My Battle Scars and Spirituality 8-27-16

My Battle Scars and Spirituality 8-27-16

The Voice Within came about when I had to take a look at my life. It was like opening Pandora box. What I found has deeply affected my life and continues to this day. See I can remember saying to myself when I very small that it was not supposed to be this way. I often wonder why my parents were angry and fighting about things that I had no true understanding about. It seemed that there were always problems and that my father was always in a rage. I remember thinking that if I was my mother I would not put up with it and leave my father.

Understandably, I understand my mother choices for she had three small children and two more, later on. Mostly she made the choice out of fear. Fear has a way making you think that you have no choices when you do. Living with my father was like walking on eggs shells, you never knew what was coming at you. He was fine one minute and angrier the next. Her fear kept her from protecting us and protecting herself. What she didn’t say was felt until I realized that I had to live up to expectations that no child should have to live up. You try and be the perfect daughter or caretaker to keep the harmony and to feel safe in a home that completely out of balance. Now I don’t if was all this way because I had my own trauma at age 5 for being flashed on the way to school which took me 30 plus years to re-dress and understand that it was not my fault. And that person involved in this situation, may have encounter similar situation. I don’t agree with what happen but have found forgiveness to bring myself peace.

          I did a lot thing to keep myself safe. I kept quiet and did things to keep myself safe in the face of a lot, of having  no voice within my own home, or feeling safe to be heard in my home that you were seen, not heard and sometimes not even seen as a person. My mother lack of voice to speak up has created multiple problems in own relationships, because she never felt heard or listen, help create a passive quality in me to not be heard or even have a voice when I need to really needed to see what was happen to me and in my own life. I was unconscious to the fact that I was recreating my childhood in my adult life. I wanted one thing or another, from the relationship that I was not getting it but a lot crap instead. 

I could not see the flags because I was raised to denied that they existed. It was until 2004 that I decide to look at why I getting myself into these toxic relationships. And it started with one book on Co-depend relationship and then children of alcoholic, all the while I would have these dreams of events or see things that I could not even explain to myself. I would have these dreams like I was in them and see the smallest detail and watch it play out like a movie or a vision in plain daylight. I then realized that I had a connection to them. I knew the people in them or they would be stand-ins for people I did not know. I either had a direct connection to or knew them because I lived near them. The hardest part is how to do you tell someone that you witness them in an accident or that you were in their house during dream time and can draw or even give an account of details that I could not possibly know.

 I now know these were the trigger for me to remember. I started with books like Sylvia Brown and just kept moving onto the next one. At which point I realized that this is what I had been experiencing my whole life and just figured everyone had the same visions and experiences that I did. And did not talk about it because it made people  uncomfortable because that is what I was taught. Along this journey in the known or unknown my life was falling apart in a way that I could not even think of. And people perceived it a witchcraft or devil work, and religion has a huge say in it. Or how dare I ask about the spirit standing on the side of the road or at the side of my bed at age 3-4. Or the car that is sinking in the Neshaminy creek that no one else saw. 

Even now 40 plus later people still have this sense of woo-woo around people who have these natural gifts and by all means, it can be a curse and a blessing. It bad enough that we treat each other with absolute disgrace because we can’t see ourselves alike or be kind to a person who may be different than us. It’s easier to objectify another for differences than find things in common.  It been twelve years since I first open that book and it has not stopped or gone away and I continue to learn things every day. I do know that everyone is gifted in some way or another, but it takes work and honest look into your past for crumbles that your soul left for you. It is not for the faint of heart, because if you want to know the truth, you need to be open to the possibility of life not being what you think it is or that you help to create your journey. And sometimes things that happen to you, that make no sense, may help you to connect the dots later on down the road. Just like I left crumb or memories for me to remember 30 years later.

I would go into more detail about what I experienced more, but at the moment I trying to detach from someone who was part of these 12 years of experiences and either hell bend on destroying me or keep pushing me to speak up for myself for the first time. I have since walked away from most of my friends and family because I didn’t want to blame anymore, or be their scapegoat or told that I killed someone because they can deal with their own life, that they created. Or deal with grief from death that someone chose to take drugs or alcohol, or commit suicide instead of taking responsibility for their selves. We're taught to blame things on people, events and our story about our life experiences, but we are the creator of life and our story. It’s up to decide how it ends. ©