Growing up and having no one to rely on creates an over-independence in myself. Like I have no one to help me, there is no one I can trust, no one loves me to even care. Asking for help is somehow wrong. (in the family stays in the family)
My encounter with a man who by all counts was a children sex predator at the age of five, told me before I walked away after a neighbor walked out the door of his home, who save my life that day in other ways, that If I said anything, that he would kill me and mother and family. And then to walk every day after that same walk to school fearing the worst or to come and see if my family was alive.
To a father that if I didn’t do as I was told, I would be punished or even told to pack my bags and leave the house at a very young age, to be punished for the food that I refused to eat, to then go to school after the encounter with the predator, and be punished at school for not doing my school work after taking that same path to school wondering if I was safe or this would be the day that my family would be killed.
To then be told that I was a defiant child who didn’t listen, or was difficult, to my teacher at that time would make me sit with my desk at the board or next to her desk because I was the problem child. All the while, I just wanted to feel safe and protected. To then be told that I had learning disabilities, which I was told because I was taught at home, but because no one bother to question if something had actually happened to me. This has stayed with me my entire life, as to why. Or why people who were friends would jump me on the way home from school or when I was hanging with them. To watch other friends, stand by while I would be assaulted for no reason, other than who I was without cause.
These assaults both in school, with friends, and even with my family have created some of the biggest fears for my safety and trust, which does not come easy. Even as an adult no one questions what happens to that person that they are that way. Even when you tell people they say you are too sensitive, or over imagination things. Or you are outright crazy! My sensitivity and my intuition which I had for a very long time, have saved my life more times over than I could say.
The dysfunctions also come with boundaries, with my family boundaries and problems were never addressed or even spoken about. This creates conflict on what is right and what is wrong and when things happen whether in the family or outside at school or with friends, it was as if it didn’t exist. There was no talking it over, addressing it, or comforting what I was feeling. So, when all these factors, boundaries, assaults, abuse, neglect emotionally, physically, and spiritual (spirit of yourself) and people actually giving a Frick that you actually exist or count, or that you are capable of being loved and respected, cared for. These leave huge gaps in the psyche.
These are undercurrents that the subconscious is saying without you realizing. These are shadows aspects of yourself because they are not known. They may come up as I am afraid, I am sad, I am depressed, and or I have anxiety, I am overwhelmed, or fear of just speaking your truth because along the way it was not ok to feel, what you were experiencing or have emotions, opinions, much less thought for fear of being punishing, neglects, rejected, mistreated or that you just did not matter in your family, your school or even society because you could not live up to other people's expectations of what, exactly.
Whether you want to believe it or not, some people can see what is hidden, even from yourself. Most of the time it is not addressed because you’re a mirror to them. And it has become the norm to wear the many masks that we do. Everything is great, fine and I am ok. Or that people are so caught in the drama of their own stuff that they never look at their own shit, and when people offer help or wonder why people don’t stay around them, not because they don’t care, it is because you’re not even listening to yourself.
This is not shaming or guilt but what we have been taught, it is not ok to express even our happiness or joy because others and even family it was ok to be happy, because I am not happy why should they be happy! These generally come from what I call a dark soul, narcissist, and psyche, poor boundaries, of self and others. The flip side of this is that they are people who too did not learn and were taught the same lessons. These dark souls, narcissists, etc are just people too that had different or even worst experiences.
I don’t know any child that says I am going to grow up and do killing, criminal, murder, etc. Unless their life is riddled with childhood trauma unless is spiritual intrusions and that is a whole other topic. We are not taught to reflect on our own life or process information, more or less told to simulate information, do as your told or said, don’t question. Our education is steeped in for over 50 years, maybe more. How many book reports have you written about the story verse what is the storytelling you? What is your own story saying about you, because by all accounts the outside world is telling you to live in fear, instead of how do I/we fix these things!
If you look at any inventor- they see a need. My need became why do I keep getting into these relationships and what was happening to me spiritually, and experiencing the things that I am. Not that it happened my whole life and had no one to validate my feeling and emotions because again from the beginning it did not exist. Parents as well intended, forget that a child/children are humans that grow up to be adults. I remember coming from God, source or just talking to other beings when I was little and still due to this day. You call God, spirits, angels, masters, and other crazy shit.
All these things have affected every area of my life, from the men I dated to the jobs that I worked, to sexual assaults, to wanting to help people, to just live in peace and not constantly have to figure out how to fix this problem, as a soul in a human body, I have agreed to these in these experiences to relate to other people or just begin to say that there is a different way and it begins with you.
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