S-8-13-21 Recovered Trauma from Two and half years old

 

8-13-21 Recovered Trauma from Two and half years old

Imagination being two half years and being screamed at to stand still for a picture that was important for some reason and that event for would be the beginning of a life that was a catalyst for the rest of your life, until you finally sat down to look at the things that have happened and found that it did have a root cause.

Now one of questions that I am often asked by people who know me, why they did not know that I could bring psychic, medium or channeled messages through. Well for one thing I told not to speak about it and the other reason that I had no idea that it had a named until was in my thirties. I just walked around apparently being me and because it was second nature to me, other than seeing things I just did not say anything about. I would speak about things and it created some ending to many friendships.

I thought everyone could do it and it was some unwritten rules that you did not discuss it. I didn’t think it was issue until I realized that much later, when I would say thing and people reacted to me. I think I thought it was like politics and religion and just did not say anything. Also, I raised that if had nothing nice to say, don’t say anything, or Children are seen and not heard, that one makes me cringe.

As child I knew that I was in the wrong family or wrong planet. I knew that I here for a reason and what the reason was or is on-going process. Now trying to condense 51 years of experiences in a book or a single writing is overwhelming to say the least. It as if I am reliving, those events all over again and to hit on key points to trigger your memory of why things that have happened or never needed to happen. Yet in the same respect had you not walked through it you would not be the person you are today or have the understanding of what another has gone through. There is in the spiritual community saying that “you are not your story, yet your story has defined who you are to this point”. 

In both psychology and the spirituality there is a common thread that what you experienced between the ages of birth to seven are the crux of your entire being in this life, which is only partially right. Being that I never felt that my birth family was my real family, it made my life difficult in the fact that I did not understand the rules to the game I would say.

How could anyone one, we are born from a perfect state of being to choose these family were any remembrance of truth or love is quickly forgotten or programmed out of us. Then you consider the fact our families have their history of generations before and all those dysfunction and programming before we were thoughts to own parents. Now each us or me experienced things that were not from where we came on the other side. I don’t have full memory of where I came from before birth, yet I have seen things that just don’t exist in this world at present or do, and only a few thousands of us have access too.

My two-half year old wants to say that moment I experienced anger directed at me for not following directions was pivotal in my development.

I have no memories before that moment and have even attempted to view them under hypnosis, which is how, I know about this single event. I went under Hypnosis in 2017, where I realized that I kept having pattern of events show up in my life that would then connected back to this moment at two-half. It shows how these events connected back I would end relationships and jobs with this same time frame.

I was subconsciously protecting myself from being screamed at or having someone angry at me for my behavior, which of course any parent will tell that no child sits still at that age or is easily distracted by things, that is what children do. Now we live in culture that if child cannot sit  there, there is something wrong with them. Yet, the only testing presently done is for a person to observe the child. There is no real testing, family culture, dysfunctions or questioning what type of food that the child is drinking or eating. I think most people should be in horror of the food industry and that is whole other conversation.

 I know this because one of own children I told had an issued that required meds. I fought it, until talked into it after I put my son in time-out, and he could not stay still. Never considering that he ate something or had extra energy that he needed to burn off. Then my son was over medicated to point that I didn’t know who he was at school activity and had no idea because the meds would only last through the school day. Even when they changed the meds, he started losing weight and his appetite. So, any structure that I had for dinner or meals when right out the window. Looking back, I would never put that kind of drugs in a child that age. The meds that use our scheduled 2 controlled substance of stimulants right up there with opium. (usdoj.gov controlled substance) and they pass it out like it candy. You must wonder ar they doping these kids on purpose. Children normally are still connected to other side but until numerous things, events, parenting, trauma, schooling. Schooling not about thinking for oneself and programming to service as clog in machine. 

I also attempted to learn hypnosis back in 2010, I stopped after my instructor said that I could not possibility know what I saying to another student without them being under hypnosis.  I never went back after that. Few years he did held another event, but it was money scam, and he did not teach you anything of value or worth of your time and money. I did investigate other people’s work, but the cost of these programs is out most people’s reach per se, unless you want to learn it and the money with appear.

If you gotten to this point, I would look for pattern in life, start with a time of line of when or what memories you have. There is so much trauma in the first seven years of life that most people don’t realized.  I should note that went I was under hypnosis that my energy body have a hole in the larger than my head.

This energy body is a protected field around my body to protect you from leaking your life force energy and keep other peoples stuff out of your own field. Which can be healed with the help angels and asking heal & seal the field. You can see it looking for it in meditation or see someone who works energy fields.

These are all subconscious programs that running: Sub because if they made conscious you would see them and say I am doing this behavior. etc..let me change it.  

Programmed to not speak my truth

Programmed to be screamed & yelled at.- leading being to disrespected and disrespect yourself 

Programmed to not listen to myself

Programmed to not believe in my truth, be who I am.

Programmed that something is wrong me for not listening, cannot following instruction or directions.

2-19-22 Shattered into Million pieces

 

If someone once told me that by talking about my story that it would help a lot of people. At the time I had no idea psychically, as a medium or channel what that meant at the time or why love is an obstacle for people to love people. If we are an expression of all things in form and God is the creator of all things including us, why do we do what we do to other people? I recently had several conversations that involve TRUST. Trust is a big word in that we must trust ourselves, other people, and Trust that there is a plan even when we don’t fully understand what is happening in our life and lives. Why do some people show up and others disappear?

Why people discuss letting go or why a spiritual person wants to say why another person is lonely. When if you step back far enough and with some knowledge or observation we can see or at least witness another pain that working through. Even when they can’t see. I see people claiming to just let go but this can only be done from a broader perspective. Spiritual people claim that you are lonely because you are disconnected from yourself or source, God, or whatever your belief system is that you have no idea who you are. Well, you’re never disconnected or separated from yourself or God because that is who you are. You don’t need to believe in Jesus who was a man in his own right. (Hold comments and do own research)

Just because you are connected to the spirit world does not put you out of the realm of being lonely. If anything, I have encountered more ego in the spiritual community than some of the toxic men that I dated. If I learned anything is that my relationship with the men or women in my life will always come back to my family roots or childhood. These patterns that show up in my life come from experiences that are so old and forgotten about that I can’t even remember them until they show up or are pointed out in a situation by my reaction to them.

I recently stepped back from reading and even pulled back in psychic information because it is a lot of energy to hold and with the need to for a lack of words exploit certain infractions whether it the government, secret societies, Aliens invading bloodlines call what you want. I had my share of weird stuff from people and in-plane sight in the daylight.  To arguments when trying to verbally express my view. To the point, I say why bother.

I for one would tell you to skip the tarot readings, medium and go work one yourself and read about the Master teachers and channeling from sources that are bringing this information through from people to remember that we are all sources and gods in the aspect. How there are parallel realities, dimensions, and past lives are really current lives existing at the same time as this one. I don’t fully understand how that karma from a current technically past life is affecting us now, or how death in another is affecting this present one. Still working that out. Anywho.

The guides and Master teach that you are the creator of this reality that you currently living in by your thoughts and emotions. Now as a child I understood that everything was love, until it was forced out of me by the people in my life, or one could say that I sign up for it as a soul journey to experience that extremes of good vs evil, love vs hate, the polarity of living this experience. That we are playing our part in the great scheme of things, and the other thing that the guides say is to try and see it from a higher perspective, which at times can be difficult.

I have spent the last 18 years researching what I can just to understand what was happening to me and why it was not taught to us from the beginning. And the answer is that for generations this information has been coming through people and we don’t question the unexplainable. I have a neighbor who asked me to go chase a ghost and I said why do I want to mess around with a ghost, these are ghosts (people) who have not transitioned to heaven or another dimension, they linger as attachments, apparitions, or imprints on the land, caught in what is called limbo, meaning they neither here nor there.

Thank God there are people who work with rescuing these souls, both in reality and Aetheric planes, but like us, they have free will and can choose not to leave which is sad because they chose to stay between worlds. One of the hardest things in this work is once you start you can’t go back because your world changes and sometimes it is at rock bottom, which I find strangely bizarre without proper support and guidance your left in what I call blind faith. I still have decided whether it saved my life or destroy it.

Learning about any or all this created confusion in that you learn that you didn’t need to experience certain things and because is both unsettling and a little disturbing that we are forced to forget or by choice to fit into even just birth families. I for one don’t understand the logistics if this is helpful in the present or some future version of myself.

Because my family and children are not that supportive of even conversation into the thoughts of expression that I attempt to offer, which is quite challenging to say in the least bit.  Then add empath and Telepath into the mix and literally feeling people and actually know whether their intention is pure or not. Oh, beware that there are people who are not of the highest intention of people out there and moral scruples, but the question could be that maybe you needed to discernment. My intention is not to validate but offer an opinion or my thoughts on my own journey and view.

If I can offer one word of advice is that you are God in form, you have millions of cells in the body, which are all you, but in the conceptual component, you are a fractal of one cell or all that is, which is both multiply dimension and exists of out of time and space. Being that there is not just one of you that exists. And Fear is the only obstacle in the way, which does not exist but is created to make you think that you should fear yourself or others.

2-19-22 Self Punishment

 

I was thinking how we self-punish ourselves. Not because we deliberately want to be punished in some form. It is mindset or programming from an early age. And since most people come from a dysfunctional family that transcends our lineage by inheritance and not in the form of money or property. Yet, it could be mental property. As in myself saying Why I do I do that! A valid question I supposed. But when you realize how much mental space it is taking up!

One needs to question why am I doing that..? The guides have come through and said worrying is a useless state of being, that we are wasting energy on the past actions or thoughts instead of creating a different outcome. So, I got thinking about the times when we ended our relationship, jobs, made a choice in our lives that didn’t create that expectation that we desired.

If I look at the root cause of this self-punishment it would have begun in my childhood because I did something that didn’t, please another or I didn’t understand what was being asked of me or I was not doing or being exactly how another would have wanted or done. See I know that in order to change a behavior or thought pattern of belief, that you need to be aware that you’re doing it.

Since most schooling and parenting is not questioning the world or thoughts but more of the action of remembering and repeating what you have learned, whereas were taught to think in just one direction versus seeing multiple possible at the same time. It is kind of like getting directions for putting something together and it makes no sense or rather nonsense. You then say screw it and layout all the pieces and say I know what it is supposed to look like and work out how you put it together.

So, if we or you are self-punishing ourselves for perceived wrongs which are part of the human experience for you or your soul to grow, is it possible that there are no errors! That job ended because it was not the right fit, that relationship ended because you learned that you had different thoughts and beliefs on what you wanted in your life. Were sold on the fact that there is only one soulmate for us when in reality everyone is a soulmate. There may not Sexual connection to procreate but that does mean every person is not an opportunity to make a soul connection.

The guides often say nothing that you experienced is there without a reason. You have called into being, this is similar to what is taught about the law of attraction except people look at it in material aspect for financial gain instead of an experienced of. So, while we're trained into that we should self-punish for the ending of things, whatever they may be, to then see them as an opportunity to get clearer about the things that we really want for ourselves, instead, we’re suffering or punish because we didn’t get it right. 

Now we could go deeper and say this karma or ancestor programming that Well for lack of better words that you’re not good enough or worthy of better, or you deserve to suffer. Understandingly there is a grieving process with any loss or change that affects our life or lives. But what about the present or future, so many are caught in the past like armor that does not allow things in that we miss opportunity because we are caught in the mindset that I did this, and this happen and not looking beyond to what could be.

We all came in with a dream and I don’t think suffering is one of them. So instead of self-punishment of the soul having human experienced we could say “what did I learn from that experience and what would I change or see differently” because if we question our own thoughts, they have no power over you to occupy space in the mind and to choose differently.

Since this could be a lengthy conversation to question your thoughts and why you think the way you do and knowing rightly that you hold the keys to the answers that you seek, on just need to question yourself and why you choose the thoughts that you do. Good day.

 

02-07-2020 Growing up a Fu*k Up

 

So, I have always walked to my own beat and will continue to. As a child, and not sure at what point it happen or whether it was ever mine to own. I just didn’t understand the rules that were placed on me. I didn’t fit in or walk with the understanding that being who I was, was not ok. I didn’t listen, I didn’t follow the rules or act in the right way that was acceptable. There are all these rules and limitations that I just did not understand or even explained to me.

I was expected to be something that I wasn’t. I made too much noise, or play too loudly, spoke when I was not supposed, not quiet enough, or not be seen. I made messes and walk on the grass and pick the flowers that were mine to take. I played in trees and climb them and fell from them too. I didn’t understand what the big deal was. I followed my brother when he tried to outride me with his bike. I like to explore and read and when there were no books JCPenney’s catalog would have to do.

I tried to fit in and my ways by being that helpful child, jump when I called to be. I stood up and put on the brave face when I just wanted to be left alone. I would stay in my room or go wander the woods and sit by the crick, which was just run-off water to just be in nature.  With life just teaming around me. There were no problems, no worries, no one to tell that I was doing it wrong.

The constant expectation of not being enough or doing it wrong and extremes of freedom to strict structure with no real variants between, my way or the highway. Even with a paper bag in hand sitting on the step because I did something so long ago that I have no memory of to the cause as to why. Or the multiple times that I just didn’t want to eat what was served for dinner because of what it looked like, smelled like, or just nasty.

All the time that I went to the food store as a child and wondered why there were fresh fruits and vegetables that we never ate except out of a can, and we only ate the potatoes and onions out of all those colors of what was there. At that point, I had been programmed to not question and challenge because of the reasons listed above and more.

It has taken me a long time to understand the impact that those words, actions and school, society places on anyone, financial constraints, to keeping up with the Jones or comparing every bit and piece of myself that comes up to be looked at. What having a religion or not having when given the opportunity to learn for myself.

Going to Sunday school church and not who this man was or why he was so important. Not knowing bible stories or even heard of them. All these things impacted my mind and life to what or who I should be. It really did matter who I was, there were labels and actions that spoke volumes to the point that you forget who you are, and you don’t remember what part of the story is yours or someone else.

The memories are muddled with bits and pieces like lost thoughts between mixed thoughts of what is real and what is not. The hole has been deep and when I wanted to just stay there because the words were arrows that I could not escape. Pretending to be invisible or walking on the ceiling with a mirror in hand when I think the world is upside down and backward all at the same time.

I had to learn to step back and relearn the truths, lies, and deception of what is less than truth. I knew that truth as a child and quite slowly and consistently, the world and people told me my story of who I was supposed to be when my heart was trying to tell me the truth that I knew and felt. Even on days that I doubted everything and everyone because when you can only see the darkness while questioning why is this happening. Why can’t others see it?

Even with my gifts and which I didn’t realize were gifts because they functioned more of a navigation system to keep me safe, even when they didn’t, or I learn to deny that part of myself because that part of me wasn’t ok with the people around or what people wanted from me or by the world at hand.

My biggest adversary is myself because all those people who did or didn’t do, we're there to tell me their tales of the same untruth and convince me that I could never fit in because I choose love over the darkness of the lies. The deception that fear of people, life, or what they could do or not should leave me in a state of not believing in myself, trusting myself, or loving myself and other people.

I can’t explain why people do what they do- could be programming, trauma, social conditioning, karma, dharma, soul contracts, a type of butterfly effect. What I do know is that I am not Fu*K up because someone else thinks it, not does not make it so.

Kintsugi-

 In Japanese Kintsugi is the art of when something breaks by putting the broken pottery pieces back together with gold- build on idea that embracing flaws and imperfections, you create an even stronger, more beautiful pieces of art. 

Beauty is in breaks because that is what we came to remember, that with all the trials and tribulations these attributions or breaks is what makes us human and love at the same time.