8-29-16 Spiritual Crisis of Letting Go

8-29-16 Spiritual Crisis of Letting Go - revised (6-3-2020) 

Three days ago I stated to my guides that they were fired because I encountered another blow by our family court system. Who sells children to the person who makes the most money. Three and half years ago I had my son taken by the courts and given to a man who physical threaten my other son and verbally and physical attacked me, which my children watched and listen too. He verbally attacked my son daily. Telling him that he was worthless, on drugs and because he was not his blood, he was useless. I have had it. What was the point of all this! I had left this man 8 years prior to having to live in my family home after I lost my job to move in and to only encounter more toxic dysfunctional people who once were normal or I thought, now there is drugs and alcohol fuck up people. To be rob by a family member, high on crack to encounter neglected children while their parents induced themselves in drug and alcohol to sit by while the grandmothers of these children enable these so called adults to live this way in their homes. 

What is absolutely, more ridiculous is that grandmothers that our in denial, is that people who live in neighbor know what is going on, they see. They see the cars or crap that goes on. You have been an idiot to not know. Also, it was not enough the sheriff department was in the home fully geared searching the house for my brother on bench warrant multiple times and the children would be line-up on sofa while they search the house. In the meantime, my brother was hiding in the woods behind our family home. Or that Children services had been involved to point that had just got one child back a few years earlier and children services had threatened them to take the children away again, because the conditions in their own apartment, that looked like animals lived there instead children and adults.

Now I am forced to deal with this man, who using the courts to harass me because he cannot get his own shit together and the courts pretty much kidnapped my son from me because I left the county and filed for a Protection for Abuse order, outside the county, where I previously lived.  Because their own county shelter was closed and other shelters wanted to separate my oldest son from me because of his age. I did not realize that if over certain age you are considered adult, even when you’re not old enough to even drive yet. Even when there is a federal law stating mothers and children are protected in shelter from removal of a child because of homelessness. 

I have thought over and over again what happen to my life, I was not raised this way. Not that it was roses and magical fairy tale in the least. But this was beyond a nightmare or anything that I could have even thought about. What had, happen to my life! Several years earlier I had a home with the white picket fence, the family pet and anything that I could have even hope for. Even, if I did not realize at the time. I had what some people only dream of having someday. It now 12 years later, I have lived in two shelters, moved just as many times and no closer to living my dream life. I came to spiritually out purely being take to my knees more times than I can count at this point. I thought I had it all. How wrong I was! Even with all that I had accomplished, buying a house, my children, my toxic controlling relationship that came full force in less than 12 hours of my second son birth. I watched it disappear and I grasped for pieces of what I had. I went from a somewhat comfortable life to losing it all. I now have an estranged relationship with my son, because he cannot understand why this happen and I cannot even begin to explain it to him. 

I have to emotionally, physically, spiritually support my son now, from 40 plus miles away in another county, via cell phone or weekend visits that I travel to pick him up. All to escape from this man and my family that felt like my soul was being suck out by them. It been five years since I spoke to my family and three and half since I the left this man who attacked me and who has become one of the darkest souls that I have ever met. People who know me have no idea what the magnitude of crap that I witness, seen or observed, emotionally or spiritually. I have never questioned whether god was real or not. I was not raised with any religious background other to observe the holidays and no meat on Fridays’. My parents went to church, but had grown away from it after, they witness the opposite from people who preached it.

 Now here I am questioning my own spiritually and god after seeing things manifest before me for 40 plus years. How do I write about it, or say anything regarding challenging your beliefs or help people see that all is not what it seems! Who am I to tell you that love is the source of everything and that your guides and decease family members watching over you and that you created your life prior to being born, and every word, choice, and actions that is uttered in your mind or your mouth has a cause and effect in the bigger scheme of things. Who I am to dig deep in my soul and remember that I agreed to this life before my birth. These are the questions that I struggle with right now. I want to turn back because I don’t know how much more I can handle. People who know me have only parts of my story have said, how do you do it? I have said, I just keep moving each day and am thankful for as much as possible. Even when there is no end in front of me, that I can see. 

Who am I to tell you that life is dream and your life is a contract that you wrote. Who I am to even continue on this path when I can’t even fix my own life! Who I am to look at another sovereign being and see the connection to everyone and everything, even when I don’t like who or what is presented before me. Or it’s a cosmic joke that we played on ourselves to know “thy self-first”, before any other. Or that I met people or beings that have a heart of gold and love that they ask nothing of you and the darkest soul-less people who suck the light force from your being, leaving you walking around cold and dead, because they want the very essence that makes you, you and every other being on this planet. 

That when you create from hate, angry or disgust, control, intimidation and many others, that you have given your power away to become like them. Or there mean bitchy or angry person that you just encountered is struggling with low self-esteem or in fear of something that they encountered in their past and acting on, it again. All because someone made them feel small in the face of their own powerlessness. Because we live in a world that does not want you to know that your powerful creators like god and that you are manipulated by the church, corporations, elite and beings on the planet. And the planet was once a paradise and or a heaven on earth and people have destroyed her for resources and that everything belongs to everyone and all species on the planet. And if don’t believe me look at yourself because you know the truth. (Guides step In) Is it so far out there that you can’t conceive of it? You all feel controlled in some way or another. Are you free to be or act, what say of thy? Even this vessel wonders why she chose to be the light in the darkest and struggles about her own choices. We leave for now because our vessel is annoyed that we stepped in when she fired us the other day and wishes to understand her own involvement all of this.  Good day, in light love we salute you, to remember who you are. We are you/you are us.  ©

My Battle Scars and Spirituality 8-27-16

My Battle Scars and Spirituality 8-27-16

The Voice Within came about when I had to take a look at my life. It was like opening Pandora box. What I found has deeply affected my life and continues to this day. See I can remember saying to myself when I very small that it was not supposed to be this way. I often wonder why my parents were angry and fighting about things that I had no true understanding about. It seemed that there were always problems and that my father was always in a rage. I remember thinking that if I was my mother I would not put up with it and leave my father.

Understandably, I understand my mother choices for she had three small children and two more, later on. Mostly she made the choice out of fear. Fear has a way making you think that you have no choices when you do. Living with my father was like walking on eggs shells, you never knew what was coming at you. He was fine one minute and angrier the next. Her fear kept her from protecting us and protecting herself. What she didn’t say was felt until I realized that I had to live up to expectations that no child should have to live up. You try and be the perfect daughter or caretaker to keep the harmony and to feel safe in a home that completely out of balance. Now I don’t if was all this way because I had my own trauma at age 5 for being flashed on the way to school which took me 30 plus years to re-dress and understand that it was not my fault. And that person involved in this situation, may have encounter similar situation. I don’t agree with what happen but have found forgiveness to bring myself peace.

          I did a lot thing to keep myself safe. I kept quiet and did things to keep myself safe in the face of a lot, of having  no voice within my own home, or feeling safe to be heard in my home that you were seen, not heard and sometimes not even seen as a person. My mother lack of voice to speak up has created multiple problems in own relationships, because she never felt heard or listen, help create a passive quality in me to not be heard or even have a voice when I need to really needed to see what was happen to me and in my own life. I was unconscious to the fact that I was recreating my childhood in my adult life. I wanted one thing or another, from the relationship that I was not getting it but a lot crap instead. 

I could not see the flags because I was raised to denied that they existed. It was until 2004 that I decide to look at why I getting myself into these toxic relationships. And it started with one book on Co-depend relationship and then children of alcoholic, all the while I would have these dreams of events or see things that I could not even explain to myself. I would have these dreams like I was in them and see the smallest detail and watch it play out like a movie or a vision in plain daylight. I then realized that I had a connection to them. I knew the people in them or they would be stand-ins for people I did not know. I either had a direct connection to or knew them because I lived near them. The hardest part is how to do you tell someone that you witness them in an accident or that you were in their house during dream time and can draw or even give an account of details that I could not possibly know.

 I now know these were the trigger for me to remember. I started with books like Sylvia Brown and just kept moving onto the next one. At which point I realized that this is what I had been experiencing my whole life and just figured everyone had the same visions and experiences that I did. And did not talk about it because it made people  uncomfortable because that is what I was taught. Along this journey in the known or unknown my life was falling apart in a way that I could not even think of. And people perceived it a witchcraft or devil work, and religion has a huge say in it. Or how dare I ask about the spirit standing on the side of the road or at the side of my bed at age 3-4. Or the car that is sinking in the Neshaminy creek that no one else saw. 

Even now 40 plus later people still have this sense of woo-woo around people who have these natural gifts and by all means, it can be a curse and a blessing. It bad enough that we treat each other with absolute disgrace because we can’t see ourselves alike or be kind to a person who may be different than us. It’s easier to objectify another for differences than find things in common.  It been twelve years since I first open that book and it has not stopped or gone away and I continue to learn things every day. I do know that everyone is gifted in some way or another, but it takes work and honest look into your past for crumbles that your soul left for you. It is not for the faint of heart, because if you want to know the truth, you need to be open to the possibility of life not being what you think it is or that you help to create your journey. And sometimes things that happen to you, that make no sense, may help you to connect the dots later on down the road. Just like I left crumb or memories for me to remember 30 years later.

I would go into more detail about what I experienced more, but at the moment I trying to detach from someone who was part of these 12 years of experiences and either hell bend on destroying me or keep pushing me to speak up for myself for the first time. I have since walked away from most of my friends and family because I didn’t want to blame anymore, or be their scapegoat or told that I killed someone because they can deal with their own life, that they created. Or deal with grief from death that someone chose to take drugs or alcohol, or commit suicide instead of taking responsibility for their selves. We're taught to blame things on people, events and our story about our life experiences, but we are the creator of life and our story. It’s up to decide how it ends. ©