01-13-22 You can walk through Anything- Lost custody of my Son

I am reminded by just the date that 9 years ago that my world was forever changed. Today 9 years ago I went to court on a contempt order for leaving the county will my son. I left for myself and to protect children from a man and my family that did want to help us or had the best intention for us. We are raised with the belief system that Family is Family, that blood is family ties. In fact, I left with both my children as the court decided their fate for the rest of their lives. 

I left because I was verbally threatened by a man for over 11 months that he would take my son from me. To repeatedly, verbally abuse my other son by telling him to his face that he was not blood and some kind of problem because he would criticize him without any real cause of action for it. My contempt order hearing very quickly turns into having the custody of my son taken from based on the fact that I am living in a Women's shelter for Domestic violence because this man physically attacked me in front of my children because of an unknown reason. I could speculate on what caused him to attack me which denies to this day.  

This man who had taken us in only 11 months earlier from me calling on New year’s eve from but a Domestic Violence situation my family home that I resided in with was being punk out by my crack head brother who thought I was one of his street thugs, as my then son called the police because all the adults in the house then assaulted me for setting boundaries and I had had it my brother's drug dealing, drug abuse and quite frankly having to answer to the neighbors, the probation officer and anyone else that I have to explain away why mother failed to take responsibility or set rules and boundaries in her own home. 

This of course hidden from me or my awareness because for years this had been going and even though there was discuss there was no action taken to correct the situation. I had no thought or idea that magnitude that this was going on years before. I don’t know why I did see it before or connect the dots to see that this was going on my whole life and now was bleeding into my own life. 

Even as a small child I knew that I was living from and in dysfunction, it was apparently in everything that we did. I even knew that I never wanted to live that way. As strange as it was I conscious and unconscious to the level of abuse, physical neglect, and control that was running my life. All of which are conscious patterns running our life. 

Only years before had I ended a relationship with this same man that would alter my life and children. I would like to say Jekyll and Hyde would be the words to describe what happen overnight after the birth of my son, but it is more like the charmer and beast. My son was not even 12 hours old when it reared its head. I brushed it off as a new father and wanting to protect but showed up as controlling and dominant.

My other son had become a problem, my parent skills were not fit for him, and no matter what I did or did not do, whether it was taking care of our son, which was really his son. Working, cleaning, trying to run a household, money, and bills – it was all on me. When I asked him for help it outright dismissed it or why can't you do it all – since your home more than me. 

So, after a few months and a discussion that we should speak to a therapist I ended the relationship. My idyllic life of the home, white picket fence, and family dog went to shit. It was one event after another before my son's birth and after. The after of this relationship is looking more like a train wreck waiting to happen. I made the decision to not have any more children, which the ex-apparently had problems with, and rightfully so because I did not have a discussion with him.  My body and because he already trying to control every part of my life. From holding my son, not enough holding my son, to carrier, walker, the swing – feeding him, and so much more. 

So, I ended the relationship, sold my house after trying to keep it together, and function with two children, one under the age of seven and an infant to then-toddler. Had I had someone say Donna buckle down and cut down or out things that you don’t need or alternative ways maybe. But my expenses were over my head and childcare null. My family would agree and then I would show up and they would seem annoyed at best or think that any kind of structure that I had in place, would be thrown out the window.  

Even as I made a weekly trip with therapy for my son, even the therapist never made references or give suggestions or assistance. When it came to spirituality, she would give me an idea regarding books. Why spiritual was more important than my life falling apart, or making some changes or adjustments to my life, to maybe assistance. Nope did not happen. 

After selling my home, moving 4 times and no help supportively, and basically floundering around for close to two years. I moved back to my family home in hopes of putting my life back together. What a mistake that was – These events that I had encountered were not some random event, but a cause of the many problems that I was encountering. I thought that they had roots in anything, but they did and were subconscious. Then events were my childhood and my upbringing just about everything that I was encounter stemmed from my childhood trauma. Even as I was aware of the dysfunction I was now replaying in my own life. 

Spirituality, I was having things happen to me as I slept and had no idea what to do with the information, or as to why I am seeing things, and how to control what was happening to me. I was walking in between two worlds and either of them was making any sense to what was happening to me. Not once did I ever connect my life to my childhood or spirituality to anything because even with the books that I had encountered did it say that you need to protect yourself or white light, ground, meditation, etc. 

To this day I struggle to remember to do these things and it has slowed down, but still has no rhyme or reason to when it is happening or whom if anything it is for. I move back to my family home, all the dysfunction of my childhood, psychic gift, and my life in pieces are what I am working with and all the while trying to get back on my feet to live my life and protect my children. 

My life becomes not only protecting my children and now myself and still not connecting the dots to the causes of the many things that are happening to me and what happening in the external part of my life. They say that what is happening on the external is an indication of the internal. Well, then I am walking mess moving back and forth between so many things, and thoughts and dysfunctional I am spinning putting band-aide where I could. 

Where one should feel safe is now a brewing storm of chaos around me, and I am in the middle of a storm and my children who should be safe and protected and living a happy life being a child are limited by the insanity of the people around me. They say you are a mirror to and from the people around you. Well, mine looks like this, I have a mentally unstable Uncle who is over-drugged and a mother who by all accounts is trying to help and save people who don’t really want to be helped, I have a crack addict brother dealing drugs to avoid what who knows at this point. 

I have sheriff’s department walking into my family home and I am lining the children up on the sofa, after they walk into the house with authorization to pick up my brother’s numerous warrants, another family member is sitting there saying I don’t want any parts of this and don’t get me involved. I have a family member who is involved with a heroin addict and has two cases of protective services against already and leaves the children for hours by themselves and mother has turned a blind eye to what is happening within her home: along with this being normally by no rational person observing or witnessing this. 

The things this has been going on for a long time. Not realizing that this directly related to my childhood and how I was raised. Same story different players or people depending on how you look at it. They say you marry your parents in your relationships. Well, that can’t truer. My assault on myself and my son calling the police 10 years ago left me fleeing for my safety and theirs. I called my Ex because I had no one to turn to, at this point. 

My ex took us in and within three days started in what more psychologic head games. He told me I could not use his car, phone and stopped that child support that he was paying to, now figure out how the kids were going to finish out the school year because were 4 miles walking in one direction to, how is the school could contact me, no money to even wash clothes to his strange eating of eating the same meal 7 days a week to sleeping when he slept, and not being able to watch TV or soon how he managed to revoke child support with courts contacting me. To then get assistance using our information and taking control of that – to me finally saying that these children cannot eat the same food over, over again. 

I found myself in constant shock of what my family had done and disbelief and what I now encountering. I went from complete chaos to this, which I have no words for it even to this day. All the while my family or the Ex thought this is normal. As I tried to understand what the hell was happening and why was I finding myself in these situations, events and figuring a way out of it. With nowhere to turn yet talk to someone about what was happening to me and how to save my children and myself from these people. 

By all accounts, this is a lot more involved but I trying to structure it in a way that shows patterns and subconscious beliefs, behaviors, and actions at play. Even with knowing my story about my life and not wanting to replay, relive them, they are still at work in my life to this day.  And since most of this is written from memory, I do have books that I journal in to notate whether they are spiritual or my personal life this is a broader overview of events.  

Save my children and me – is a theme right out of my childhood. Not ever feeling safe to be who I met to be. What is that? Is something that I am redirecting every day. 

My day in court for contempt was less than 2 hrs. about the same time it took to cross two counties by bus, train, and walk to the courthouse. Unknowingly, I was not there for contempt, but a Judge single handily decided that custody of my son was his outcome. Even will laws in place to stop these types of actions and 40 lbs. of documents showing that I was the primary caregiver and signed PFA protection of abuse order signed in another county by another judge to the fact that this man had openly admitted to actions that cause this event. 

I have no words for the sheer shock when the Judge turn and took my custody away that day. The bailiff or officer of court removed me from the courtroom since I was the only one left there, I just couldn’t fathom what had just happened. I had no attorney – why would I this was a contempt hearing, not a custody hearing. 

I somehow made it to the street, where I collapsed in disbelief, what the hell just happened. After a few minutes, I pulled myself together to walk to the train station. I somehow managed to get myself without injury to train and on it. It is a complete blur. When the conductor came for my ticket one look at me said are you alright and I told him that told I just had custody of my son taken and he said where do need to get off. I told him and this conductor left me to be but made sure that I got off the train when I need to. 

When I say that tears flowed, they did not stop that night or the next day to point that my other sons had an appointment with another therapist because it was suggested that before the court that we both get help with the children regarding what happened. Seemly stupid people have no idea even with medical degrees in counseling. I have been ordered to turn my son over the upcoming weekend. I would have fled if I had somewhere to go, but I didn’t. 

Because I have already had years navigating the courts prior to this and this is now a custody issue, somehow, I got in my head that I will fight this and file an appeal. What I did know at the time was this was considered a Poor man Appeal by the next presiding judge but would allow me to then get counsel. 

Long story short, I did get an attorney. Eighteen months fighting several laws that were broken by contempt hearing and not custody hearing, to appeal and get a different judge who by all accounts brought my other son's case into this one without any need or use, to use a reference point with that Ex multiple charges against for support payments and criminal to say that my son care was better in the hands of man – signed a paper that he, in fact, assaulted me. 

He denied verbal threaten to take my son, assault my other son- which again was a signed document with another court system. To still lose custody after the 18 months, to insult my attorney because she lived in a different county, and for the judge to use intimidation tactics stating this my courtroom. I am not exactly sure how the following came about but my attorney spoke with a colleague and now I had two attorneys. What I have not said is that my attorney actually taught laws classes to upcoming lawyers regarding domestic violence cases. 

We file an Appeal with the Superior Courts of Philadelphia, well which was a complete waste of time. With less than 30 mins my 800-page appeal was told to return to the lower courts to challenge what had already been put in motion. I did not get my son back and it has been an influx of emotion ever since. 

So not draw this out over what seems like a lifetime ago, which is still very present in my life now. It has been 9 years of trying to understand what happened spirituality, and what happened to the life that I once had. I don’t suggest that you read up on other cases because I have done that. It is a nightmare of stories, from orphan trains to whole histories of children being separated from families all over this entire planet and on every continent. Culturally there is no demographic and encountered other women over the ten years whether they give up their child for adoption or by court order because not have basic resources and support. 

It seems to be a money game, and a much sinister act of crimes against women, humanity, and the parent-child relationship. I see as this there are two base emotions love and fear and everything stems from it. Love is the highest and fear is a base primal instinct. If you create enough fear people will conform to about anything with a question. 

Fear of Survival is instinctual because we are naturally inclined to fight and flight to survive – we did not come to survive; we came here to thrive. In basic terms because I remember knowing things a child and because of trauma turned inward to protect myself from my parents and told not to speak about it, like something taboo and constantly told that your wrong, don’t know what you’re saying, doing, or you cannot know anything with teaching it to degree your natural intuition which all species have on the planet. Fact check this for yourself. 

What I experience as a child is in direct correlation to my experienced in every area of my life. Every relationship, money issues or not, behaviors, patterns, beliefs, and actions. I had a theory that it was fear that caused other people to forget their psychic abilities. Then I thought it was because as a child and completely open that we shut down because it is too overwhelming, and we turn away through many programs to just fit into the family unit, school, society, and friends. And having aware parents to direct and guide us properly creates the separation. 

To which we have religions, people in power, medical, psychology, and science all telling us that we are all wrong and more or less complete idiots and came from monkeys to wo/man, which of course is not what other fields of study point too. I don’t know enough information to argue for or against. But when I experience things that I was never taught then have to make sense by asking questions about reality and that things exist that otherwise are considered woo-hoo this course can explain a lot of things and why we know or sense things, but we talk ourselves out it because we taught to not listen to our inner voice – are heart. 

One thing that I tell is that crazy or not when I get guided information, it sounds like I am talking before hearing it or writing it down I know that it is not me, it also feels different. This is only achieved by meditation and quieting the mind to receive the information, images, sounds, smells, and light language or healing energy that the body is very capable of doing or giving. 

Mind chatter – looping of thoughts, circular thinking normally comes from one side of the brain, I could be corrected – in that I am basing this on my experience not everyone else. The chatter is normally left side if watch it in meditation. I get information in both ears, but mostly the right ear. I also know that we talk whether it is in my own thoughts or trying to process something it is in the throat area, not my head. When I actually speak it is not from the mind but the use of the throat. If the mind is a supercomputer then its job is to store, process, and work the entire body-mind, body, soul. The heart and brain are the two organs that the body cannot work without in the human body suit unless your zombie doctors doing DNA or cells – which are out there is. The heart which is spelled differently is earth and we're told for the most part we are made of earth carbon-based, atoms, molecules, etc. 

So, if I feel pain is through the head or heart! If I feel love is in the head or heart because if I eat something I never had and eaten with the throat is it the mind, heart, or throat choosing whether I like it or not. I see people using Darwin’s theory – which I am not in the belief. Because as humorous as it is God spelled backward is Dog, So I evolved from a dog. 

Where did snakes, elephants, plants, planets, and fish come from! I think that we're have been seeded from other planets for millions of years and that information has been denied to us for “Fear” that if we really were told this information we would question everything and all possibilities. Why do people have all these different types of experiences but were the crazy ones! When people speak out like Snowden’s, Military – all branches – black ops or special forces or normal person – it is labeled a mental condition. One that you should be hung for, medicated, or destroyed for even thinking and expressing it. 

I am tired of living in fear of what could happen or not happen- from food shortages, car chips, phone clips, and anything else the social media wants to throw at us. Wars, nuclear threats, illness, bio-warfare. Elites, corporations, Gmo’s, geoengineering, and natural disasters or man-made. I have lived from fear conscious and subconscious my whole life and I will die someday, and it has almost happened several times over and when they took my son from me and the other ex-tried to do the same things too. As a parent, I know that I am a guardian to them and that they are children of and that God I was given them to protect and guide them so they can become the people they are met too. God is the authority of all judgments and actions. It is us humans that screw up the world and not all of us, because most of the actions are done with knowledge or not with the consent of all. 

I have had a discussion once where a man and he was going on, on about women being ill rational, emotional to sensitive and whatever else they used to explain a very dumb point, and I don’t remember what their point was – but I simply said you as a man would have blown up the world several times over because you do not think about everything else. This is not to negate all men – or women believe people are not important or other species on the planet. This is not to state that you have an opinion and worthily as it is, is narrow in perspective. And this can be in perspective by the bees- no bees no food. No rain or water – no human, no food, no trees… I think I made my point. 

I think I will end my story here for now.

I also want to note that Legal Aid in the state of Pennsylvania is for all purposes connected, meaning that if you reside in one county and ex-partners lives in another county you cannot use their services, if they have already inquired and inquires counts as services because I live in a Southeastern division this includes five countries. So, the options are nil other than to go to the city of Philadelphia outside of the Southeastern division to petition for maybe a judge to hear your case, which I heard even worst in other counties. 

If you got this far, you may be asking why didn’t she call the police, when her ex attacked her. Well for one when I was my family home and confronted my brother who was either high as a kite and punk me with thug crap, my son called the police, and they did nothing. To the point that when he called, he tried to grab them off me and the police came because the call got cut off.  I slept with a knife under my pillow that night and my Mother disconnected the phone in the house, so my ex could not call back after I had phoned, for him to see whether he could come and get us. 

12-20-21 Growing up with Alcoholic and Co-dependent

What is expressed here is my opinion, views, and expression of events. I am not a doctor or psychiatrist and don’t have a degree that makes me an authority. My views are an attempt to heal myself and my experiences. Since I have repeatedly received from my guides to express my story and thought about it for a very long time not wanting to pass blame, judgment, or negate what has happened. 

This is a very hard thing to do considering there is a spiritual component to all of it. 

As a child, too young to understand what I was experiencing I would observe my father for a better lack of words what seem to be verbally attacking my mother, and not understanding why my mother would continue to endure this behavior, did not make sense to me. Was he was attacking my mother, and her not abating (stopping) him, or was he expressing himself and it appeared as something other than it was! 

Since I have been sensitive my entire life and what I deemed an empathic/empath, or intuitive and I have the ability to feel, on a much deeper level and feel the intent behind the words this makes for a lot of challenges and opportunities to see things differently. Living was survival at most. They say we attract what we most need to heal. I firmly believe that is true. 

My life was extremes from freedom with no real guidance or structure, to being a child heavily controlled to walking on eggshells. To constriction of don’t breathe, move or being seen. You learn very quickly how to navigate and avoid being a moving target for outbursts of verbal attacks to threats of violence. It did matter what you did or didn’t do. 

Even when you were happy or joyful that was somehow sucked out of you or found to be disturbing. Our family belonging was not family-centered they were mine and not for you to touch. I remember one time my brother and I played a tape of Halloween songs and were reprimanded for playing with the stereo. It seems the only acceptable activity was when we are watching the TV and not moving around. 

I have had done my research into the matter trying to understand what caused my father or mother to be who they were and their responses to how I was raised. If we attract what we need in the form of the law of attraction, then my parent’s thoughts, beliefs, emotions were determined by their own life situations, history, and society too. 

What psychology calls the Generational transference of trauma. Since most of us were or are raised that when you grow up, your adult at 18 and you either went to some type of school, trade, or college, to meet someone and move on to marriage, home and children and retire; then pass away with little to no variants in the middle. This belief system continues to this day with small changes, with current changes with technology, and how things are done today with the C19 virus looming like a dark cloud.

While any opinion or thoughts is open game for hunting season to destroy any freedom of speech that is left on the planet, if not cohorst by social media or seen a credit-worthily unless back by some type of degree or doctoral. While failing to connect the dots of the interconnectedness. Seems like my childhood all over again, do as I say and speak nonetheless of any other thoughts, my house my rules, motto, which seems to play right into the media and social constraints playing out now. 

My point of this is everything that I experience is a direct reflection of my parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents and back as far as I have no idea when. In the native American tribes, they say that these beliefs and behaviors stem into seven generations unless one really looks where the core belief comes from. 

The title of my article is Alcoholic and Co-dependent if drinking is seen as a rite of passage in some cultures because not all cultures believe this to be true, and we have a whole history on the banning and bootlegging of Alcohol, and how does it apply to me/you. Don’t get me wrong I have my share of late nights, bars, and situations that could have been done differently. I think this is a personal choice, but the one thing that I had control over with regards to my children is that they have a choice.

Since I found myself in relationships that were emotionally unhealthy, the possibility of an allergy to alcohol being that it a generational pattern that needed to be changed. I tend to think that it is a soul lesson to break a patterning that crossed over many generations. I have also watched it destroy people, with their lives with close relations or people that I have known.

I for one was told that My great-grandfather was an alcoholic to then leave my grandfather and his brother at an orphanage because my great-grandmother passed away. I have never told been why or even discussed beyond my own inquiry with my father in a sober state. As for my other side of the Family, there seems to have also been a drinking problem, which seemed to be a current way to face our emotions and feelings of things that happen to us or from situations that we create. As for the social aspect, that we learned to not face what we are feeling or choose not to. Which I will be writing about next or in the future. 

Most have experienced a relative or friend, that cannot hold their liquor to become something other than a completely different person. (Which is a Shadow in what is called shadow work, because it is an unknown aspect of oneself.) I can hear the questions now. How is it unknown when they know that they drinking? Well, the person is aware that they are drinking or doing drugs, but not aware of their actions to a certain point. 

Most people will say I drink to relax or feel less stress, it is a social thing, etc. But if were who you are without any masks or comfortable as yourself there is no need to drink to express yourself. The only judge in the room is you and people who project their own insecure discomfort out at you, or they are not really themselves.  This is not about the causal drink statement. This is an inquiry of whether it is a soul lesson or generational pattern requiring inquiry to be changed and be broken.  

Most people don’t realize that it is a shadow that they are hiding from themselves. Bad or good – it suppressed because in unconscious they would not act that way, if sober.  It is an unintegrated aspect of themselves or an underlying problem.  

Whether this is drugs or alcohol, they both can be appliable here. A study into alcohol, tobacco, or any habitual drugs has their roots as far back in time as humans on the planet, but these habit-forming substances were once seen as medicine and not as a pleasure activity. 

What I have observed in both myself and my childhood is that the other personality that comes out under these substances is a Suppressed part of ourselves. These fragments were denied somewhere in our childhood of expression of themselves. Whether we denied them or were seemed as denied by our caretakers. Since their no standard of a family unit, if society tells you that there is or culturally, I believe is inaccurate. What is and seemed to be the truth is historically a picture that has been like a painting on canvas. The idyllic representation of some picturesque ideal or ideology of what is standard or “normal”. One walk across any town and that is not true. 

All over the world, there have been wars and battles, indifferences between people going back before the time of Jesus to Mesopotamia and Sumerian times. Along with any other history that was/is not taught about. So why the suppression of speaking our truth about feelings and emotions. Well, if we use History as a guide for centuries either expression of thoughts or opinions were hindered by the rulers, church, or power to rule over other people. Since ancient tablets and papyrus paper show only remnants of those times, we are left to interpret them. 

Is it possible that there was the entire existence of both sexes that have been the suppression of thoughts and beliefs for fear of death or violence because historical seemed to be a reflection of our current affairs of the world! I am not a historian and claim no rights to any depth research in that area, but it does seem that the only people in the past who were allowed to speak or have a voice, were people in power, church, or some type of attainment of power. 

So here we are today, all the strides to make equally and we are still divided in some form. One has to wonder how many prophets, deities, entities we need to get the message. I am not into one world ruler or structure of hierarchy that why the Declaration of Independence was created but seemed to be forgotten by the government and legal system to apply notably in history today, too. 

So, if I have lost you yet, how does this all apply? If the human soul has been suppressed for centuries by the hands of anyone – as in government, rulers, churches, people of means, or nobility. How does that apply to my title? Well, as a person who wanted to understand what had happened to me in my childhood and heal these emotions of the experiences that I have encountered by the people involved in my life. I had to question the root cause of these patterns of behavior. 

I have inquired whether feeling and emotions are two different aspects, to whether one is a response to and the other is a cause too. As the child who was sensitive to my father’s and mother’s emotions, with regards to feeling them, is it possible, that the emotions that they were expressing as feelings or from trauma-related events from their past and history are direct resolve of some patterning beyond ancestry or linked to some recessive gene! 

The study of epigenetics studies the Genes of behavior and environment that can cause changes that affect the way your genes work. While the Mental health field is treating people from the perspective that it is in the mind and not the whole body, and not from the fact that all is related to physical, emotional, societal, and environmental, whether it is the physical earth, water, food, or nature have no direct impact on a being, a soul, spirit, and technology, have no direct effect on a person. 

This directionality of the Dynamic theory (Guides just give me) is both Scientific and psychology while attempting to explain this concept of all these factors on the genes of the DNA of my experience with my parents. Not having parents able to access their own emotions and feelings from transfers of all the factors around them in their parents, grandparents to the entire lineage of ancestry. Birth family backward or native American of seven generations forward. 

I would or could continue the patterning forward had I not been forced to address the key events that were making up my life, as in relationships, beliefs, behaviors, actions, my own thoughts, and conditioning. To then repeat them in my own life and children to future generations without coming to some level of awareness had I had not stopped to question what and why this continuing to happen in my life, along with my own choices.

Which meant that there were underline thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that I was subconsciously repeating. Even with knowing my childhood history I was still repeating habits without realizing that were unhealed aspects of myself and showing up just in different forms or people, and events. 

For lack of better words, I was dating my father and acting like my mother because this was my childhood and because of a lack of my own personal boundaries in childhood as in emotional neglect, physical and verbal abuse, constant belittlement or undermine physical threats of violence to punishment and way too many more to descriptive words, to explain a concept. So, I needed to clean house and face traumas that I walked away from to relearn and really think about what I wanted in my life, versus being a pattern of it. 

All this transpire when my psychic abilities came back online and I had to look, dig for answers in my memory and do the inner child work to clear the things that happen to me and see the truth even if it was only my view of what happened to me. This brought back memories that I had seen and known things as a child and doing this type of work you soon encounter things unimaginable, and then it soon acts as a mirror back to me and triggers emotions that were unhealed or unknown. 

I have repeatedly encountered the same scenario while working with people that I finally had to face the very raw and pain that I had experienced and similar situations with different players. Spirituality speaking you will encounter the same situation until you heal it or are no longer triggered by it. This is looking for the patterns of behaviors and is an undertaking in itself.  

I would have to say that I have had to disseminate years of information, all the while my psychic gifts kicked on higher gear, a life in pieces, an infant and then a child in school, and my life that I build dissolving around me. All the while thinking I left the past behind me and what happen to me and in it. The saying is it is not the skeleton in the closet, it is the ghost that haunts, or maybe it is the other way around, either way, they both need to be looked at. 

The universe had other plans for me. I would like to say that I had support around me, but that is far from the truth. I had people come in and out, disappear altogether, reface trauma again while witnessing it play out with family that I was involved with. To finally walk away from everyone that I had contact with, to then separate and figure out what was real and not real.

I had to look at my relationships with my parents, and extended family, to see how the underlining themes were playing out in my own lives to heal myself and understand what happens to me without losing my sanity and standing strong for my children and myself. All the while of not wanting to spend 30 years in therapy to be given drugs for Alcoholic dependency when I had one drink in 10 years or be constantly referred to medication instead of teaching me how to work with these emotions and feelings without the need for drugs.  

As I am realizing while I am writing this that I am pulling in a large amount of information from my psyche, including the guides. This may seem choppy or disjointed and I am trying my best to have it sound coherent, make some sense, I think that I am not always making sense. Even when I know that the energy around the words is what is important as the guides tell me and speak is not the same language that we use and more about the energy behind and beyond the words. 

Ok, so as I am currently aware that there is no perfect relationship that is equal in both sexes on the planet at this moment. One: 

being the female has been suppressed up until this day and the male of course has equally been suppressed emotionally (it’s not manly) as in history and society. Neither has balanced power over their emotions as seen in the Yin and Yang.

I have observed innately two powers playing out in most relationships whether globally or personally – Victim, martyr, or control and abuser. Communication and seeing that both males and females are needed, these unhealed aspects seem to be the cause of many of these problems. Power and dominance are a view of the same pattern. Responsibility and Blaming the same pattern. As a soul, we are both aspects of Yin and Yang in the same body which requires balance.

If you have two souls who are out of balance in a relationship in their emotions and feelings (jokingly: you have divorce) or disharmony, dis’ease in the relationship or in the body as illness, etc. When the entire planet is out of alignment 7.8 Billion people individually and or the relationship with each other, there are rebalancing forces at play. The guides have repeatedly said that there is a release and reason for what happening and that it serves a purpose. (me)Can they say more, (guides) yes! That could hinder the awakening process that is now happening for many to question, what is really happening and going on! 

One of the terms that the guides say is that you’re the creator and nothing happens to you and but through you.  One: were you taught that as a person/being that you are taught that everything is outside of you and the answers, as well. When the truth is you are your own keys to the questions that you would ask. As a child, you had to depend on your parents for all your needs, and as a child, teenagers most could not wait to get out from under their parent’s grips, but because your education systems do not allow the expansion of your consciousness to the fact that this is not your first ride on planet earth, much less in the body, in fact.

Any study of past lives and reincarnation, hypnosis are avenues that have confirmed others' lives whether on this planet or elsewhere. This is not your first walk in the park as We would say, (guides). There are even marking on your bodies in birthmarks that are a remembrance of a previous life and trauma that are interrelated to the working and rebalancing karma with others and learning that this is a play unknown to your being with or without acknowledgment. 

Even your bible speaks of the appearance of the beloved Jesus after his death, which is one of the many light bodies that surround you as in energetic fields, but as to why it is perpetuated that death is the ending in life is a distortion, of the truth. But what is not distortion is that your infinite being of the source of all there is, and death is a transition from one life to another for the sole purpose of a soul experience of being a human in bodysuit which is a unique instrument in itself that Science has yet to fully realize and treats it as more of a haphazard piece of machinery.  When it is intelligence. In its own right. 

You by all discourse, are more than the sum of your parts. What does that mean? There is a balance that is needed much like Yin and Yang, you would not run your cars without any gas. Yet your body requires balance in everything that you do. One: is that of the mind and focus intent. Since this knowledge is lost to the mainstream society, which has directed you to an outward reflection and not an inward, much like India's traditions and or native American, or many of ancient civilization’s that has been lost or exist as in Mayan people, Peruvian, Tibetan, aboriginal on various continents to use as a reference or starting point. 

Since people have become been heavily relied on the technology of outer vs. inner when the entire universe is sitting within yourself and the ability to tap in at a moment notice to download information should she/he chose, is with your capacity. (guides) Even as you type on this computer your own ability will always far succeed the tools that you use at any giving time.

The universe is infinite and so are you. If one can see the advancement that the populations have made in just the last 200 years to what it is really capable of. These tools are an expression of your ability to create. They are not your soul potential but a mere fraction. Used correctly and the use is infinite or complete destruction, much like other ancient civilizations, and planetariun systems. We commend you, for taking the time to write and dictate this information. 

We are far from finished but seeing that is tiring to the body we will commence again tomorrow. 

12-24-21 Going out on Limb

 

12-24-21 Going out on Limb

Going out on Limb – Seems like a book that I started to read and never quite finished. What is life a spiritual journey with its pitfalls? From having psychic and medium abilities to healing yourself and the planet. After much research and constantly looking for answers whether inside myself or through other people’s experiences there is a consistent pattern that we as people came here as a soul to be in human form to make choices based on what we know.

 Now I for one think it is one of the most bizarre things. That the universe, God, source would send us to this planet with all the pitfalls to remember that we are the embodiment of the same creator. That we are the children of this one energy that created all of humankind. That we would subject ourselves to the chaos of living the experiences we have.

One is that we would forget that we are the source, then forget our abilities based on childhood traumas, to spend entire lives recovering from childhood to the illusion that is forced on us by more infractions than one should ever encounter, to be the creators without true knowledge of it or teachings, even when all hold the keys to the truth.

That because a pre-birth or soul contract we agreed to come into these families and completely disorient ourselves and attempt to create a different life or world. This seems to be a backward concept that with all the knowledge that I have with just the pieces of information seems rather absurd. How is one to know this without self-inquiry and that only seemed to happen when an event or situation happens whether is on a personal or global scale!

I for one am lost in the pieces to even begin to describe the information or even put them together. I have been told that this happen because there was not enough awake for this to happen, which seems like a blessing and curse at the same time.

It seems like making the lights come on without flipping a switch, which apparently is completely unreasonable being that most have no idea or clue. Then there is the money aspect of it, as that the people holding this knowledge are out of the reach or most, if not completely unknown because why bother to teach it from the beginning. Another absurd fact.

I hear a lot about the future children, so now it is up to future children which if born today means that it over the next 30 years if they have not become fragmented by the parents, society, and schooling, along with all the other programming, and discourse of living a human experience. Yeah, sign me up. This, of course, is complete sarcasm for how can one have children – knowing that right now the same people that would be required to turn around this apparent illusion or disillusion will somehow manage to even bring in such awareness.

If the entire world is mourning the current states of affairs in the virus or bringing changes on a global scale that were all the same, yet at the same individual expressions, of the one energy creator.

Oh, the only reason for all of this is soul growth in the high dimension and your next life, whether on this planet or another planet, if you believe that type of thing, but then that crossover into the world as UFO that is either conspiracy or natural phenomenal. 

You either run for hills or continue to look for truths, which seems to only be coming through channels, who have agreed to bring this information through, yet a time seems to contradiction and conflicting people who trying to understand what exactly am I doing and where is this going, because If I was projecting myself into the future, this seems to be a lot longer than 30 years and more like a 1000 years just to even get through to a progression of events to lead up to integration on a mass level.

All the while people have no idea on a conscious level, which means in the waking state of the present. Theoretically, as a definition, this is a theory only and not an exception. One can only hypothesize these bits of information to even speak on this level. When they sound so far winded that even I am like screw this!

This is Impossible which is only my state of reality, the magnitude of traversing the information or put in its proper use. What I am really saying to myself is let's spend the rest of my life pulling onions apart and maybe this can be too appliable to degree and by the time I get to the middle of the onion, it will actually make sense. Sure, sign me up. For the endless questions for seemly endless inquires to do a mission here on earth with the vast majority have no idea. 

That these concepts are not for only today to navigate and somehow travel the course of history to some distant future right out a Sci-fi movie to see the end, result. All to explain that life is not linear but secular, circular, and travels in spiral and flowing in and out of itself. I am not even clear of that concept in a conscious state, yet here I am writing for some integration of what is happening.

While I sit trying to get my bills paid and home to work out of that I don’t have to deal with noisily neighbor or constant bites to face from bug bites. Really what hell did I do to these bugs? One concept is that it is about boundaries – Well that been lifelong skills which is like saying I agreed to come into this life through soul contract, encounter what exactly along my travels, experience life as a human, heal it, understand it, and start all over relearning the lessons and not be reactive – to face off with bugs that I cannot even see, with my glasses.

To do what exactly, speak or write about, while my biggest lesson has been standing up for what I believe in attempted to prove it even if to myself, that I have a clue what I am talking and to see the joy in the journey. Which of course from all points of reference were just experiences and lessons, of light or dark, and choosing a different state to work from.

While it is wildly theoretical, like some other theories that I hold with no validation of any of it. It's like sending me into the wolves and seeing who tear me apart first for even having thought and putting it on paper, much less expressing it. How to find people who can identify with these thoughts to even put them in practical use in my own life and live the dream, so to speak.

My frustration lies not in anger, but why such conditions exist if it is needed now and not to some distant future, by all accounts were told to stay present in the meltdown of the world mourning such uncertainly. To what is going to happen next, and can I handle it, and will my life ever be the same. Nope.

Welcome to the limb or Limbo of challenges that now await you because you have never been taught to use your mind with intention or focus. And now you’re the vehicle or vessel to bring that information through into a distorted illusion of what is possible and weaving the parts is putting that puzzle together without all the pieces.

Yay, welcome to my reality. When you have to use satire because sarcasm is so unrated in the statements that I am inquiring about. Not bad for someone who they said had a learning disability when trying to teach me when your parents never really taught you to learn, which less speak to you from what I don’t even know thoughts process they existed in and what to call it or that was part of the soul lesson, too.

That you have passed from some type of life to death to gain understanding, when taught at the end of life there will be a full understanding, which is quite frankly dumb is the simplest of terms to get from A to Z. Welcome to discussion with the guides.

To change the story and the narrative for your purpose on the planet at this time. In fact, I can only publish this work, or words in the hopes that their people are even ready to hear such thoughts. Instead of living an egotistical life vs. spiritual life in harmony with nature and plant life, animals as we have become lost in the dream of what could be.

End transmission. Good day. Pick up the following day:

Life is not what it seems? Or what is to come. What does this mean we're all living a thought fantasy of years of implants of thoughts and projections of beliefs and behaviors based on generations of lies or some sort of madness of people to control the world, that their entity that initiated are feeding off are light and soul essence to what exactly degree?

When there are so many parasitic people and you are taught everything is God and that may be true, yet we are to see them as part of the one God, source, creator – without holding contempt for their actions, but on the flip side of the coin, that was their part of contract and soul agreed to see beyond these people and hold the light for them when they wrote their soul contract to be the darkness to see the light, even it required death in order to find it.

So, this leaves me where exactly? Conundrum same coin difference sides, to see they or all are the same things. Which of course I understand, but this leaves me where? And to do what exactly? Be a channel to see and understand what is taking place and I now am the observer instead of good or evil, dark vs. light and how exactly am I to explain this in the terms that one can release the old to see it differently?

“How is this different than the elite, or infractions, Globalist, or political systems for the whole of the people and not enslavement of free-will, or better our mind and intent for a different system. When many think it is a physical attribution when it is a mind of matter with regards to their thoughts when clearly, we can see how thoughts are governing the whole world at larger!

Well, for one thing, you don’t have the same scope of insight that we do, yet every thought is quantified to be an expression. So, if you would mind the mind in seeing the highest aspect as creator being and see it as so or being done. It is like having two different conversations with a multi-level of thoughts that one would think is the same cause for other civilization's collapse. There is the top and those at the bottom, which of course is what we have and through history! 

Disseminate information how?? And this is how it was left the conversation that I guided to write.

01-01-22 I am Sorry

This post is something that has been weighing on me for the last two weeks, and this work that I do is both helpful and comes with great trauma. Now if I was looking at it from a divine perspective it would serve a grander purpose in the scheme of things, which I am not always made aware of. Being that I witness, had visions or knowledge of. Being I have tried to bring peace to the people affected by the many things along their path. I cannot explain away the deep holes that have been left behind by the people who you have encountered during your life here so far. 

My work has made me conscious of the layers of pain that I never thought about or even experienced. My own life is riddled with experiences that often play like a loop in my mind. Because my mind does not have closure or a place to file them. If I was Angel, I would take all the pain away and memories of the things that you have experienced that have left residue on your heart. 

What has happened or inflicted by the meaningless intent or otherwise, as scars, some buried so deep that you or I don’t even know that they exist. We were never met to live this way or face the many challenges that we have. You are born pure, innocent and for whatever reason, that was taken from you and used against you. This powerful soul, sons, and daughter of God or source was forgotten, that you have never been less than and as a small part of you gets close off each time that you have encountered something unexpected. 

That tears have flowed or the anger and rage that seems to topple by comparison. This life is not an easy choice or the journey, by any means. It is like living in a sea of damaged souls that by all counts is not seen as such in the higher dimension but surely feel like that. That on the higher planes that I constantly reminded of everything is not as it seems, like some type of butterfly effect, and if we could see it would seem very different from our limited perception. 

But as I face and am challenged to some of the most difficult things that I hear in people’s stories, that they have survived or walked through, and their own or my path of healing. I am amazed by the strength and courage, that they seamlessly continue their walk-through life. I have been brought to tears and my knees, wondering how people have continued because this life is not easy to do. So, I want to say sorry to you for all the people who hurt you, done you wrong, or mistreated you for their unhealed self. I don’t think it was on purpose, but because we lack true understanding, we continue to hurt people and ourselves because of a lack of understanding of spiritual laws. Not Biblical -true spiritual laws. 

1-10-22 Fisheyes

 

1-10-22 Fisheyes

Strange title I know but I always have a point for it. What are fish-eyes when you look more like a puffer-fish because you have cried so hard and from the depth of being that is what it looks like. I had many of these days where I am crying so hard that my face looks like something out of a horror film.

Where do these tears and pain come from, they come from the journey through life! Some of the spiritual teachings say that you are not your story, which is truth. There is only a small part of you inside this human form and for whatever reason, because we chose this life for soul expansion to come back to love and who you are, which is the son and daughters of God in form.

You are a being of light, color, and vibration that exists outside of time and space. We are born from love, yet we have agreed to come into this life to what some would call karmic patterns and ancestries of dysfunction. This of course raises the God question, why would God want me to experience all this pain and then some. I believe that God does want us to and after countless searches, I am not in that belief of – I think it is a human thing and one that perpetrated in use of God name.

For one thing, you are god in form and god wanted to experience its-self and you by agreement, decided to separate from the self. That you are love at the very core of you and everything else too. I remember coming from love and wondering why I felt like I was in the wrong family my entire life. Kind of like a cosmic joke.

I am what call an Irish twin that I have a sibling that was born less than 12 months apart. So, imagine if you would, that I was born, and my mother did not want another child that soon. As an infant, I come from the other side still fully intact with the memories of God, source, and the universe, and my Mother does not want another child right now. I am highly in tune with my mother, and she does want to be carrying this child.

I am an infant and I sense this, which I unknowing think it is myself and not my sibling. But I don’t know this – so of course, I and my sibling grow up not being wanted or the fact that now she has to take care of me and carrying an unborn child who is highly in tune with her also because she decided to be our parent in this incarnation.

Both I and my sibling grew up never feeling be wanted or appreciated or loved because this is not what my mother wanted for herself. This creates a disconnection in what is called attachment issues in psychology. Were there should have been a bond made with child and mother, it is not, but damaged and quite frankly is a distortion, opening the door to many different causes down that road.

So, we are raised feeling rejected, not wanted, not loved in the sense the connection that should have been made is now out of obligation and not love, joy or happiness. My Mother not having boundaries and communication skills left us looking for approval, our value, worth, and looking for validation, due to the fact we came from heaven, another dimension, and know only unity, love, and God. So essentially our parents are God’s to us. God creating children of God.

This is another stigmatization that is taught that God is outside of us not in us and that we are not equal to but less than and unworthily, again not true. I feel the cringles, we have all seen the Glory, glory God singing people and the Amens, like raging fiercely almost vomit praises – this is not me and more Zen quiet reflective thoughts and process. 

There were other factors at play too, in my life. I have another sibling 1-1/2yrs older, who is the firstborn and requires care too. My Mother is young and has not healed the own trauma from her life that was passed to her through her own upbringing and no life experience other than the first 21 yrs. of her life. To marry a man, my father who has not healed his life to social programs of the time and lineage of not knowing thy self, history of that time, cultural traditions, and family baggage.  

Now of course along the way, everyone told you that you were wrong, less than, not enough, not God even when the bible tells you are made in God's image. You have endured countless projecting from pre-birth to wherever you are in your journey of Life.

I for one am constantly processing where these triggers of less than who I am come from, to why and how they impact our life. I for one think it is a life as a spiritual journey and not necessarily a consuming one. We have all been raised that we go to school, college, work, find a partner or mate, build a family, and buy the house, vacation, and weather the storms of life the best possible way until you retire and pass from this life to the next. This is also dependent on culture and Countries, in that I am basing my ideas on thoughts beliefs, and what is perceived as normal in the country where I live. 

This leaves a lot of open-ended questions of course to whether it is a spiritual journey and not the one that we have become a custom to, why it is that way and why it does not happen. Well, that is in large a huge question to define, one that I will attempt to simplify. Let’s use a beehive or ant colony to explain a much larger concept. Most hives or colonies work on the primus that they work as a unit, unity consciousness. For clarification I not referring to the queen in the colony or hive as being neither female nor male. It is simply the avenue to explain a concept.

What if there was a great civilization that exists now or in the past that work in unison, unity, and not tyranny ruled by money, greed, and control or power. This is objective, of course, being that our history really does not reflect this philosophy but in small fragments in books or thoughts.

This is not also to dismiss the fact that there is a world elite that is pushing for this type of agenda and not based on equal power but more on inequality.  That formidable rises of more fear than question than true answers. How would one justify the class systems of a per ‘say a Walmart worker against a doctor or judge or even a corporation? And who should oversee such individuals to govern, because even though with have certain things in place – as in the Declaration of independence and laws, nonetheless seem completely altered by the few and not the whole.

Personal freedom is slowly being diminished for world powers and control over the individual, or whole of humanity. Leading to prayers and outcries to God and many legions of beings, not the ones that our government is in bed with for technology that could fix and save our planet. So, this leads where exactly, from fisheyes to changing the world as we know it. Believe me, I question these very thoughts in my own life.

 I for one think that I am crazy just writing about them and some far-out concepts. What I have learned is this: the heart is the power source and the mind is the projector. So, if we are creators of past, present, and future – everything is a manifestation of beliefs that we keep coming here to clear, heal and do differently. Yet we are not learning the lessons presented to us – in that God is love – Love is all. 

Just like the Irish sibling idea that I presented, everything is free will and self-mastery, and control over oneself. Had my mother had mastery over what she wanted as in a child, sex or different beliefs and thoughts, my sibling and I would not have been subjected to rejection over love because my mother was not staying true to herself and having better boundaries and living from a primal need to copulate.

This is not that she didn’t create in the world with the two of us, but her rejection of us created a ripple of doing something else that she may have wanted for herself and love. Now I trying to heal my life and not bring that stuff forward to future generations forward.

This is of course a huge undertaking, and many have said let it go and move on. Which of course is half-cocked by people who have limited perception of this deemed as a Ripple effect. That for every cause is an effect and stem from not being taught the truth that we Children of God, source, the universe and omnipresent, that if we could master the mind of thought, that we live in a much different world.

That we have an internal GPS system called intuition, the ability to heal ourselves and others, so many other things, it sounds like something out Sci-Fi movie.  When it is express in very religion and we lack teachers because like superheroes it requires responsibility.