10-01-21 I thought I was doing it all the right reason.

 

When I started this journey 17 years ago, I thought I was doing for all right reason, psychic abilities, and mediumship to channeling guidance. I never thought that I would be healing myself along the way and hearing other people’s horrific stories along the way. I wanted to understand what was happening to me and why since I was a small child that I knew and saw and felt things that others did not. I sit here today questioning all of this and trying to wrap my head around what I know and what to do with it. I would speak about it, yet I am better at writing about. I have questioned why I struggle to talk about it many times over I think we don’t discuss it unless we had an experience or just play it off because were afraid of look strange, crazy or a freak.

To the point that I have no fight left to do it. When I think about the people I know or known that have since passed or living and that things that have been done to them by other humans. The pain that they have caused and things that have been done to them by other people it is absolutely amazing that they are alive. I continually see this same behavior and belief systems playing out with people almost everywhere that I go.

I fight myself to do this work because my heart is just breaking inside at things that people have told me and their secrets that they have told me and about their lives, that most people have no idea the level of domestic or sexual violence, control or predatorial against women, men and children. I feel obligated to write their stories and question myself as why I feel this need. I am playing on my own wounds from my childhood that I feel neglect and devoid of the loving that I constantly had to beg for affection or acknowledgement that I existed.

The fact that I was verbally abused and threated by physically harm for most of my life. That I had a mother so afraid to leave my father that she allows me (I can’t speak for sibling) that I was left to play the game of being the good girl to do everything that he said to protect myself and my sibling so that he would not attacked them until I could no longer take it or any adult by the time that I teenager. While my mother stood behind him or us to protect only herself. I don’t know if the marriage vows or the fact was that she was afraid and disempowered to speak up for herself.

My father was the ruler and I suspect that this same behavior came from both their upbringing of the generations of women being second to their husbands. They say we attract what we most need to heal. I am tired of clearing family dysfunctions that I have survived and the things that I have experienced by the hands and words of others. There is nothing left of me to give. I have tried repeatedly to put my life back in order, after the spiritual reawakening all those years ago. I feel like I failed myself because I just didn’t know or understand what happened to me or spirituality why I was walking in two world. I have crying to god for answers, ask him to heal me or take me because the pain was so deep. I don’t believe it all from one lifetime, yet I feel like I walk through several lives and lived completely lifetimes in just few short years, so much that I can’t even remember all of it and its probably a good thing.

I went from owning my own home to being homeless and then into housing all to save myself and my children from people, including my family and an ex. That he felt it was his right to verbally assault me after I came to him for help. He exploited me and my pain for his personal gain of custody of my son. In all rights, I was the caretaker of my son, and he used the courts, which only exploited my children, their safety and myself. Hiding behind my ability to pay or housing. I been paying for the sins of my parents and generations before. Some call it a soul contract that I agreed to come into a highly dysfunctional family to clear karma or whatever. I asked repeatedly why I would encounter so much pain and suffering throughout my life. Relearning what it means to stand up for oneself.

I have done everything that one can possibly do to free themselves from the sick, toxic and distorted people. I don’t remember signing up to be a walking door mat, yet that is what I learned. Be good little girl and do as your told. I never understood that concept and the Sagittarius in me is like hell no. This concept of be kind and nice to everyone is great thought, if people actually did it. When walking home from school and being jumped for no reason or you leave a five-year-old child to walk to school who encounters a pedophile without telling them to not speak to strangers and a neighbor who would save my life but the freak in the car would tell me if I said anything that he kill me and my family.  

This was not the first time or the last. In 2017 I went under hypnosis because I realized that I pattern of leaving job and relationships after or around two and half years. Under hypnosis I watched as my father at 2.5 years old blasted me for not standing still for a picture. It was done with so much anger that it was like someone screamed at my entire being and it went through me. It seems that my entire life is filled with these events. I even tried to learn hypnosis when the teacher discredits the fact that I could say and know things and that the person’s face spoke words when I said things that I could not have known without hypnosis. I quit training after that because here was just another person telling me that I did not know what I was talking about. If I am so wrong, why are people trying so hard to convince me they know more than I know about own perceptions. My own mother has been saying it to me my whole life. People are always saying I don’t know what I am saying, yet I have proven again and again.

I think that I have this abilities because I had so many traumas before the age of seven that the only way to protect myself was to go within. That in order to feel safe I kept things to myself because the outer world would constantly tell me I wrong, as person, a female, mother or even as woman. And only a man can have any thoughts or opinions. Now along with these abilities that were all have that humans are born with because not all are who they seem which is a whole of story in itself. I see it like this, if you been mind programmed for long enough you forget what is real. Literally from the time that you’re a child your programmed to listen to everyone accept yourself. Your told that you don’t know anything, and children can’t or don’t know anything unless they go to school or higher education.  

Well, you’re not going to know anything when your told you don’t know anything, yet there are children and adults who do amazing things because they were given the opportunity to explore who they were as child and adult. I didn’t have those parents. Much like the rest of world I have no idea what I capable of because I been fighting to be seen, heard or live my life. I lost track of assaults and being jumped or violated by people words, actions, and physical attacks.

I thought I could help people and ended up healing myself process, I don’t know that I will ever to able to heal myself completely, because I have a lot of unanswered questions. As why people did what they did. Some days I am good and other days I am on the floor. I write about it because it is the only outlet that I have to find resolution to things in my life. When my spiritual gifts came back online for me to remember it and added a whole different level to my life, and basically, I was stripped of everything that I had or knew up to that point.

As a result of waking up I put my faith in blind faith as I call it, that everything that I experience and had experience would lead me in direction that would be my destiny or life path that I choose for this lifetime. Due to money constrains and a mother of two small children I ran to the books because the internet was in it early stages of development. I have studied a lot of things and master of none it. I still find information that I spend years looking for and I tried to write my life story more times that I have fingers on my hands at this point. I ask God or my guides to send me people to help me and have yelled at the guides and God for the same reason, out of frustration and why the vision that I had for my life is so far removed that I can’t even imagine it happening at this point.

I am constantly in battle with myself because I either speak my truth or play happy fluffy bunny spirituality from teacher’s that have no idea of the crap that people have walk through. I never in my wildest dreams (as metaphor) thought that I would walk the road I have and people that I have met along the way. I have hope that one day that I met someone that could handle the level of encounters that I have experienced or the stories that have been told to me. I have given up on that idea too.

My studying has crossed so many areas that I lost track of them too. I recently donated 126 books because I guided too. And look back asking why because they been like the bible to me, trying to understand my gifts and abilities to saving my sanity. I have no idea how many books in total that I have read or articles, videos, and writing that I have written to try speaking about the subject and these days I am lucky if I speak at all. I spend my time trying to put spirituality or my life in context that reflects something back to me. That all this work that I did has a reason or cause. If seems the more I know the less I know.

Many times, I heard I am running away, well that may be true to degree because if I really look at my life, I been running to save it. I am really tired, and out of ideas how to rebuild my life over and over again because of the dysfunction’s that I learned as child. The trust issues, boundaries, control, codependence, never being enough, unlovable, intimacy issues and standing up for myself, the abuse, violations and predators, misogynist men and misandrist women or people hating in general, addictions and personality disorder.

The way I see it God created us all and even the bible states it, even the bible has been used to separate and divide people for our beliefs. Every religion points to a higher power or external force. Which really is in us, all.

Somewhere I must have for asked how people become the people they are and, in their situation, well I should have known better considered that question before I asked it because I have seen things that I still trying to purge for my brain that I will never find peace for unless I send love to myself for being the witness or observer of it. I am listen now at the children playing outside talking smack with their words I can only imagine what is happening inside their world that they use such venom words to speak to each other. I am not saint and have uttered words of pure anger but normally in the confines of myself or venting to release the energy.

I am scared because I invested 17 years into something that I am no longer passionate about.  I have sent out thousands of resumes to get a job/career that I believe in and that was worth a cause. I written a millions words at this point between my writings and college, to educated myself to have my own thoughts or knowledge that allude me to solve basic needs in my life. I can’t count the number of times that people have said to take a job because it will make me money to encounter soul-less people who take their jobs way to seriously, that I should slave for scraps to feel like it is a slow death to my soul, even if it temporary.  

People think I am too serious within my self and I am because I was forced or chose to see things that I had no idea that existed or what human or otherwise are capable of. The layers and layers of lies, and programs to keep people from living. Wondering are we all a clogs in machine for people to feed from us. With a parasitic governments and corporations, the 1% to average person who can’t remember who they are.

If love in foundation of creation, or of child, planet, or everything. Why are there such distortions and why does history keeping changing and repeating itself? I don’t know that answers to this question. I would have to say something it is not God who is keeping us in these cycles, to not even trust anyone and all the while, how would God fix this, or how does God see this or why would God allow this.

If I am made in image of God and creating my reality with my thoughts, did I really help create all these problems on the planet, because I was never trained to use my mind correctly, that when I hate I hate me first because If I am all and the many too, then is there is the Law of correspondence in action or in other words, what is done to another will be returned to you, simply put Karma in action.

If I take the actions of others, review my live and myself in regard to what has happen either I was a terrible person in this life or another. Which I have a hard time believing, but it could be true for a past live, yet with my memories I have I don’t know that I have purposely tried to hurt anyone. In anger with words yes, not to them and the many people that I have encountered not to their faces because due to the trauma that I have experience I tend to freeze first or just go into shock and don’t know how to respond to people who claim that they are who claim to be. Even knowing that it is all surface garbage of their own stuff and own inner projection of their wounds, words and actions, it speaks volumes to what they really believe about themselves. I don’t know if any of this is even making sense at this point.

If I was to take a bigger perspective of what is happening, I would say that the world is standing up for the injustices against them whether it in the home, work, or world, we have relied on the governments to stand for the people, yet they shut down the entire world and expect to us believe that they knew nothing and did nothing to contain the problem.  That is like saying No one saw the planes fly into the twin towers and it some kind of fluke on the radar.

Violence is not the answer, just as the military use the term stand down, so can we. Lock in our homes fearing what – living, dying, friends, family, going out in public – we need to stand up and just not take it. People are going to die and someday we all will pass from this world into the next life, so why fight it, because you going to do it again and repeat the lessons if you didn’t get this time.

If government can shut down, so can we, by standing down and not playing their game of control and manipulation. This is when people should turn away from the media and the people bashing, it is disgrace the level unprofessionalism tactics, tactless, and hatred; moreover, is the fact that people are sitting there getting their drama fix from it, that is addiction too. These people in government are here to serve us not the other way around and if they can’t do their jobs and serve the people it time for them to go. Riker’s Island looks nice with all the pedophiles and sex slave traders. Dirty corrupt people. Big tech with stealing data and stalking people while profiling them. Chips or inserting nano technology in people and children.  I can’t figure out what horror or Sci-Fi movie I am living in am more. Yet I can go to the park or to nature and none of that exists there. We have lost sight of what is important!!