There is this notion that to be spiritual that you should not feel that anger or be angry. That it is all light and love and that thought is true and wrong at the same time. Everything is love and when you get to that point, you realized that all the things and times that things happened to you or the countless times that I sit with people and realized that had we been taught from the beginning by our parents or society that love should be the driving force beyond all that we do. You get really really angry at the things that happened to you. That love was not the first response of action by the people around. I remember coming from love as a child and slowly that knowing was pushed aside by the actions of the people in life, and even to this day. What is left of my family, love is not the first thought that enters their mind.
Most want love in life, but we have no idea what that means to truly love from the depth of our being. We are just broken pieces trying to understand why it is so hard and difficult to remember that we came from love or that we are the love that we seek. I have a hard dealing with anger when it comes up because of the things that have happened and walking around and realizing that we have all been forced to become something that we are not. I don't know whether to have sympathy or be empathic about the damage that has happened to everyone or acknowledge that regardless of conditioning until every individual starts taking a look at their own lives and questioning " Am I love that I want to see in the world"? Life is going to continue with all upheaval.
All the studying that I have done does not make it easier. To the point that there days I don't want anything to do it, any longer. The weight of bearing my traumas and what I experienced by other people telling me their own stories and some made choices believing that what they were experiencing was love and putting themselves and children in harm's way for what they thought was love. I once had a therapist tell me why do think they should be understanding, and rebutted back that I was not saying I want them to be understanding to me, What happened to just being kind or kindness?
How we become so nasty to each other that we don't step far enough back to even consider what we doing to one another. When we are ready to jump on them or rip them to shreds, should we disagree with them? I have a hard doing this work because I just don't want to open that door to let anyone disrespect me again. Not that I have dealt with it my whole life. Watching it happen to my Mother and then I was an open target for years, from father abuse and remarks to even taking on myself to protect siblings, all while thinking I am big enough to take on this adult male, who should have known better. And knowing if I speak about all the times that I was attacked with words, and physical, threats of and the assaults, I will not be hold back that rage and that energy of trying to protect myself from people and toxicity that project out in the world or others.
What I learned is love everything and that love just is. It is not controlling, manipulating, abusive in any form, threats of punishment, neglect, or if don't do this for me or love me that I just hold it over you until do as I say. Or buy me that or a Vow that is taken before God and then demand that they do as your told, or provide sex or intimacy because that is what you told it is and told by people who themselves have no idea what love is or intimacy is could be. That these deep-rooted abuses and conditioning from the beginning have closed off most people's intuition and natural knowing of who they are without truly looking within and meditating on bigger questions and questioning am I part of the problem. Ghani said to be the change. Most people believe that change is out there in the external world when it is within you.
If I could write one thing it would be "It is not your fault what people did to you from their brokenness, but we can take responsibility for our thoughts, actions, and beliefs. Understand that we have been raised by generations of fear-mongering to start by questioning if is this fear or love. And is there an agenda to keep people in fear and create havoc in the world to enslave the human race?
This may be redundant - but sometimes I need to write out my thoughts to see what I am processing and if is it worth writing about.
No comments:
Post a Comment