Seeing that I am writing this on My birthday it
seems quite fitting. As I have become disillusioned with the illusion. What do
I mean by that, I have spent the last 17 years of my life researching what was
happening to me! When my abilities, gift, or curses came back online and I
started having dreams that would show me things like accidents, or events, I
wanted to know what was happening to me or rather what comes through me. In the
world of illusion nothing happens to you, it is there for reason.
Like my many of my bad relationships it all had its
purpose that apparently, I was a little slow to get. Someone pointed it out to
me by directing me to two books that really did not help. One was Sylvia Brown,
the other Many Masters. I have since read those books several times with still
no clear understanding as to why other than there are many masters, and we are
masters in our own right. Yet, we have forgotten or chose to forget to function
in this reality. To walk around as a child knowing things to now have a name
for it.
My 17 years of research have led me through a lot of
books, and I have not decided whether it helped my life or destroyed it. It is
like breaking a glass ceiling and looking back in self-reflection and wondering
why I would have chosen a life that I have. Apparently, that is what I have
done. As a soul, I contracted my life with the family that I birthed into.
As a child, I
always felt that I was in the wrong family. Maybe my mother felt my dismay
because as a joke it would be said you’re the mailman child, more or less
making reference to my father’s many jobs. Which I can fully understand today
that were always pursuing more money or a better life, to provide for our
family, or the need to understand or explore. When not given the opportunity to
explore life, it becomes flat and boring with some redundancy thrown in. Unless
your job is that exciting that it pushes those boundaries.
Most of us are locked into what is not possible, it
is not your fault you were not taught to expand our awareness of possibilities.
As a being of light with soul contracts to live with the family you did and
navigate the pitfalls of life. One can only imagine why we have the world that
we have. If love is the highest form of attainment and from the womb or birth
you are slowly cut off from being love, joy, or happiness from the beginning
why could, would you possibility known any different.
Since it is a personal journey to each and everyone,
what I have recently learned is called a Life stream of one consciousness. So,
in short, you came into to remember that you are connected to everyone and
everything, that much like a beehive we are the worker bees of the queen, not
claiming that the queen is male or female, but as merely as a point reference
of thought or many a better thought is a mirror when scattered it all the
pieces yet from one piece of glass.
Now depending on your upon your birth family, you
were exposed to multiple generations of thoughts, beliefs, culture, and
behaviors within the genes of the family of origin and what was taught or
learned by the conditions of childhood. What was right, wrong, bad, good, or
evil – colors skins, etc. To enter school to be socially programmed to narrow
the view even further that there is separation by skill level and the abilities
to remember, not to be taught to think.
Your social engineer to memorize what is taught to
you versus expanding your awareness. Looking at your family as an example –
whether knowledge, was important to include, arts, sciences, nature to be
important and or you are deemed as having any value, to include you as
important, as in a just anything being important. Most people have grown up
with distortions by putting value into objects.
Jones, class, or status, what side town or area you
grew up. There is numerous classification to keep the beliefs going should one
really look at them. Hopefully, I have not lost you at this point. We are all
divine creators being in bodies, and through our birth family, we adapted to
for various reasons and some very real survival conditioning. To have to become
self-preservation because of the conditions that surrounded us.
As a child, we were connected to the truth of who
we/you are, and when we only know love, joy, or happiness and are faced with
feelings that overwhelmed by our experiences as a child and not having parents
in tune with their own emotions or unhealed trauma from their own experiences
to pass on their conditioning to their offspring.
If we use history as an example to navigate our
parent's experiences, many times I hear people speak of the good old days or
when times were better – now I don’t want to sound bleak but from my view: wars, threats of wars, bomb raids, and
nuclear attacks, various bugs, flu or outbreak to collapse in the market
financial, gas, food shortage, housing have all repeated themselves to the
point that some people can pinpoint invariably when this is likely to happen.
This of course is both intuitive and by studying patterns.
As I sit here, I am wondering am I all over the
place since I trying to put 17 years of concepts and study in a single
explanation for what exactly. I could list all the books that I have read but
there are just too many. So, I think for reference of my own mind I going to
list what happened in snippets:
(I have always known things, saw, things or Astro
projection, etc – my thought is just not spoken of much like Sex, Religion, and
Political.) the Taboos – woo hoo’s.
2003 – dreams and signs i.e.: a billboard ESP across
it.
2004 – seeing light around objects and told, about
above mention books, which open the door for other books to come in like
Co-dependency, narcissism, Child of adult alcoholics, Drug dependence, Sexual
trauma, Child neglect…emotional neglect. etc.
2005 – Life fell apart –
2006- continued to have dreams –
2007- late in the year I directed and went to see a
Psychic when I left said event very upset, to have experiences where I now
could sense and feel people that were not physical. Along hearing them clearer.
“A Kundalini experience I believe.
2008- late 2007 to Moved back parents’ house – which
should been when I started shadow work but became survival of dysfunction that
was previously hidden from me – which may be in hindsight was for me to see the
truth and deception and start to see the layers of dysfunction, when I could
remember that my Brothers were called orphans when father passed and I left it
alone, to question wait there is still you and the three of us, which was now
making some kind twisted sense.
2008- 2009 – Fall of the market- car dealerships,
bailouts, housing, banks – menacing ghost and creepy stuff. I started writing
everything down that I was experiencing or information. Prior I just would
write randomly. Even constantly being able to verify the information – I was
now deemed by my family as a witch or causing deaths. Not at helpful when you are laid off from
your job to then have your car tow away several months later.
2010- pretty much living in fear of what was
happening around and through me. I began to Channeling information.
2011- by end of 2011 what should have been a
rebuilding of life for the last four years became survival of safety,
protection for myself and my children. I have no rational explanation for what
I encountered other than chaos on a level that I have never known or
experienced. I thought I am living in 3rd world country – I never thought that
I would live for there so long, but it became that way out of my own fear or
the fact that I never knew what I am walking into much like my childhood.
2012- Called Ex 12/31/11– what a wrong decision this
was – what was already raw and vulnerable because I spend four years of what I
was enduring went to level that now was mentally abusing and daily threats of
taking my son away from and emotional abuse to my other son. To try to keep it
together for my children and pray for answers as to why I was experiencing what
I was.
2013- late 2012 I finally escaped his mental abuse
and physical threats of this man to only have my son take away from me. To then
have to fight for the rights of custody of my son for the 20 months of my life.
To include Women's shelter, Homeless shelter, and then transitional housing.
2014 – I had lost the battle for my son after the
Superior Court of Philadelphia refused to address my case and told me to go
back and fight it in the lower courts. To had to travel by bus, two trains, and
another bus to get access to see my son which was only one way but a total of 9
hours in total from where I lived to him and back. When the ex lived just over
an hour away.
2015- Again trying to keep it together, as I cried
every night, to now see beings in my room at night or this bright white light
that I could not see anything around. Still trying to get an understanding of
what was happening and how only years earlier I had the house, white picket
fence – what would seem like the ideal life was now survival at best
description that I could call it.
2016- By the middle year of 2015, I moved yet again
to relocate – which seems like the middle of no-where, where I would attempt to
put my life again back together, traveling four hours in total to get my son
and custody that I was locked into because of housing situation and financials.
Trying to get a degree and education to by all accounts resemble normal that I
once had, or I thought was normal. Which there is not normal and should be
omitted from the dictionary if I had my way.
2017 Still working on my education and studying
spirituality, trying to understand why my life had turned into such dramatic
and traumatic ways. I finally had to address the trauma and start releasing
years of dysfunctional of thoughts, beliefs, behavior, which I was channeling
at the time, but again was not making the connection to myself and as the
vessel for the psychic, empathic, medium, or even channeling that I as a person
was connected to the creation of my life or my thoughts that I was possibility
creating this in my life. I thought it was happening to me, but not by me, when
in fact it is the other way around. Life happens through you not outside of
you.
2018- Still channeling, seeing portals and images of
people in broad daylight, trying to figure whether I wanted to continue in my
education, as I watch the deception around me unfold. Running energy through my
hands, which is most like the Reiki that I studied, to work somewhere and watch
as people who would not conform, or stood up for right causes were removed from
their position and people with less than shady intention would then separate
and divide people or hired for diversity reason who couldn’t count money or
citizen, for the sole purpose of the language that they could speak, among
other things. I am Ok with diversity but should not have to do your job too
because I only speak one language and make less money doing it.
(My Observation) their own unhealed wounds or power
struggle, from their own trauma, would have me removed from my education and
employment because I challenged the powers to be, by going over their head,
after and before already trying to convince others that there were big problems
in the project. Foolishly, I thought I was doing the right thing that was not
the answer. When the people are to easier lead either by fear or rocking the
boat to disagree that there a problem.
It is like building a house of shitty foundation and wondering why your
housing is about to collapse. I apparently was not informed on how to play the
game to keep my job.
So, I was dismissed and even humiliate publicly
because the person I offended which I worked under for two years, I was now a
person who I was of no use to her, any longer, even when she put me in meetings
of the mind. I would tell her are sure you want to do that because I am one to
sit back not question BS when I hear it. If anything, I had learned to question
everything that came my way to even to point of hyperdrive from the trauma, my
safety, and my spiritual quest to understand what was happening to me and why
no one seem to talk or even discuss it.
2019- Still crying for what seemed like forever at
this point, mourning what my life had become, what happen to children, and to
all the many things that I kept finding myself in. My shadow work to connect
the dots of my life, as to why things were happening left me again seeking
professional help, which I think was helpful to a point but never went to the
depth for any real benefit or healing.
It's fun to think at one time and a very long time
ago I wanted to be a psychologist, but because of my childhood, it became more
of survival than thriving, which is a pattern put in place long before I could
even spell. Yet, as a child, I knew things were not right, in any form of the
words. Birthed into dysfunction from the beginning.
Love is not
how I would explain my childhood or parents. Understanding that this is
ancestral and repeats generational until one questions what is the validity of
the information that is perceived. It is like telling a person you can be rich
in wisdom or money and they look at you got three heads where wisdom is not
considered wealth or even as being rich. It's all about the money what you sell
your soul for or turn you into a robot to do your job. Like one that chasing
you around the giant.
My studies have taken into quantum physics, shamanic
studies, shadow work, angels and working with masters, empathic, healing self,
and hypnosis. Well into way too many other things that cover the wounded child,
light beings, light language, etc. To we create our reality by soul contracts,
to karma, thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, actions, God, what is god and reality
to countless other things. Death, dying, UFO, aliens, abductions, and illusions
of reality to other dimensions existing.
Three/four things that are consistent are
meditation, reflection, contemplation. And of course, asking for assistance
whether its god, guides, source or ascended masters, prayers, and angels for
protection, which naturally one would think is not necessary considering you’re
a soul have experience in a body, but as you clear the lies of fear, trauma,
and control for programming your field from this life or past life’s, it is
like open door to ghosts, lower vibration beings and anything that considered
like psychic attacks or fear projections. It goes deeper than that and crosses
into a conspiracy which people question when multiple people are experiencing
the same things.
2020- The Big Vax word and the world literally
turning to Fear of living, fear death, fear touching, talking, friends and
family, children playing reminds me of play right out of Art of War, or
psychological thriller. I would say that it is about control of the humans and
clearing the fears that have run rampant in this world.
We are all facing our fears of everything, from
food, housing, security and money, health, and I would like to say that there
are not dark forces but because that would not be true, since I have seen,
experienced in dreams or physically during day, to a professor telling my class
that Men in black are real, or speaking with veteran’s whom have told me that
their life, as well their families are government property because of the
missions that they been on would be just another lie. One of many that we have
been told to keep us dumbed down, whether you want to believe it not.
2021 - Since 2007 I felt it was my job to put out
the channeling that I was getting, even when I myself was not incorporating
this information for my benefit too. I still continue to do so, whether it is
psychically, mediumship, empathic – channeling but as the year is closing and I
have made no money regarding this material. I am perplexed as to what to do
next. Someone once said write book! I write every day and share what is
necessary and what I can to still protect my children. I have had attacks,
physically, threats of slander by a lawyer to the removal of my child, to being
pennies less at times, to where do I go from here.
I thought about video or talking public via video or
zoom – which Of course I have asked the guides for assistance in or with the
means, which seems odd when talking to a computer without a person. My son told
me some people talk to stickers or tennis ball – Thanks but I don’t need a
Wilson volleyball, which seems rather dumb, since we discuss things in our head
or verbally when processing information or at least I do.
So, if I look at this from the view of I create this
reality I would have a block in root charka, to the flow of money and could be
karma regarding a soul lesson, or generational learned – by never having enough
money, as in a person and value, worth to low esteem, which I heard from someone
– which really not helpful to reinforce what I call psychobabble only because
it overused.
Since no one is unscathed by some trauma event.
Telling a person, they suffer from this useless nonsense when in point it is
about healing it- does not benefit anyone. Not that you “can heal yourself” but
were told that we can’t.
Recently, as words have the power to inspire or
disempower and I have my own self-talk work with even with knowing better and
Fake fear I still need to deal own mind to someone telling me to let that stuff
go is as useless when the entire world is mourning what is happening.
I deem these people what I call fake fluffy
spirituality in that when they limited their view of what has/is happening to
people having to clear whatever belief or trauma that the person may be dealing
with is self-deprecating yourself and the person. If there is one source, god,
then that person is you, too.
When I get
any information if I don’t have discernment to challenge or question the
information it unless information. Being people even in this community are
running around half-cocked when someone is having a hard time letting go of the
past or looking for answers – just maybe it is a lot deeper than you know
having a cocked mouth about it is not helping or healing them. Sorry I have experienced this several times
and have I most likely done it too.
So, maybe just be silent to really hear what they
are saying because maybe no one has actually ever listened to them. But if you
are who claims to be you should be able to tune into them or may there
reflecting some back at you since everything is a mirror or your own
inter-world.
I have repeatedly questioned why we or you continue
to come to this planet, to have these experiences to be traumatized as a child,
live through it, karma from other lives
or to spend ourselves entire lives clearing the experiences to live in joy or
happiness and love with the acceptance that I help create it but was never
taught to use my creative power with responsibility “that is like a putting a
toddler in a room of glass and telling them to play while carrying a baseball
bat or golf club”.
It sounds ridiculous, but it seems to be one reason
why we come back to relearn that were infinite being that never ceases to exist
and our creative power of love and ability to create responsibility, this is
not helpful when out the mouth of someone who channels AA Raphael – one) is
create what you and the next) it is focusing on spiritual understanding. I get
that there are two different audiences for information, but when I am looking
for answers to resolve my own issues and my own involvement in this thought
experiment call life.
I am like I done, over it and all of this – can we do something else now or show me
something new. Jokingly, say to the guides well I can become a brain surgeon
and after 10 years of school and 10 years of residency by age 70 I could
perform surgery, then maybe I would not want to do it any longer, too, because
if the med bed that I have seen for a very long time come into existence there
is no need for the barbaric surgery that we do now.
Where am I in the present moment- well it is my
birthday that I mention 3800+ words ago since I am reverse aging to 25 and
decide to buy a ring for myself, as a promise that whether there is a future
partner or not, or my finger turns green which it better not, that I will always
come first and try to speak my truth in the confines of legal systems or not
and spirituality even when Sylvia Brown calling this the hell planet or Dolores
Cannon the Convoluted Universe, or I yell at the universe for sending whatever
my way because I have no memories of a soul contract.
I will try and look at it objectively or until I
find something better to do with my time. I was told and heard to be thankful
or grateful in the midst of things When you are like what the flip is
happening. I absolutely understand it because I walk the talk.
My future writing at this point is unknown. Which of course is based on my current
situation of wanting a home, to move and find some peace after the last 17 years
or 52 if I start from the beginning. There are certain things that I have no
claim or experienced in this life, that not saying did not happen in the past –
most people have a couple thousand life streams or lives before they process
the information that I put forth here.
This is even limited because I find unless you are
looking for this information or most don’t seem to want to read unless your
avid reader to begin with this information woo-hoo – woo woo unless you have
some encounter that you could not leave behind.
