10-01-21 Remember that you born from love

 

What if you remember that you born from love, divine source or even of different dimension or a planet? And you question why all these people in one way or another and try to create you into something that you not. They taught you that you’re not worthy of love because of their own low self-esteem, they had no boundaries to define who they were and who you are. The mini me syndrome. You saw the world and experienced that world something other than it was. They put all their fears on you to be afraid of standing in your true power. To have a voice or be seen as a person or as human, separated by the fact that you are not them but are them to a degree since everything is divine and god source.  

I have a pit in my stomach trying to understand and justify the things that I experienced and trying to tell a story that seems extreme and in the same note less important compared to other people’s stories that I heard. In spirituality they say your not your story. But the story of your life is the only reference point that you have up to this point. You can know that your love and a divine being, human that came here to change the narrative for other to know this truth that you know.

Yet the more you try to be this being, the more turmoil that seems to come your way. As I learned words have power and even my use of the word turmoil bring a vibration of just constant problems. While I try to figure out whether it is mine or something outside of me, taught, learned or collective this seems like endless processes to navigate. I couldn’t tell the numerous times I questioned how I got here and why these things happened to me.

I started looking into spirituality because I wanted to know what was happening to me. Why I was having these visions and dreams of accidents and deaths. Not once to did anyone tell me what was happening to me or that I need to protect myself or energy from people. Why parents never seem to be present to the fact that I existed or was sensitive to their pain, or what was happening to me. How could they, they were raised in the same fashion. Generation after generation of dysfunctional and thinking that they were doing exactly what they taught or not taught.

I had these knowing and visions as a child and various other experiences, I had no one to turn to for answers.  I remember once going to the library, more or less, told to go to the library by an inner voice and not knowing what I am looking for at the time. I remember walking around the library looking for something that I had to idea what it was. As children were trained to not listen to natural intuition for various reason. Most of it just because of dysfunctional. If they feed, clothe and housing them that all they need is what I taught, there was no direction other than to control. The control even stemmed from a program “children are not heard, just seen”. And by seen, I mean you existed. I was in the hands of two people who knew nothing of themselves as a person, to then raise five children who still have not really learn to function is this very polarized world.

I have spend the last eight years to unravel that roots of why I have had the life I had. To still search for pieces that I feel are still missing to understand how to integrate these patterns that were forced on me. Conceptually I understand them, and I have to constantly check in with myself and to questions the repeated behaviors, beliefs or trauma from abuse both neglect physically, emotional, sexuality and spirituality. How to find forgiveness for myself and understand where these dynamics stem from it is exhausting, all the while wondering am, I am clearing anything from my life, if it continues to pop up.

How to write or speak about them in way that supports my growth as a person. All the while living in uncertainly of what will happen to me in two months or even six from now. I stopped dreaming of that life or that partner, a wedding years ago because life has not been real for me for a long time. When I had to laid in bed with knife under my pillow for fear of my family would attacking or assaulting because I would not allow them to push my boundaries to speak up for myself. Or how they constantly put me in danger or my children because their behaviors and distortions.

How I would repeat the patterns of behaviors by being not allowed to speak, or have a voice and be controlling, codependent and repeat these beliefs in my own relationships with both male and women because you repeat what you know not what is unknown. If I review my life on what I remember, experienced and been told, I really don’t know how I am still alive. Because based on the knowledge that I have I was set up to fail from my birth on. I have often wondered why my parents had me because they did not seem to ever care, unless I wasn’t doing something that they didn’t like, which seem like everything. I was not a person. I was not child with needs or expectations. Love was distortion, of you own me or passive aggressive, slave or I am obligated to you to meet you needs not mine as child.

I could have spend the next 30 years in therapy trying to understand the whys and how comes to no end. Will it solve anything I will be heard by a least one person, who is paid to listen to me, which is just another form of the uncaring parent. Why bother, why make a heart connect to another person, don’t we already live in a world of that now. Dead, numb, to busy, to many obligations, or time, stressed, work or the phone is too important even to have a real conversation with anyone. I write my story because I have no one who actually gets it. We want to blame someone or tell are story or just fucking feel something in world that thinks were robots, dumb or lazy or just actually get paid enough to thinking were actually living a life.

Home is a precarious word; we define as place but really it not physical place. It a place within us. Home with self. I wrote that I conceptually know that I am loved beyond words, feeling and it is my state of being but walking among people presenting their views of who I should be is very confusing to the least. It seems that who I am is less important in comparison what I should be doing or money that I earn, where I live or clothes that I wear. Thinking is an afterthought; my opinions and beliefs are just views and most think that they should think for me, because I not capable of my own choices whether they are right or wrong.

This is deep, and people would say let that shit go. I would say at least I honest and feel it. If people were honest and fuckin felt something maybe the world would be a different place. It not evil or completely unheard to feel into the depths of your soul. It the fake people who can’t be honest with themselves. I have ask God why, would you continue to send us here to experience all these things, to only have us continue them generation after generation. The only explanation that I got was that is the point, to remember who we are and wake up from the lies that have been placed on you. That you are sovereign being living from the mind and not the heart. Your told that it the mind that runs the show and it really the heart.

So why is it so difficult for people to see that? It was explained to me like this if we were to take away everything from you: as labels, things, family, friends, money, clothes, homes, pain, job/careers, all the experiences good, bad or lovers, who would you be? Since there is no reference point you would just be. Just a baby has no reference point until it experiences life. Before life or the womb, it knows that it is source and love without the labels. It is a pure being of light with consciousness of everything that is ever known. That you only see darkness because that is what you told by everyone and everything you around you. A tree does not darkness unless the sun is not shining and even when it not shining on your side the planet is still shinning somewhere on the planet or out in the universe. Your taught this is all there is and that furthest thing from the truth. There are life forms all around you, you only been taught to see what is visible which only one point of view.

You taught that a tree is green with leaves, yet if you were to really look at entire tree it is individual among many, just as you are. Snowflakes have been shown to entire works of art by themself, yet they are still a snowflake. The deeper you go the more you see, feel, hear, taste, touch, or experience. Your perception is unlimited, you’re not taught to expand the view using all the senses from within you. Or that the entire universe is within you. That everything exists within before it manifested without.

When an artist, builder, musician, writer, or anyone, they have a thought, idea, or vision, or use the senses to brings it in to form. They see a different view within them. Feeling and emotions is what moves people to share their thoughts. Just as you write now, you had this pit in your stomach that needed to come out. To express something that was within you. The voice that tells you something is off, and you can’t quite put your finger on it. This is  the body way of tapping into what needs to be expressed. Writing is physically expression of the calling within to do something. To release the energy that needs to be expressed. Even if no one reads it, it is still putting it into form.

What if another feels as you do and does not know how to acknowledge that calling within to use words to do the same. They are walking around feeling this pit whether it in the heart or stomach it is internal truth. Many times, we deny what we are feeling because others have told us it not ok to feel, that it touches a cord of truth.