12-05-21 Turn and Face the Fear

 

12-05-21 Turn and Face the Fear

Yesterday I was triggered and not in a good way. I lived next to a neighbor who is excessively slamming the windows, doors, light switches, or vacuuming. He has indicated that he has OCD and at times it is extreme. Now myself being sensitive to noise and trying to understand this slight irritation that was nudging at me, trying to pull at me to be understood or addressed.  His behavior and a few other noises fueled my now nudging into just general piss-off.

I was trying to address my emotions that were coming up to then become overly annoyed. Understanding his position on his obsessive behavior. I was sent into a tailspin. Deciding that I needed to leave the comfort of trying to address the cause or root of emotions. His actions just upset and angrier me more. So, decided that I would go to the park and release the anger that I was feeling, by throwing rocks in the creek. I must have thrown 100 rocks before I felt some relief from what was building in me. 

We're taught to fear anger and rightfully so, many of us grew up in complete chaos of family because our parents did not know how to manage what they are feeling. My own research shows that it taught and learned, that the only genetic part of it is that we have emotionally unaware parents, grandparents, and society. We are born of pure love and slowly but surely that is dampened by what was happening around us. When you come in as love, little by little, the very part you get lost in conforming, fitting in, and learning that to exist and to survive you change who you are.

I for one grew up in what I deem a dysfunctional family, I knew as a child to have realized that it was far worse than I thought as an adult. I tend to think that my early traumas were both a blessing and a curse. For they created this conflict that I am constantly in battle within my mind. It is a dialog that I am to love the people who I was born to and then am angry that they had no idea that I was so sensitive to the environment around me. To constantly be reinforced that I was not who they wanted me to be and to never feel safe, protected, or even fear for my life at the time.

The fact that I can remember that it is not supposed to be this way and have these abilities does not help matters. These natural abilities have kept me alive and safe to a degree. My coping skills have had to be addressed repeatedly because what worked as a child does not work as an adult. As I am constantly addressing what I am feeling and whether is my own feeling and emotions or others, as in the collective or just the people around me. It can be quite hard to tell the difference. As I believe that we're all sensitive and in tune but have turned away from feeling it because its feelings and emotions are overwhelming and sent us into a survival model, to fight and flight depending on the conditions that we were raised in.

These traumas that I have experienced at an early age have repeated themselves throughout my life and it gets annoying that I have to address them again and again. Mostly because this is subconsciously playing out like a broken record. I have taught myself to reflect on where this came from or when did I first experienced it. Which of course leads me back to my parents, trauma, or coping skills. The outside world is constantly fighting for your attention, or person or the ego, to fill it will it with something, it is like pick your poison. There seems to be no magic potion unless you address it versus excusing it.

So how to address it by acknowledging it and how in psychology they you use words like reframe or it in your mind, which of course, never addressed the family, culture, whole body, environmental factors, or poor nutrition or physical activity. Hell, we were even punished by parents or school for that too. You talk too much, you’re too fidgety, can sit still, and or you’re a daydreamer to be labeled as psychobabble because the industry is set up to tell you that something is wrong with you when of course it could be society at large. I have experienced it and witnessed myself, and my own child was pushed into medication or behavior therapy when there was a lot of underlining issues with myself or the systems in place that have led to many of my other challenges.

Now I not saying that it is not necessary to address things with a professional, but because we're told that something is wrong with us from childhood forward because of a lack of knowledge or other’s thoughts and opinions because we don’t fit into their normal, which again, is what they were taught as normal. The only things that their common ground to even consider as normal is the fact that people need: Food, shelter, transportation, money, clothing, and healthcare to include dental, eye, and alternative care, as in, way to produce these things.

But when the greater majority of voices in the world speak of Fear as the only solution, to create more of it and things that should be created in compassion, love, spirituality, unity, or happiness to inner reflection, contemplation, or critical thinking. Most people are not taught to think until college, or something happens to make them question what just happen or parents that already questioned their own minds or experiences. My thought is one of this: to change anything, it starts with self-first. We are divided by thoughts not what is in common with us. So, unless we address the fear and face it head-on it’s like my neighbor you can turn on the light switch 1000 times or slam the door repeatedly it does not resolving anything.