I am reminded by just the date that 9 years ago that my world was forever changed. Today 9 years ago I went to court on a contempt order for leaving the county will my son. I left for myself and to protect children from a man and my family that did want to help us or had the best intention for us. We are raised with the belief system that Family is Family, that blood is family ties. In fact, I left with both my children as the court decided their fate for the rest of their lives.
I left because I was verbally threatened by a man for over 11 months that he would take my son from me. To repeatedly, verbally abuse my other son by telling him to his face that he was not blood and some kind of problem because he would criticize him without any real cause of action for it. My contempt order hearing very quickly turns into having the custody of my son taken from based on the fact that I am living in a Women's shelter for Domestic violence because this man physically attacked me in front of my children because of an unknown reason. I could speculate on what caused him to attack me which denies to this day.
This man who had taken us in only 11 months earlier from me calling on New year’s eve from but a Domestic Violence situation my family home that I resided in with was being punk out by my crack head brother who thought I was one of his street thugs, as my then son called the police because all the adults in the house then assaulted me for setting boundaries and I had had it my brother's drug dealing, drug abuse and quite frankly having to answer to the neighbors, the probation officer and anyone else that I have to explain away why mother failed to take responsibility or set rules and boundaries in her own home.
This of course hidden from me or my awareness because for years this had been going and even though there was discuss there was no action taken to correct the situation. I had no thought or idea that magnitude that this was going on years before. I don’t know why I did see it before or connect the dots to see that this was going on my whole life and now was bleeding into my own life.
Even as a small child I knew that I was living from and in dysfunction, it was apparently in everything that we did. I even knew that I never wanted to live that way. As strange as it was I conscious and unconscious to the level of abuse, physical neglect, and control that was running my life. All of which are conscious patterns running our life.
Only years before had I ended a relationship with this same man that would alter my life and children. I would like to say Jekyll and Hyde would be the words to describe what happen overnight after the birth of my son, but it is more like the charmer and beast. My son was not even 12 hours old when it reared its head. I brushed it off as a new father and wanting to protect but showed up as controlling and dominant.
My other son had become a problem, my parent skills were not fit for him, and no matter what I did or did not do, whether it was taking care of our son, which was really his son. Working, cleaning, trying to run a household, money, and bills – it was all on me. When I asked him for help it outright dismissed it or why can't you do it all – since your home more than me.
So, after a few months and a discussion that we should speak to a therapist I ended the relationship. My idyllic life of the home, white picket fence, and family dog went to shit. It was one event after another before my son's birth and after. The after of this relationship is looking more like a train wreck waiting to happen. I made the decision to not have any more children, which the ex-apparently had problems with, and rightfully so because I did not have a discussion with him. My body and because he already trying to control every part of my life. From holding my son, not enough holding my son, to carrier, walker, the swing – feeding him, and so much more.
So, I ended the relationship, sold my house after trying to keep it together, and function with two children, one under the age of seven and an infant to then-toddler. Had I had someone say Donna buckle down and cut down or out things that you don’t need or alternative ways maybe. But my expenses were over my head and childcare null. My family would agree and then I would show up and they would seem annoyed at best or think that any kind of structure that I had in place, would be thrown out the window.
Even as I made a weekly trip with therapy for my son, even the therapist never made references or give suggestions or assistance. When it came to spirituality, she would give me an idea regarding books. Why spiritual was more important than my life falling apart, or making some changes or adjustments to my life, to maybe assistance. Nope did not happen.
After selling my home, moving 4 times and no help supportively, and basically floundering around for close to two years. I moved back to my family home in hopes of putting my life back together. What a mistake that was – These events that I had encountered were not some random event, but a cause of the many problems that I was encountering. I thought that they had roots in anything, but they did and were subconscious. Then events were my childhood and my upbringing just about everything that I was encounter stemmed from my childhood trauma. Even as I was aware of the dysfunction I was now replaying in my own life.
Spirituality, I was having things happen to me as I slept and had no idea what to do with the information, or as to why I am seeing things, and how to control what was happening to me. I was walking in between two worlds and either of them was making any sense to what was happening to me. Not once did I ever connect my life to my childhood or spirituality to anything because even with the books that I had encountered did it say that you need to protect yourself or white light, ground, meditation, etc.
To this day I struggle to remember to do these things and it has slowed down, but still has no rhyme or reason to when it is happening or whom if anything it is for. I move back to my family home, all the dysfunction of my childhood, psychic gift, and my life in pieces are what I am working with and all the while trying to get back on my feet to live my life and protect my children.
My life becomes not only protecting my children and now myself and still not connecting the dots to the causes of the many things that are happening to me and what happening in the external part of my life. They say that what is happening on the external is an indication of the internal. Well, then I am walking mess moving back and forth between so many things, and thoughts and dysfunctional I am spinning putting band-aide where I could.
Where one should feel safe is now a brewing storm of chaos around me, and I am in the middle of a storm and my children who should be safe and protected and living a happy life being a child are limited by the insanity of the people around me. They say you are a mirror to and from the people around you. Well, mine looks like this, I have a mentally unstable Uncle who is over-drugged and a mother who by all accounts is trying to help and save people who don’t really want to be helped, I have a crack addict brother dealing drugs to avoid what who knows at this point.
I have sheriff’s department walking into my family home and I am lining the children up on the sofa, after they walk into the house with authorization to pick up my brother’s numerous warrants, another family member is sitting there saying I don’t want any parts of this and don’t get me involved. I have a family member who is involved with a heroin addict and has two cases of protective services against already and leaves the children for hours by themselves and mother has turned a blind eye to what is happening within her home: along with this being normally by no rational person observing or witnessing this.
The things this has been going on for a long time. Not realizing that this directly related to my childhood and how I was raised. Same story different players or people depending on how you look at it. They say you marry your parents in your relationships. Well, that can’t truer. My assault on myself and my son calling the police 10 years ago left me fleeing for my safety and theirs. I called my Ex because I had no one to turn to, at this point.
My ex took us in and within three days started in what more psychologic head games. He told me I could not use his car, phone and stopped that child support that he was paying to, now figure out how the kids were going to finish out the school year because were 4 miles walking in one direction to, how is the school could contact me, no money to even wash clothes to his strange eating of eating the same meal 7 days a week to sleeping when he slept, and not being able to watch TV or soon how he managed to revoke child support with courts contacting me. To then get assistance using our information and taking control of that – to me finally saying that these children cannot eat the same food over, over again.
I found myself in constant shock of what my family had done and disbelief and what I now encountering. I went from complete chaos to this, which I have no words for it even to this day. All the while my family or the Ex thought this is normal. As I tried to understand what the hell was happening and why was I finding myself in these situations, events and figuring a way out of it. With nowhere to turn yet talk to someone about what was happening to me and how to save my children and myself from these people.
By all accounts, this is a lot more involved but I trying to structure it in a way that shows patterns and subconscious beliefs, behaviors, and actions at play. Even with knowing my story about my life and not wanting to replay, relive them, they are still at work in my life to this day. And since most of this is written from memory, I do have books that I journal in to notate whether they are spiritual or my personal life this is a broader overview of events.
Save my children and me – is a theme right out of my childhood. Not ever feeling safe to be who I met to be. What is that? Is something that I am redirecting every day.
My day in court for contempt was less than 2 hrs. about the same time it took to cross two counties by bus, train, and walk to the courthouse. Unknowingly, I was not there for contempt, but a Judge single handily decided that custody of my son was his outcome. Even will laws in place to stop these types of actions and 40 lbs. of documents showing that I was the primary caregiver and signed PFA protection of abuse order signed in another county by another judge to the fact that this man had openly admitted to actions that cause this event.
I have no words for the sheer shock when the Judge turn and took my custody away that day. The bailiff or officer of court removed me from the courtroom since I was the only one left there, I just couldn’t fathom what had just happened. I had no attorney – why would I this was a contempt hearing, not a custody hearing.
I somehow made it to the street, where I collapsed in disbelief, what the hell just happened. After a few minutes, I pulled myself together to walk to the train station. I somehow managed to get myself without injury to train and on it. It is a complete blur. When the conductor came for my ticket one look at me said are you alright and I told him that told I just had custody of my son taken and he said where do need to get off. I told him and this conductor left me to be but made sure that I got off the train when I need to.
When I say that tears flowed, they did not stop that night or the next day to point that my other sons had an appointment with another therapist because it was suggested that before the court that we both get help with the children regarding what happened. Seemly stupid people have no idea even with medical degrees in counseling. I have been ordered to turn my son over the upcoming weekend. I would have fled if I had somewhere to go, but I didn’t.
Because I have already had years navigating the courts prior to this and this is now a custody issue, somehow, I got in my head that I will fight this and file an appeal. What I did know at the time was this was considered a Poor man Appeal by the next presiding judge but would allow me to then get counsel.
Long story short, I did get an attorney. Eighteen months fighting several laws that were broken by contempt hearing and not custody hearing, to appeal and get a different judge who by all accounts brought my other son's case into this one without any need or use, to use a reference point with that Ex multiple charges against for support payments and criminal to say that my son care was better in the hands of man – signed a paper that he, in fact, assaulted me.
He denied verbal threaten to take my son, assault my other son- which again was a signed document with another court system. To still lose custody after the 18 months, to insult my attorney because she lived in a different county, and for the judge to use intimidation tactics stating this my courtroom. I am not exactly sure how the following came about but my attorney spoke with a colleague and now I had two attorneys. What I have not said is that my attorney actually taught laws classes to upcoming lawyers regarding domestic violence cases.
We file an Appeal with the Superior Courts of Philadelphia, well which was a complete waste of time. With less than 30 mins my 800-page appeal was told to return to the lower courts to challenge what had already been put in motion. I did not get my son back and it has been an influx of emotion ever since.
So not draw this out over what seems like a lifetime ago, which is still very present in my life now. It has been 9 years of trying to understand what happened spirituality, and what happened to the life that I once had. I don’t suggest that you read up on other cases because I have done that. It is a nightmare of stories, from orphan trains to whole histories of children being separated from families all over this entire planet and on every continent. Culturally there is no demographic and encountered other women over the ten years whether they give up their child for adoption or by court order because not have basic resources and support.
It seems to be a money game, and a much sinister act of crimes against women, humanity, and the parent-child relationship. I see as this there are two base emotions love and fear and everything stems from it. Love is the highest and fear is a base primal instinct. If you create enough fear people will conform to about anything with a question.
Fear of Survival is instinctual because we are naturally inclined to fight and flight to survive – we did not come to survive; we came here to thrive. In basic terms because I remember knowing things a child and because of trauma turned inward to protect myself from my parents and told not to speak about it, like something taboo and constantly told that your wrong, don’t know what you’re saying, doing, or you cannot know anything with teaching it to degree your natural intuition which all species have on the planet. Fact check this for yourself.
What I experience as a child is in direct correlation to my experienced in every area of my life. Every relationship, money issues or not, behaviors, patterns, beliefs, and actions. I had a theory that it was fear that caused other people to forget their psychic abilities. Then I thought it was because as a child and completely open that we shut down because it is too overwhelming, and we turn away through many programs to just fit into the family unit, school, society, and friends. And having aware parents to direct and guide us properly creates the separation.
To which we have religions, people in power, medical, psychology, and science all telling us that we are all wrong and more or less complete idiots and came from monkeys to wo/man, which of course is not what other fields of study point too. I don’t know enough information to argue for or against. But when I experience things that I was never taught then have to make sense by asking questions about reality and that things exist that otherwise are considered woo-hoo this course can explain a lot of things and why we know or sense things, but we talk ourselves out it because we taught to not listen to our inner voice – are heart.
One thing that I tell is that crazy or not when I get guided information, it sounds like I am talking before hearing it or writing it down I know that it is not me, it also feels different. This is only achieved by meditation and quieting the mind to receive the information, images, sounds, smells, and light language or healing energy that the body is very capable of doing or giving.
Mind chatter – looping of thoughts, circular thinking normally comes from one side of the brain, I could be corrected – in that I am basing this on my experience not everyone else. The chatter is normally left side if watch it in meditation. I get information in both ears, but mostly the right ear. I also know that we talk whether it is in my own thoughts or trying to process something it is in the throat area, not my head. When I actually speak it is not from the mind but the use of the throat. If the mind is a supercomputer then its job is to store, process, and work the entire body-mind, body, soul. The heart and brain are the two organs that the body cannot work without in the human body suit unless your zombie doctors doing DNA or cells – which are out there is. The heart which is spelled differently is earth and we're told for the most part we are made of earth carbon-based, atoms, molecules, etc.
So, if I feel pain is through the head or heart! If I feel love is in the head or heart because if I eat something I never had and eaten with the throat is it the mind, heart, or throat choosing whether I like it or not. I see people using Darwin’s theory – which I am not in the belief. Because as humorous as it is God spelled backward is Dog, So I evolved from a dog.
Where did snakes, elephants, plants, planets, and fish come from! I think that we're have been seeded from other planets for millions of years and that information has been denied to us for “Fear” that if we really were told this information we would question everything and all possibilities. Why do people have all these different types of experiences but were the crazy ones! When people speak out like Snowden’s, Military – all branches – black ops or special forces or normal person – it is labeled a mental condition. One that you should be hung for, medicated, or destroyed for even thinking and expressing it.
I am tired of living in fear of what could happen or not happen- from food shortages, car chips, phone clips, and anything else the social media wants to throw at us. Wars, nuclear threats, illness, bio-warfare. Elites, corporations, Gmo’s, geoengineering, and natural disasters or man-made. I have lived from fear conscious and subconscious my whole life and I will die someday, and it has almost happened several times over and when they took my son from me and the other ex-tried to do the same things too. As a parent, I know that I am a guardian to them and that they are children of and that God I was given them to protect and guide them so they can become the people they are met too. God is the authority of all judgments and actions. It is us humans that screw up the world and not all of us, because most of the actions are done with knowledge or not with the consent of all.
I have had a discussion once where a man and he was going on, on about women being ill rational, emotional to sensitive and whatever else they used to explain a very dumb point, and I don’t remember what their point was – but I simply said you as a man would have blown up the world several times over because you do not think about everything else. This is not to negate all men – or women believe people are not important or other species on the planet. This is not to state that you have an opinion and worthily as it is, is narrow in perspective. And this can be in perspective by the bees- no bees no food. No rain or water – no human, no food, no trees… I think I made my point.
I think I will end my story here for now.
I also want to note that Legal Aid in the state of Pennsylvania is for all purposes connected, meaning that if you reside in one county and ex-partners lives in another county you cannot use their services, if they have already inquired and inquires counts as services because I live in a Southeastern division this includes five countries. So, the options are nil other than to go to the city of Philadelphia outside of the Southeastern division to petition for maybe a judge to hear your case, which I heard even worst in other counties.
If you got this far, you may be asking why didn’t she call the police, when her ex attacked her. Well for one when I was my family home and confronted my brother who was either high as a kite and punk me with thug crap, my son called the police, and they did nothing. To the point that when he called, he tried to grab them off me and the police came because the call got cut off. I slept with a knife under my pillow that night and my Mother disconnected the phone in the house, so my ex could not call back after I had phoned, for him to see whether he could come and get us.
