So the guides want me write some type of procedure to healing I guess and I am like why? There was no road map for then to right now. So how can I tell anyone to follow anything, all the while asking direction on how to accomplish this task. When of course they know what has been and where I am right now. If you were to ask me this morning it would have look pretty crazy from anyone viewing it. Meaning that I think I was schooled on something during sleep that I misjudge or misunderstand something. What that is is not clear a moment. I felt like I was sent to principal's office without knowing why or what I have done.
To have a conversation in my sleep about steps, procedure or a manual of some sort and I am like, really! Why don't you just tell me what you want said and I type it up. Since "you" referring to the guides can see much more then I can, when I feel like a fish out of water just trying to piece my life back together with regards to what the actual lessons were and impact that they had on me.
Now if I was a master teacher, the teacher teaches when the student asks the question that they seek answers to. So, if I use this as springboard for my life I would say that I was a Mom with a six year old and new baby and before I left the hospital or arrived home I knew that my relationship was in trouble. I had seen my now ex tell my son that he was not to come next to me on the hospital bed and or near his new brother. For my ex to turn and stomper off in the corner like a five year old taking a temper tantrum. I was like what is that about. I had now met Jekyll and Hyde.
The man that I thought I knew or perceived, felt he had the right to tell me when, where and how to take care of my new son and my other son was a byproduct of who knows what. I was not even in my house for full day before he pretty much was telling me how it was going to be. I blew it off, as he a new Dad he will relax. That never happen. I was now being told when to pick up my son, when or how he should not be pull in the swing or left alone in the crib or when to feed him or not. The man that I lived with prior to his birth now wanted to control everything that I did with regard to my infant and how I should do it without his help with anything and I should be expected still do everything too.
When the gaslighting started. Literally he would say things to me and then not speak to me for days or say things that he stated he never said and my other son would always be told to not go near his brother, or touch him, or things like helping my son with bathroom or cutting his food, or just watching him, much less playing with him, simply did not happen. He would start arguments with me for no reason. He would say that he was going to wash car and not come back for several hours and I be at my Mom and he call and ask when I coming home because he wanted dinner. I ask him to vacuum and he said, what did I do all day and then deny it. Or why I could not do it. I had a music disk that I play and he got rid of it because I played in his stereo system. Tell me, that I locked him out of house when I door was fitted with the same keys for the back door, in case I lost my keys, before I even met him or yet live with me.
So, there is no procedure - I work two jobs, taking care of house, taking my son to school, my son's therapy and afterschool program and I was exhausted then take on 3rd job, because he asked why was I having money problems, fighting the courts for child support with other son father and lists goes on and on. This is all before I even knew that I was psychic or even empath. It was fallen apart has I went through it. He wanted to marry me and I said with a counselor that could not happen and I didn't want anymore children that we could change my surgery before I knew that even possible, or the fact that had no support from him or anyone else to speak to about this and or family - well lets just say that my Mom was not that type of person who could guide anyone.
I can tell about the books, or write timeline of events but not a healing technique or manual, much less a procedure that I followed. It was a mess and weird and strange all at the same time. Eight months from son's birth until I ended the relationship and ask him to leave. Thinking maybe he would maybe reflect, which I now believe that he had a objective and that was to have child and I was his way to accomplish that. They say women get involved with men to do get a child, I think men do the same thing, maybe not consciously but the changes that I experienced was like having to learn about a whole different personality and the one that I knew didn't speak much about his previous life before me and I should have seen it as a red flag, much less meet anyone he was friends with or him even speak of his family.
Which was even stranger thing that he took our son like he was a prize to his parents without me, even before I met with them too, in the beginning. Telling me he loved two weeks into relationship and saying something about having a child not even dating for a few months. The signs were there and thought they just us talking. I was so wrong.
Looking back there were many flags and one that sticks out the most, is that I physically heard "give him a second chance", one day walking out the door and this before I knew that I was psychic, because I always heard that voice talking too me. I now know that they are the guides and others, but I think back and what happened after, to the road that I traveled and wonder was it all worth it. Next year 2024 and will be 20 years from birth of my son to remember things from childhood and study, research and pick up the pieces to what has been a healing process in the works. There is no manual. It is ugly, painful, extreme's and tears that could fill a bucket or two, losing everything and asking God to just take me because the pain was so heart wrenching that I didn't want to be here anymore.
You know we hear about the hero's journey and mostly it is in the eye's of a man, never much of the women side of the story because well we taught to be the good girl or girls don't act like that, or that we our the original sin or the fall of garden of Eden. Firstly, let state man doesn't exist without the women, women, who by the way are the creator of children within the body. Both are created by God, source, lord, or however you perceived it. In reality my gifts came online in 2003, but I soon realized that this is something that I did as child and pushed aside to survive my childhood, until now.
I have been clinically told that I have PTSD and I did not even go to war. War with life, yes. To be here right now to write this story and that is all it is a story, of my journey to free myself from the lies, fears, abuse, assaults, bullying and narcissistic both male and female, the codependent relationships, and addictions that my life is only success or happy, if tied to another person, or job, career or by the things that I have and own. That is the program.
Well none of that is truth or true, but yet that is what we are born into. That our worth as a person is depended by what others think of us or what we do. I started thinking I am a demon slayers because, as I have navigate people and the world carrying my invisible sword cut down belief, or people who in my life, who wanted strip me of my right to be here, on the planet or telling that I am less then God light of love, for I was created to be here now.
So, when I created this blog back 2011 I realized it was more then just me healing myself. It was about healing others and sharing my experience with others, so they didn't think they were crazy when things start happening to them. I don't know if I have succeeded with that but I continue to write and bring through what the guides say and intuitive information that comes through, too.
I was never looking for fame or acknowledgement. Maybe to make money to live better, but that has not been fruitful and I just keep trying to clear shit as it comes up and face each day, as it comes, with no guarantee of anything. I just a human living this life with the hopes of get back into a home and partner who is understanding to all of this and that I can some day be at peace and whole again, and broken by the fricken shit I went through. Even when I know that world is in few years of who knows what. And I think if guides really want me to speak, they should just do it, because I am tired of fighting with people, life and for understanding that I choose this life on a soul level for growth of the my soul. Life never ends and Love is all there is and love all that matters.
And I will have think about what I schooled about in sleep -it is that everyone is love, regardless of what looks like. That all things are God and there is not single things on this planet, to include the planet that is not God consciousness. It does need a name or label it just IS.
I Just JFK ??
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