10-25-21 My Soul Searching

 

10-25-21 My Soul Searching

How does one remember who they are in the sea of contradiction? I see it like this, this is only my perspective of what I have learned. We/I was born into a family, as a spiritual being from heavens, if you so call it. I see it as another dimension. How many are there, infinite places! Some may call it another planet, another dimension, or another universe.

We all have DNA consisting of all the earth plane and more. Yet, science will continue to deny telling this to us. In many books and far too many to list here, they say that we came into our family, to clear ancestry, karma ties, and learn soul lessons. That regardless of the soul lessons there are these agreements that we made to expand our awareness and remember who we are that there is only fragmentation of part of us in these bodysuits or vessels.

That the greater part of ourselves/us lives in other places and dimensions. That the place we call earth as a planet is not the real and its illusion/matrix, in part that we call only see what we know, which is limited by our perception. That we came here to remember that we are one, god divided into fragments of as individuals of itself. We agree to come here to be creators in our view of all that is. That love and service are the highest regards, next to god. That all things are God regardless of what it looks like, it is still god in form.

Even with all the things that we have encountered there is us, as a God. That all the things we encountered were either soul contracts, balancing karma, or for our soul growth. To be an expression of God in form, to express a personality, or be a creator of a better world where we finally realize that nothing is separated. That everything is a choice, every single thought, reaction, or action is a choice. That regardless of what you see it is you, even if it does not look like you. That instead objectify everything that we see by labels, to know, and acknowledge it as God. Its expanse one’s perception of what they are seeing. That there is no longer division. Just God.

If one knew that they are God or creators with the abilities to alter their perception would there be a need to obtain what one seeks! If the infinite God, source, universe, only wants us to Know thy self, it is the only reason to pursue anything in this lifetime. As I consider all the above and question my relationship to the whole, I have become conflicted in that I thought that I was supposed to be a psychic medium and I received channeled information of what I would call a higher version of views. As a psychic medium, it has been clear that is just death in various ways that one has passed and the layers and layers of the why’s it is, or rather to whether its karma or soul contracts at work.

It has all become too much, seemingly very absurd to my human mind or perception. On a conceptual level, I understand it, there are natural laws of the universe and can take many lifetimes to even remember or question what is God, or does it even exist. Yet by looking around things exist, as matter into form, just as I sit on this chair. Science has tried to explain it by proving even the existence of the God particle or how the universe was or is perhaps created and expands. But nothing explains anything else.

As to why we would continue to come here lifetime after lifetime, to live a life of what? To experience what exactly? Because from just this view of this lifetime and my experiencing of it, whether as a witness or observer, it seems twisted and strange in that we consistently come back over and over again to go through the emotional drama that we do, and never really look at what we’re doing. 

By all good intent, I cannot tell a hungry child, rape victim, or person so beatdown by their family or life, that it was karma, a soul contract, or for you to know yourself as GOD and to self-inquiry, is the only authority on such matters. Seems largely outrageous and does not quantify logic in let say” let's do it again”. I am oversimplifying concepts that I have read, processed, or contemplated.

Now others indicated that there are dark forces in this matter, and quite frankly I have seen s.h.i.t that I cannot explain that one would think I bat crap crazy. As I look for a reasonable explanation or someone else’s explanation of their own encounters, I am left to agree that there are forces at work, or did we create that too. As I ask my guides for understanding in what the hell it was that I just experienced or encountered and having my limited view of why I walked through some of the most difficult situations to get no answers to resolve these internal questions leaves me conflicted in even my purpose on the planet.

I hear words or what people say it is a vibration and that is another conflict that pulls at my heartstrings that if something happens to someone or myself that causes me to fear that I must go through all the emotions of anger, hate, pleading, grieving, depression, and acceptances to forgiveness for that person or event to find peace in the present moment.

How is that vibrational? So logically speaking if it can take 10 years or 30, 50, years, or an entire lifetime, to figure out if I unknowingly deserved the creation of fear or trauma of situation because I experienced it over and over in my life at the hands of other people. There must be a better explanation for all of that.

So, let say for the sake of argument that my entire life that I have literally fought to exist as a person, to be seen or heard that I deserved the life that I got, and it is just a matter of clearing old patterns of belief that I learned in childhood. That life is just a series of events and experiences that fish together hoping that it looks like life, in the end, after one passes to the next to sarcastically say “let do it again”, that was fun.

Now previously sarcastically derives a vibration of some type of annoyance at the fact that until death we will never fully understand that meaning of life in general. That joy, bliss, and happiness are as fleeing at the moment, as money to pursue, that it will somehow make us happy to have more. Well, we all know that does not work, because one look at our world and clearly, we can see unless you live under a rock that is counterproductive to what is happening on the planet. Besides history is riddled with different time frames with the same problems of the have and have not. If we are all one, what we do to another is doing it to ourselves, because we never separate.

I could spend days in meditation or researching that answers to these seemliness questions looking for a reference point to allude to the actual answer to the overindulgent and narcissistic obsession of how can I be of service without the constant need to deal with death as a tool or to justifiable to be in the hands of God and to good luck processing the experience or finding peace in the storm of your so-called life. I don’t know the answers or even questions to direct such questioning, and it is way beyond my knowledge and that it is between God and you, that is something that you need to come to conclusions about your own life.

 

 

I am sorry if that this seems to be a negative interpretation of years of research to heal my life, but apparently, that is what it has been, all 51 years of it, and it is not over, yet. And what I don’t clear may be left on the shoulders of my children and grandchildren, unless of course more people start soul searching, instead of waiting for that moment when their life collides, to the question, what is happening and how did I get here.

 I like to say that my entire life was not so disappointing, but the weight of some of the things leaves me with more questions than answers. As I look for a resolution to my own self inquires, if I am honest and truly honest, I don’t know what is to come of me. I work to bring happiness and joy into my life, every day. This is not something that should have to be worked at, it should just be.