unconscious they would not act that way, if sober.  It is an unintegrated aspect of themselves or an underlying problem.  

Whether this is drugs or alcohol, they both can be appliable here. A study into alcohol, tobacco, or any habitual drugs has their roots as far back in time as humans on the planet, but these habit-forming substances were once seen as medicine and not as a pleasure activity. 

What I have observed in both myself and my childhood is that the other personality that comes out under these substances is a Suppressed part of ourselves. These fragments were denied somewhere in our childhood of expression of themselves. Whether we denied them or were seemed as denied by our caretakers. Since their no standard of a family unit, if society tells you that there is or culturally, I believe is inaccurate. What is and seemed to be the truth is historically a picture that has been like a painting on canvas. The idyllic representation of some picturesque ideal or ideology of what is standard or “normal”. One walk across any town and that is not true. 

All over the world, there have been wars and battles, indifferences between people going back before the time of Jesus to Mesopotamia and Sumerian times. Along with any other history that was/is not taught about. So why the suppression of speaking our truth about feelings and emotions. Well, if we use History as a guide for centuries either expression of thoughts or opinions were hindered by the rulers, church, or power to rule over other people. Since ancient tablets and papyrus paper show only remnants of those times, we are left to interpret them. 

Is it possible that there was the entire existence of both sexes that have been the suppression of thoughts and beliefs for fear of death or violence because historical seemed to be a reflection of our current affairs of the world! I am not a historian and claim no rights to any depth research in that area, but it does seem that the only people in the past who were allowed to speak or have a voice, were people in power, church, or some type of attainment of power. 

So here we are today, all the strides to make equally and we are still divided in some form. One has to wonder how many prophets, deities, entities we need to get the message. I am not into one world ruler or structure of hierarchy that why the Declaration of Independence was created but seemed to be forgotten by the government and legal system to apply notably in history today, too. 

So, if I have lost you yet, how does this all apply? If the human soul has been suppressed for centuries by the hands of anyone – as in government, rulers, churches, people of means, or nobility. How does that apply to my title? Well, as a person who wanted to understand what had happened to me in my childhood and heal these emotions of the experiences that I have encountered by the people involved in my life. I had to question the root cause of these patterns of behavior. 

I have inquired whether feeling and emotions are two different aspects, to whether one is a response to and the other is a cause too. As the child who was sensitive to my father’s and mother’s emotions, with regards to feeling them, is it possible, that the emotions that they were expressing as feelings or from trauma-related events from their past and history are direct resolve of some patterning beyond ancestry or linked to some recessive gene! 

The study of epigenetics studies the Genes of behavior and environment that can cause changes that affect the way your genes work. While the Mental health field is treating people from the perspective that it is in the mind and not the whole body, and not from the fact that all is related to physical, emotional, societal, and environmental, whether it is the physical earth, water, food, or nature have no direct impact on a being, a soul, spirit, and technology, have no direct effect on a person. 

This directionality of the Dynamic theory (Guides just give me) is both Scientific and psychology while attempting to explain this concept of all these factors on the genes of the DNA of my experience with my parents. Not having parents able to access their own emotions and feelings from transfers of all the factors around them in their parents, grandparents to the entire lineage of ancestry. Birth family backward or native American of seven generations forward. 

I would or could continue the patterning forward had I not been forced to address the key events that were making up my life, as in relationships, beliefs, behaviors, actions, my own thoughts, and conditioning. To then repeat them in my own life and children to future generations without coming to some level of awareness had I had not stopped to question what and why this continuing to happen in my life, along with my own choices.

Which meant that there were underline thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that I was subconsciously repeating. Even with knowing my childhood history I was still repeating habits without realizing that were unhealed aspects of myself and showing up just in different forms or people, and events. 

For lack of better words, I was dating my father and acting like my mother because this was my childhood and because of a lack of my own personal boundaries in childhood as in emotional neglect, physical and verbal abuse, constant belittlement or undermine physical threats of violence to punishment and way too many more to descriptive words, to explain a concept. So, I needed to clean house and face traumas that I walked away from to relearn and really think about what I wanted in my life, versus being a pattern of it. 

All this transpire when my psychic abilities came back online and I had to look, dig for answers in my memory and do the inner child work to clear the things that happen to me and see the truth even if it was only my view of what happened to me. This brought back memories that I had seen and known things as a child and doing this type of work you soon encounter things unimaginable, and then it soon acts as a mirror back to me and triggers emotions that were unhealed or unknown. 

I have repeatedly encountered the same scenario while working with people that I finally had to face the very raw and pain that I had experienced and similar situations with different players. Spirituality speaking you will encounter the same situation until you heal it or are no longer triggered by it. This is looking for the patterns of behaviors and is an undertaking in itself.  

I would have to say that I have had to disseminate years of information, all the while my psychic gifts kicked on higher gear, a life in pieces, an infant and then a child in school, and my life that I build dissolving around me. All the while thinking I left the past behind me and what happen to me and in it. The saying is it is not the skeleton in the closet, it is the ghost that haunts, or maybe it is the other way around, either way, they both need to be looked at. 

The universe had other plans for me. I would like to say that I had support around me, but that is far from the truth. I had people come in and out, disappear altogether, reface trauma again while witnessing it play out with family that I was involved with. To finally walk away from everyone that I had contact with, to then separate and figure out what was real and not real.

I had to look at my relationships with my parents, and extended family, to see how the underlining themes were playing out in my own lives to heal myself and understand what happens to me without losing my sanity and standing strong for my children and myself. All the while of not wanting to spend 30 years in therapy to be given drugs for Alcoholic dependency when I had one drink in 10 years or be constantly referred to medication instead of teaching me how to work with these emotions and feelings without the need for drugs.  

As I am realizing while I am writing this that I am pulling in a large amount of information from my psyche, including the guides. This may seem choppy or disjointed and I am trying my best to have it sound coherent, make some sense, I think that I am not always making sense. Even when I know that the energy around the words is what is important as the guides tell me and speak is not the same language that we use and more about the energy behind and beyond the words. 

Ok, so as I am currently aware that there is no perfect relationship that is equal in both sexes on the planet at this moment. One: 

being the female has been suppressed up until this day and the male of course has equally been suppressed emotionally (it’s not manly) as in history and society. Neither has balanced power over their emotions as seen in the Yin and Yang.

I have observed innately two powers playing out in most relationships whether globally or personally – Victim, martyr, or control and abuser. Communication and seeing that both males and females are needed, these unhealed aspects seem to be the cause of many of these problems. Power and dominance are a view of the same pattern. Responsibility and Blaming the same pattern. As a soul, we are both aspects of Yin and Yang in the same body which requires balance.

If you have two souls who are out of balance in a relationship in their emotions and feelings (jokingly: you have divorce) or disharmony, dis’ease in the relationship or in the body as illness, etc. When the entire planet is out of alignment 7.8 Billion people individually and or the relationship with each other, there are rebalancing forces at play. The guides have repeatedly said that there is a release and reason for what happening and that it serves a purpose. (me)Can they say more, (guides) yes! That could hinder the awakening process that is now happening for many to question, what is really happening and going on! 

One of the terms that the guides say is that you’re the creator and nothing happens to you and but through you.  One: were you taught that as a person/being that you are taught that everything is outside of you and the answers, as well. When the truth is you are your own keys to the questions that you would ask. As a child, you had to depend on your parents for all your needs, and as a child, teenagers most could not wait to get out from under their parent’s grips, but because your education systems do not allow the expansion of your consciousness to the fact that this is not your first ride on planet earth, much less in the body, in fact.

Any study of past lives and reincarnation, hypnosis are avenues that have confirmed others' lives whether on this planet or elsewhere. This is not your first walk in the park as We would say, (guides). There are even marking on your bodies in birthmarks that are a remembrance of a previous life and trauma that are interrelated to the working and rebalancing karma with others and learning that this is a play unknown to your being with or without acknowledgment. 

Even your bible speaks of the appearance of the beloved Jesus after his death, which is one of the many light bodies that surround you as in energetic fields, but as to why it is perpetuated that death is the ending in life is a distortion, of the truth. But what is not distortion is that your infinite being of the source of all there is, and death is a transition from one life to another for the sole purpose of a soul experience of being a human in bodysuit which is a unique instrument in itself that Science has yet to fully realize and treats it as more of a haphazard piece of machinery.  When it is intelligence. In its own right. 

You by all discourse, are more than the sum of your parts. What does that mean? There is a balance that is needed much like Yin and Yang, you would not run your cars without any gas. Yet your body requires balance in everything that you do. One: is that of the mind and focus intent. Since this knowledge is lost to the mainstream society, which has directed you to an outward reflection and not an inward, much like India's traditions and or native American, or many of ancient civilization’s that has been lost or exist as in Mayan people, Peruvian, Tibetan, aboriginal on various continents to use as a reference or starting point. 

Since people have become been heavily relied on the technology of outer vs. inner when the entire universe is sitting within yourself and the ability to tap in at a moment notice to download information should she/he chose, is with your capacity. (guides) Even as you type on this computer your own ability will always far succeed the tools that you use at any giving time.

The universe is infinite and so are you. If one can see the advancement that the populations have made in just the last 200 years to what it is really capable of. These tools are an expression of your ability to create. They are not your soul potential but a mere fraction. Used correctly and the use is infinite or complete destruction, much like other ancient civilizations, and planetariun systems. We commend you, for taking the time to write and dictate this information. 

We are far from finished but seeing that is tiring to the body we will commence again tomorrow.