When you just don't know what to write anymore. I spend 20+ plus years trying to heal and understand why I had the life that I had. Why my father verbally assaulted me every day and used threats of abuse or punishment as a way to control my behavior and my life. To ask why do I continue to fall into relationships that mirrored the tumultuous relationships that I had and why do I still have this hole in my heart, that I can't seem to not get my life together or am I repeating the patterns of never living up to my father's expected, of who I should have been, when he has been deceased for 30 years and I thought after he passed that it was over and I would never again be hurt by a man who clearly never healed himself.
I have researched to no end looking for answers and it is exhausting, to never find those answers. While I see other people speak of how their life changed overnight and mine seems like a walk of destruction and the effects that it has had on my children. With all the information that I have gathered. It seems like I am constantly in a spiral of chaos around me. When the guides tell me it is over and I am like do you see where I am, or when my Mom pops in and tells me that your Father and I are sorry and I am like how dare you speak for him, knowing that you always covered for him and did nothing to help the situation, that you knew about and allowed to happen!
And I look around my current situation and I am supposed to be grateful and in gratitude for what is. When I lack the answers to why these things happened to me and why they still to be seemed missing from my life. When I just want to run far away from spirituality that I can't even bring clarity to my own life and I am expected to guide others, when the only answer that crosses my path is you signed up for it as soul growth or a soul contract or it is an illusion, and tears just want to flow like broken petals on a flower.
How am I supposed to speak like it is a charmed life and I have it all figured out? And with these gifts that are so natural to me, that with all the books that I read, it created more confusion, than a guide. That I have missing memories when I think about things or look at old pictures and wonder why I don't remember these moments. How I see the pain in my eyes, as I look at these pictures and wonder what was happening to me that I can't remember. How I am supposed to believe that all of this trauma is benefiting some aspect of me that is not even here on the planet?
Thank you, I will take my leave now! Because the part of me that here is like I had enough, can we just clear and clean it up? And I am told that I could be this great psychic and medium and want to climb under a rock and don't know if that is the vision I had for my life, or because it was something that told to me. The countless people that I spoke to who have been molested, raped, abused, and neglected that it is for your soul's growth, and in one aspect it is to clear the madness of what has been done to the women and children on this planet. I wonder why there are so many psychics, mediums, and channels that are men and why there is such a lack of men doing soul searching or shadow work, that just maybe there could be a bigger shift on the planet. And does anyone really understand what Love is?
The guides say "Find your voice" and I am like how about you step in and do it, so I can just move on from whatever this is? If you are so wise why am I lacking closure for so many unanswered questions? And I lack the focus to focus on any one thing at a time. I am like this needs to be done or what about this and the list of things that are not addressed, or things that I want to achieve and do, I just keep looping around and falling back into fear, when I know it is not real or the lack thereof, things like as my finances, or a way to see it different, to help, which seems like an undercurrent of so many barriers. To words of just be present and ok, so I am just in this moment and when does taking physical action come into play?
And the intention is the key to creating, why did set myself up for the things that I have, because I consciously don't remember even thinking about what them, other than protecting my children and myself, until I was in the shit of it, and perhaps five years from now I may get the answers that I seek. Really! I hear other teachers say things like you won't be told to eat something or they don't read your thoughts, but it is your vibration and that has not been my experience, to me saying, can we just get on with it, so I feel like I am doing something of value, and is this really my passion of what came here to do?
Otherwise, I going to put up my flag and say I had enough can we stop now, and bring balance and a solid foundation into my life, at this point, because putting out the fires is overrated at this point. What about this flow that alludes me, which seems like cliff diving and I don't even like heights, which I assumed is from a past life, because certainly does not make sense in this one. Is this helping anyone or am I rambling along with no point to make?
The guides tell me to network and I am like how? and Why? When I have been calling it in for years now and can I hold back the energy of trolls of negative toxic people, what seems like a life curse at this point! If I flip it and say it happened to me, so I can stand up to these people who rather create and cause physical harm and verbal attacks, trying to disempower me or you, seems cliché when the entire world is that way. And here I sit on Mother's Day wondering if my children will contact me or if is it my vibration and my conscious thought of please stay over there and leave me alone because I want to resolve my problems before I help you work on yours.
How in the last week I had the black screen of death on my computer, my oil light came on in my car and the shop said there was no oil in my car and they ask who did the oil change last time, I said you did. To a fake story that somehow it is burning oil and I am like I have not driven it anywhere that would have done or caused that. Not that they could have forgotten to put oil in it. To Microsoft cut me off from access to my account, and myriad other things of OCD neighbors, or nightly indiscretions, and apartment building just suck and people have no clue that there are only two sheets of sheetrock between you and me. My thinking about the karma of how over-inflated the market is and how could it play out in the near future to the cause and effect to someone in their next life.
To me saying to guides, so you want to find my voice and I am like should ask my neighbor how that sex was last night, why was your child jumping up down on the floor at midnight? I am like are you kidding me? How I explain to someone that your assumption that you know what is right or best because you live your life the way you do and that other people's experiences are like yours too and that you have justified your judgments based on what, assuming you know what their life experience has been without even asking them and assuming does what, makes you look like donkey aka ass!
To the potential of AI and its implications of it, when we can not even have conversations between ourselves and think about resolving societal programming and now we want a use technology to solve these problems without creating backdoors to shut it down and looks like the Atomic bomb and nuclear arms all over again and it will be in the hands of AI programming. If that is not a scary thought and data mining was just the beginning and now AI running in the background as an open source to know more about you than know about yourself.
Edit: I keep feeling like were living strange movie like Minority Report, why this movie keeps popping in my head is another story.
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